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Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)
I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.
I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.
So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.
I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??
I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.
I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.
So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.
I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??
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"Oh woe is me" is wallowing. You're not doing that here. Maybe you are in RL, but I bet you're not.
You're ALLOWED to be angry and frustrated. My God, canonized SAINTS have been documented as flipping out over stuff that's not as bad. I think it's okay for you to be as reactive as a saint *grin*.
I think wanting to face up to what's happening and wanting calm acceptance of the situation is admirable, mind you.
My personal cure-all for almost any emotional issue, and I confess I'm hardly a model of mental maturity or emotional stability, is to dive deep into a creative project.
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On a more serious note ... I'm going to make the ASSumption that what you're pissed off about are some of the physical limitations you've run into with your feet. It may be something else, but I specifically want to talk about "body limitations" ... 'cause, sister, I promise you, I understand those all too well.
There's a lot more wrong with my body than just being fat. The Hep C is one obvious such item, but there's a host of problems, ranging from asthma and allergies to joint problems to cardiac issues ... there are honestly days I'm surprised I don't just melt down into a puddle of protoplasm, because it feels like NOTHING on me is working any more, goddammit.
[deep breath]
Hello, my name is Allan, and I'm a Wallower.
I spent many years wallowing, until I happened to suddenly !snap! out of it and realized that:
(a) I will never have a flat stomach,
(b) I will never look good in a Speedo, no matter how much weight I lose,
(c) I will never be able to participate in physical activities the way other people can,
(d) I will never be able to go anywhere that has high altitude unless I'm either in a pressurized vehicle or have a big-ass oxygen tank,
(e) [insert pitiful realization here]
...you get the idea. I sat there and made up a list of ALL the things I couldn't do, and I was pissed-off as all bloody hell.
And I thought to myself, well, gee, what's the alternative?
The bitter answer was: there is none.
And I realized that there are some things I can do that most other people can't. There are connections I can make in my brain quicker than other people. There are weird-ass things I can find with a knowledgebase such as Google that nobody else I know is able to locate. The list goes on and on.
My point - and I DO have one! - is that I believe (for the most part) everybody has limitations, and also has compensating skills and/or other factors. It's just a matter of finding out what ELSE you like to do, and doing it.
I decided it was a waste of my time to mourn not being able to do [thing X], so I may as well divert myself by doing [thing Y], which I CAN do.
What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened.
For example, I will admit that knowing I wouldn't ever have a trim and muscular physique "like other people" was a bitter pill to swallow ... until I found a number of guys who happen to LIKE my belly, thank you. I don't claim to understand why, but I find enough of them attractive that I don't care.
Another example hitting closer to home: I've been physically unable to square dance for the better part of the past year, due to various illnesses ... but I found that I can have a helluva lot of fun WRITING about square dancing and calling, and editing the GCA Call Sheet. (My antidepressant had to kick in for me to realize just how much fun I was having with this, remember.)
Does this help?
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Honey, NOBODY looks good in a Speedo. They should all be burned. Bleh!
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So. I've had a thing that made me very unhappy and that I couldn't do a goddamn thing about. How did I deal with it?
For the first long while, I didn't face it head on. To do so would have killed me. Your issue may sort of be the opposite of mine though. Mine happened and it was done and it was clear and resolved. Yours was less clear and took much longer over time to realize that that was the way it was gonna be.
Then I did things that distracted me from the big thing. Little things that kept me engaged and not thinking about 'the big thing.' So maybe I did deal with a 'big thing' differently from you. I did absolutely not face face face it all the time. And it did slap me in the face periodically, but it seemed less bad that way than always thinking about how bad it was.
So anyway, there's another strategy... Ultimately, I would say try different things until you find one that works better than the others, even if just a little bit.
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Is it something you can give away because you have no control over it? Like I am learning to give away the feeling that my co-worker is stupid and being walked upon and it isn't cool but she isn't bitching so why should I so I gotta let it go kind of thing? (Love that sentence, eh? Ha! You should hear it in my head.) There is some stuff you just can't control so why let it control you and give it away. I give my stuff like that to the squirrels. Because the squirrels need something to do other than running in front of my car. Assholes. They are always running in front of me.
