Acceptance vs. wallowing

[cjsmith]

Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)

I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.

I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.

So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.

I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??

Comments

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

Your title draws a false dichotomy. Wallowing leads to acceptance.

When you have a loss -- whether it's the loss of a loved one, the loss of abilities, or any loss -- you can't go around it by pretending it's going to magically go away the way it came, or by denying it. The only way to get to acceptance is to go through it. If that's what you call wallowing, then wallow.

When Tom died, I immersed myself in my grief and let myself feel the pain rather than trying to pretend it wasn't there. I wallowed in it -- that's the same word I've always used myself for what I did. And by doing that I processed it and managed to move on. It still took a long time, and I can't even describe the depth of the pain except to say it was physical -- I could literally feel my heart aching. But I worked through it and came to accept the loss.

When my joints went crazy it was very sudden. I went to bed okay one night, and woke up in the morning with both knees and both ankles so swollen and painful that I couldn't walk at all. With treatment I improved enough so I could hobble, but I was never pain-free or fully able again. I refused to use a cane for years because I felt that at 38 I was "too young" and "shouldn't" need a cane. I insisted I could do everything I wanted to do, even if it meant living in the recliner for the next three days recuperating. I wanted to be courageous. No wallowing for me! Can you say "denial"? I couldn't admit it then ... but of course that's what it was. Bad idea. It took much longer to learn to accept my loss that way.

I have a theory about the process. I'm not sure if it's scientifically sound or not, but it makes sense -- and if nothing else, it works as a useful metaphor. To come to acceptance, the brain's emotional circuits need to be rewired. You can do it in a shorter time by working intensely at it -- i.e., wallowing -- or you can insist on trying to "rise above it" and not think about it, in which case the rewiring will still happen, but it will take much longer. It works the same way as studying or memorization: the more intensely you work at it, the faster the rewiring is accomplished.

So I think you're method of dealing with it is exactly right. Face the misery. Don't push it away. Sit there and concentrate on it. Acceptance still takes time ... but keep working on it. You'll get there.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

Augh! It's not a misspelling, it's an editing error! I had originally begun the last paragraph, "So I think you're dealing with it exactly right." But I changed it. And it's almost 2 AM. But I wanted to finish it, and I wanted to get the nuance right. I always want to get the nuances exactly right. So I recast the sentence ... but I forgot to change the spelling. Fooey on LJ for not letting us edit comments.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

See, that's what I am wondering about -- will wallowing lead to acceptance in my case? It's been a while; am I wallowing too long? Hard to say. At least I'm thinking about it, which will probably stop me from turning into a gibbering madwoman with a permanent neon POOR ME sign. I hope. :-)

I refused to use a cane for years because I felt that at 38 I was "too young" and "shouldn't" need a cane. I insisted I could do everything I wanted to do, even if it meant living in the recliner for the next three days recuperating.

Oh glory do I know the feeling, both of those. *hug hug hug*.

Face the misery. Don't push it away. Sit there and concentrate on it. Acceptance still takes time ... but keep working on it. You'll get there.

Thanks. :) I need to concentrate on the FACT and let the misery, eventually, fade away from it, leaving just the fact. Only then can I make the best decisions about what to do, unclouded by denial-bravado or anger-rebelliousness or whatever.

Time... sigh!! Patience was NOT one of the cards I was dealt! :-)