So is that no help at all? :)
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WOW, I know what you mean have been that way too lately.
It will get better.
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The thing I wonder is whether the bad things, in this particular instance, are still surprising when they come up, or just unpleasant. Because if they are still surprising, that would seem to call for a different approach than if they're more "Oh, damn, that again." I think there's some space between acceptance and wallowing, where you know it's there and it sucks, and you're not really okay with that (which is what I think of as acceptance), but you do know where the boundaries are and stuff.
But all my bad stuff has been temporary, so I may be talking through my hat again. Are hugs good? I have hugs.
Perspective
This goes along with what I was wanting to say in terms of perspective. Again, I'm also going on the assumption that you're talking about physical limitations relating to foot issues. Now I understand that you're going over and over the same issues, so that you can come to terms with them, but in terms of physical stuff, it sounds like you could be saying over and over to yourself that you can't do things. Like, you'll just have to accept that you can't squaredance anymore. And while this may be true, it is focusing on the negative.
Focusing on the negative, tends to make us fairly miserable. I've done it a lot myself. The trick is to try to change your perspective, so that instead of focusing on the negative, you're focusing on the positive. I'm not exactly trying to suggest to look at the silver lining to your cloud (although I'm sure that's a very Mary Poppins thing to do!), I'm more trying to suggest to focus on the things you CAN do (and that you like doing), versus the ones you can't. i.e. rowing, kayaking (sp?), scrapbooking, playing pool, whatever else you like doing I'm just making things up here, etc.
I don't know how to push the button to change the perspective. Like Allanh said, "What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened." But I do know that the perspective won't change if a person continues to focus on the negative. Someone told me once, when I was struggling with this issue, that I should say the positive over and over again, and then one day, I'd believe it. I can't verify that suggestion, but I'm afraid it's the only one I have.
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What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened.
Yes. This realization has to be deep in the emotions, not just in the head, and that's exactly where I need to get to -- I just don't know HOW.
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Mmm, interesting distinction. If I get to "just unpleasant" I'm doing better, I think, because at least I know. Maybe it's time for me to read up on the stages of grief again...
Distraction sounds good; that will be useful to find (or create). Hugs sound good too. Thanks!
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Ahhh. Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I keep poking at it because it's not clear, the size and shape and extent of it. Yeah.
Distraction = good. Need to throw myself into something. I'll come up with a good something. :)
I'm serious about the squirrels
So my squirrels thing sounds dumb but that's what I am doing. Plus the squirrels don't make me go to church on Sundays.
I'm really not being flippant. It's just how I am. There is just too much shit out there for me to be affected by stuff for a long period of time. Not saying I don't flip out about stuff once in awhile and have my moments because I do. I promise. I'm a little nutbag in my own right. But I suppose I just vent and get it out and that seems to work for me.
And then I pet a cat. Because they purr and they don't give a shit about anything. Except where the food comes from. That's the only thing they care about, being nice to us til we feed them. When it gets too rough pet a cat. And when it gets really rought put a bit of tape on their little heads and watch them go batshit. Not very nice, but very giggly.
*hugs*
You can smack me around if I am being annoying.
Re: Perspective
And then... I bet you are absolutely right that I have to be deliberate in changing my focus. That has got to help.
Thanks!
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He's got his moments, but I didn't know him when he broke his back. I knew him after and he said he is a whole different person than before. He's made himself think different.
So while I don't get it in my head I think I get what you are saying. And I will ask him what he thinks. Although he may just repond with something along the lines of "it sucks."
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It would be cool to hear what CB has to say about the process of learning to think differently. I wish him the best of success with that, too, by the way. I may whine a lot about my feet but my God, the SPINE. There are people with much tougher problems out there.
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I think I'm just realizing that I've spent a lot of time on that and I'd love to get to the next step of "Now What?" I'm not there yet and I wish I were. Some people seem to be able to push a button and POOF their emotions are on a completely different track. I'm not built that way. I gotta wait, one day per day, and I'm impatient!
Creative project. Intriguing idea. Thanks.
Re: Perspective
Amen, sister! Another way to say this is that whatever we put our attention on grows. If I put my attention on the negative, the negativity grows. If I focus on the positive, the positivity grows. I've been practicing this for about 6 months now and the difference in perspective that has resulted is amazing.
The key for me is to stay in the "now". I celebrate all the healthful feelings that are occuring in my body right now. Even if they only last a second, just for right now, I celebrate it with gratitude. At any given moment, something has to feel good and be working well. I mentally praise my body parts for feeling good and thank them for serving me. After a while, it becomes a habit and everything shifts.
The more spiritually minded might consider reading The Power of Now (http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523) by Eckhart Tolle.
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When you have a loss -- whether it's the loss of a loved one, the loss of abilities, or any loss -- you can't go around it by pretending it's going to magically go away the way it came, or by denying it. The only way to get to acceptance is to go through it. If that's what you call wallowing, then wallow.
When Tom died, I immersed myself in my grief and let myself feel the pain rather than trying to pretend it wasn't there. I wallowed in it -- that's the same word I've always used myself for what I did. And by doing that I processed it and managed to move on. It still took a long time, and I can't even describe the depth of the pain except to say it was physical -- I could literally feel my heart aching. But I worked through it and came to accept the loss.
When my joints went crazy it was very sudden. I went to bed okay one night, and woke up in the morning with both knees and both ankles so swollen and painful that I couldn't walk at all. With treatment I improved enough so I could hobble, but I was never pain-free or fully able again. I refused to use a cane for years because I felt that at 38 I was "too young" and "shouldn't" need a cane. I insisted I could do everything I wanted to do, even if it meant living in the recliner for the next three days recuperating. I wanted to be courageous. No wallowing for me! Can you say "denial"? I couldn't admit it then ... but of course that's what it was. Bad idea. It took much longer to learn to accept my loss that way.
I have a theory about the process. I'm not sure if it's scientifically sound or not, but it makes sense -- and if nothing else, it works as a useful metaphor. To come to acceptance, the brain's emotional circuits need to be rewired. You can do it in a shorter time by working intensely at it -- i.e., wallowing -- or you can insist on trying to "rise above it" and not think about it, in which case the rewiring will still happen, but it will take much longer. It works the same way as studying or memorization: the more intensely you work at it, the faster the rewiring is accomplished.
So I think you're method of dealing with it is exactly right. Face the misery. Don't push it away. Sit there and concentrate on it. Acceptance still takes time ... but keep working on it. You'll get there.
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Re: Perspective
Maybe Tolle discusses the difference between positive thinking and denying reality. I think I still have that book.
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I refused to use a cane for years because I felt that at 38 I was "too young" and "shouldn't" need a cane. I insisted I could do everything I wanted to do, even if it meant living in the recliner for the next three days recuperating.
Oh glory do I know the feeling, both of those. *hug hug hug*.
Face the misery. Don't push it away. Sit there and concentrate on it. Acceptance still takes time ... but keep working on it. You'll get there.
Thanks. :) I need to concentrate on the FACT and let the misery, eventually, fade away from it, leaving just the fact. Only then can I make the best decisions about what to do, unclouded by denial-bravado or anger-rebelliousness or whatever.
Time... sigh!! Patience was NOT one of the cards I was dealt! :-)
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Like many others I'm assuming that you are talking with the nerve/foot pain. I can sympathize. Eleven years ago I was told that I was massively and permanently disabled. I was 24 and my world was rocked. It took time to get to acceptance. How did I do it? Counseling. I went to a head shrinker to help me wrap my brain and my heart around this undeniable fact. Being told by the Doctor that "this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life, so get used to it", was just too much for me. So I went to a professional.
Counseling usually works for me. Having that outside/non-involved person around can be very useful.
Hope this idea helps.
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I've been in counseling for years & I admit I'm better than I was but it's definitely not "fixed". Maybe my head is way too big to shrink quickly. :-)
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Just a thought.
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There are certain images of Daniel Craig burned onto my retinas. What can I say, it's horribly shallow of me but there it is.
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(One of my favorite Shakespeare quotes deals with this exact same issue. From Much Ado About Nothing. Something about philosophers being all wise and recommending patience, until they get toothaches, then it all goes out the window in favor of "OWWIE, WOE IS ME!". Well, Shakespeare said it better, but you know, it's the thought that counts.)
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Leonato: I pray thee, cease thy counsel,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
As water in a sieve: give not me counsel;
Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
Bring me a father that so loved his child,
Whose joy of her is overwhelm'd like mine,
And bid him speak of patience;
Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine
And let it answer every strain for strain,
As thus for thus and such a grief for such,
In every lineament, branch, shape, and form:
If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,
Bid sorrow wag, cry 'hem!' when he should groan,
Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk
With candle-wasters; bring him yet to me,
And I of him will gather patience.
But there is no such man: for, brother, men
Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief
Which they themselves not feel; but, tasting it,
Their counsel turns to passion, which before
Would give preceptial medicine to rage,
Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
Charm ache with air and agony with words:
No, no; 'tis all men's office to speak patience
To those that wring under the load of sorrow,
But no man's virtue nor sufficiency
To be so moral when he shall endure
The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel:
My griefs cry louder than advertisement.
Antonio: Therein do men from children nothing differ.
Leonato: I pray thee, peace. I will be flesh and blood;
For there was never yet philosopher
That could endure the toothache patiently,
However they have writ the style of gods
And made a push at chance and sufferance.
Isn't that a gorgeous speech? Spot on, William, spot on.
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Although I haven't seen the flick yet, he's hot.
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Now the torture scene...it's brief, briefless, and very hot, both for what it does and doesn't show.
I did say I was shallow.
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But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
[...]
If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,
... I of him will gather patience.
Yes. There's a heck of a lot to be said for that.
acceptance and misery
I've not been here for a while. It's really something how I can come back
and find that, yet again, your writing speaks to me so directly.
I've been miserable about something I cannot change, so I'm clearly in no
position to advise anyone on how to cope well with such a thing.
But I'll ramble anyway.
You say the question is how to accept something you loathe. Let's talk
about that. What is acceptance? If you accepted it would you LIKE IT?
No? That's what I thought. What would be different? What is acceptance?
It's what you seek here, but what is it?
For me, with my situation, these things come to mind: If I accepted it
I would stop thinking over other outcomes and wishing them to happen,
I would stop thinking about the situation one way or another much,
I would somehow have a lack of grief and horror and shock and protest
inside, and I would have more of my focus on day to day things and
what I'm planning next.
It's like I don't actually understand the finality of the situation.
Maybe you don't either. Maybe your situation is abstract in its own
way too.
Oh, well, now that I've written that it seems entirely unhelpful, but
I'm going to leave it.
Another possible method toward acceptance (I'm not claiming this WORKS
or anything) is to try to make the horrible thing a tiny bit less horrible
by breaking it down into all of its horrible parts and addressing each
one separately. This is not to deny the horribleness of the thing, but
to find out "the extent" of the horribleness, and the nature of the
horribleness, and whether any of the ramifications of the horribleness
can be mitigated in any way. Anyone going into this with the idea of
cleaning out the ick is sure to be disappointed.
Would you want to fill in the blank here:
"I can't accept [this thing] because ___________________"
How many different ways can you fill it in?
How about "[this thing] means (or implies) ____________ about me/life/the future".
(I think "nothing" would be a good fill-in-the-blank for that one.)
I think you have a very strong tendency toward this sort of breaking
things down and naming and problem solving stuff so I imagine you've been
though most aspects of it. Still, it might be worthwhile to rant about
each aspect that is horrible, to tease out what it is that is bothersome.
Helplessness is always vexing, as is physical limitation. I think I always
resent pain and feel it should not exist (there's non-acceptance for ya).
Clearly you've spent lots of energy on finding new forms of exercise.
And have considered various physical aids for mobility (although this topic
doesn't seem to be exhausted yet). This has lots of bearing on "the exact
extent" of your abilities or limits. An occupational therapist might have
some useful ideas, too. (That's not a random optimistic thought -- I was
amazed that my friend who is an OT could think up physical aids that could
have helped me when I had a broken foot that I had NOT thought up even
though I was devoting many hours a week to the thinking....)
This may sound hopelessly corny, but I come up with the need to have ways
to explain the situation that are not going to harm my idea of myself.
Something other than, say, being cursed (on purpose or randomly).
Is there any possible positive reason? I'm just asking.
Acceptance can also involve taking the situation on as part of my story,
my identity, my history (what have you). I feel confined just thinking about
this. (yuuuuuccckkkk)
Being able to clearly and meaningfully express the TRUE AWFULNESS of the
situation is also key for me -- I don't want my acceptance to be taken as
lack of good judgement and taste..... I still know the situation sucks,
and I can express the nature and depth of that, even if it is dispassionately.
best, Moria
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bloody negative and it's not meant to be. Really, the point it to look
at what we think the limits are very carefully, because a lot of the
misery may be over things that are not so. What sharya and allanh
said. Finding pleasant and doable things -- finding that there are
people who like [whatever] -- finding that there are some advantages,
compensations, and just plain other ways to turn.
Re: acceptance and misery
position to advise anyone on how to cope well with such a thing.
Ah, but perhaps you are. See, someone who's never been there will have a tough time giving realistic advice. If you've been there, then at best you know what works for you, and at worst you know a few things that DON'T work for you. :)
Whatever your situation is, I hope you can find some peace around it. It is at times like this that I really begin to appreciate the Buddhist sayings about pain versus suffering. A huge percentage of our agony is our own resistance and anger. May there come a day when the only thing we have to endure is the facts.
What is acceptance? [...]
If I accepted it I would stop thinking over other outcomes and wishing them to happen, I would stop thinking about the situation one way or another much, I would somehow have a lack of grief and horror and shock and protest inside, and I would have more of my focus on day to day things and what I'm planning next.
It's like I don't actually understand the finality of the situation.
Yes, that's it exactly! I think you've put it very well. I'd stop spending nearly so much energy dreaming of how it woulda-coulda-shoulda been different. I could be sad, but would not be shocked, when a reminder of the reality came up. I'd be far, far less angry. Some things would still and forever be out of my hands, but those that are under my control I would pay attention to and decide upon wisely.
In other words, I'd spend my energy living in reality rather than in one or another form of dreamland.
Still, it might be worthwhile to rant about each aspect that is horrible, to tease out what it is that is bothersome.
Yeah, I'm... rather good at listing out the negatives. :-) Of course, that in itself is a positive if I can find ways to work around or minimize some of those negatives. A workaround doesn't have to cover every aspect at once to be useful. Breaking something up into pieces can make that more clear.
I think you're right that the topic of mobility aids is nowhere near exhausted. I have several ideas for mobility things that I don't have the skill-set to prototype, but I may indeed some day find someone who can make them.
Again, best to you as well, with your situation.
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Still, there are days where the depression I feel over the situation is almost overwhelming, and when that happens, I just have to make myself - I don't know - plow through somehow, until the anger and frustration finally give way to some other feelings, or I get immersed enough in something else that I don't think about it anymore. When that happens, I have a few different things I can do - the basic goal of which is to stop myself from thinking about what I can't do anymore. The most effective for me is to sleep, though I know that's not always a practical option. Because I'm homebound and thus never have to be anywhere at any time or otherwise need a structured schedule, I can sleep whenever I want - but almost always, even if it's only a short nap, when I get up, my brain has moved onto other things and I'm doing better than I had been.
Next most effective is to listen to music loudly enough that there's not much room in my brain for other thoughts. Its about as close to meditation as I can get (for some reason I've never been able to do the whole "empty your mind" thing) Usually after a couple rounds of some good Pink Floyd or (duh) Rush I'm back on an even kilter and able to move on to something else.
Now, I realize neither of those things are ways of actually resolving how I feel about the things I can't change - but I don't know if I'll find a way to actually stop being angry or frustrated or even feeling sorry for myself, so for me, the best way to deal with the whole thing is to just find ways to avoid letting it overwhelm me. And I found over time that the bouts of depression, frustration, anger and self-pity have become less frequent - in part, I think, because the longer it goes on, the more I just adapt to the fact that it's the reality of how my life is, and I think that because I make myself block or ignore the feelings of helplessness that I sometimes have, I don't have them as often, because I know that I'll do something to keep myself from ruminating on it for any longer than it take for me to get one of my diversions to kick in.
I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I thought I'd offer it to you anyway.
I hope you're doing better and I'm sorry it took so long to get around to responding!
[[[[ HUGS!! ]]]]