Acceptance vs. wallowing

[cjsmith]

Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)

I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.

I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.

So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.

I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??

Comments

[allanh.livejournal.com]

[First of all, I had to stop and read the title a couple of times. I could have sworn it said "Acceptance Swallowing". Draw your own conclusions.]

On a more serious note ... I'm going to make the ASSumption that what you're pissed off about are some of the physical limitations you've run into with your feet. It may be something else, but I specifically want to talk about "body limitations" ... 'cause, sister, I promise you, I understand those all too well.

There's a lot more wrong with my body than just being fat. The Hep C is one obvious such item, but there's a host of problems, ranging from asthma and allergies to joint problems to cardiac issues ... there are honestly days I'm surprised I don't just melt down into a puddle of protoplasm, because it feels like NOTHING on me is working any more, goddammit.

[deep breath]

Hello, my name is Allan, and I'm a Wallower.

I spent many years wallowing, until I happened to suddenly !snap! out of it and realized that:

(a) I will never have a flat stomach,
(b) I will never look good in a Speedo, no matter how much weight I lose,
(c) I will never be able to participate in physical activities the way other people can,
(d) I will never be able to go anywhere that has high altitude unless I'm either in a pressurized vehicle or have a big-ass oxygen tank,
(e) [insert pitiful realization here]

...you get the idea. I sat there and made up a list of ALL the things I couldn't do, and I was pissed-off as all bloody hell.

And I thought to myself, well, gee, what's the alternative?

The bitter answer was: there is none.

And I realized that there are some things I can do that most other people can't. There are connections I can make in my brain quicker than other people. There are weird-ass things I can find with a knowledgebase such as Google that nobody else I know is able to locate. The list goes on and on.

My point - and I DO have one! - is that I believe (for the most part) everybody has limitations, and also has compensating skills and/or other factors. It's just a matter of finding out what ELSE you like to do, and doing it.

I decided it was a waste of my time to mourn not being able to do [thing X], so I may as well divert myself by doing [thing Y], which I CAN do.

What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened.

For example, I will admit that knowing I wouldn't ever have a trim and muscular physique "like other people" was a bitter pill to swallow ... until I found a number of guys who happen to LIKE my belly, thank you. I don't claim to understand why, but I find enough of them attractive that I don't care.

Another example hitting closer to home: I've been physically unable to square dance for the better part of the past year, due to various illnesses ... but I found that I can have a helluva lot of fun WRITING about square dancing and calling, and editing the GCA Call Sheet. (My antidepressant had to kick in for me to realize just how much fun I was having with this, remember.)

Does this help?

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

I will never look good in a Speedo

Honey, NOBODY looks good in a Speedo. They should all be burned. Bleh!

[airporter.livejournal.com]

So totally disagree with that, hon. Unless you're talking nude instead of Speedos.

There are certain images of Daniel Craig burned onto my retinas. What can I say, it's horribly shallow of me but there it is.

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Nude is fine. I like nude. But just, speedos. Bleh. It always strikes me that guys who wear them are just trying to compensate for something. Either take the damn thing off or wear something that looks like boxers.

Although I haven't seen the flick yet, he's hot.

[airporter.livejournal.com]

In the opening sequence, he's in a speedo, and the scene was very well done for all that it turns the tables on a Bond tradition.

Now the torture scene...it's brief, briefless, and very hot, both for what it does and doesn't show.

I did say I was shallow.

Perspective

[sharya.livejournal.com]

I really like allanh's comment here, and I think he hit the nail on the head when he said, "I believe (for the most part) everybody has limitations, and also has compensating skills and/or other factors. It's just a matter of finding out what ELSE you like to do, and doing it."

This goes along with what I was wanting to say in terms of perspective. Again, I'm also going on the assumption that you're talking about physical limitations relating to foot issues. Now I understand that you're going over and over the same issues, so that you can come to terms with them, but in terms of physical stuff, it sounds like you could be saying over and over to yourself that you can't do things. Like, you'll just have to accept that you can't squaredance anymore. And while this may be true, it is focusing on the negative.

Focusing on the negative, tends to make us fairly miserable. I've done it a lot myself. The trick is to try to change your perspective, so that instead of focusing on the negative, you're focusing on the positive. I'm not exactly trying to suggest to look at the silver lining to your cloud (although I'm sure that's a very Mary Poppins thing to do!), I'm more trying to suggest to focus on the things you CAN do (and that you like doing), versus the ones you can't. i.e. rowing, kayaking (sp?), scrapbooking, playing pool, whatever else you like doing I'm just making things up here, etc.

I don't know how to push the button to change the perspective. Like Allanh said, "What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened." But I do know that the perspective won't change if a person continues to focus on the negative. Someone told me once, when I was struggling with this issue, that I should say the positive over and over again, and then one day, I'd believe it. I can't verify that suggestion, but I'm afraid it's the only one I have.

Re: Perspective

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I realized when replying to wooddragon below that part of the reason I keep poking at Bad Stuff in my mind is I don't truly know the extent of it, the limitations, my best choices from here. With the feet or with other stuff. So I think I will have to poke at it until I get a sense of the landscape.

And then... I bet you are absolutely right that I have to be deliberate in changing my focus. That has got to help.

Thanks!

Re: Perspective

[jb98.livejournal.com]

Focusing on the negative, tends to make us fairly miserable. I've done it a lot myself.

Amen, sister! Another way to say this is that whatever we put our attention on grows. If I put my attention on the negative, the negativity grows. If I focus on the positive, the positivity grows. I've been practicing this for about 6 months now and the difference in perspective that has resulted is amazing.

The key for me is to stay in the "now". I celebrate all the healthful feelings that are occuring in my body right now. Even if they only last a second, just for right now, I celebrate it with gratitude. At any given moment, something has to feel good and be working well. I mentally praise my body parts for feeling good and thank them for serving me. After a while, it becomes a habit and everything shifts.

The more spiritually minded might consider reading The Power of Now (http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523) by Eckhart Tolle.

Re: Perspective

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I guess my question then would become where the boundary lies between "focusing on the positive" and going into denial. Perhaps it's a fuzzy boundary and there are several clues. If the negative thing crops up and I say "oh that again" instead of "HUH??" then probably I'm not in denial.

Maybe Tolle discusses the difference between positive thinking and denying reality. I think I still have that book.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I decided it was a waste of my time to mourn not being able to do [thing X], so I may as well divert myself by doing [thing Y], which I CAN do.

What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened.

Yes. This realization has to be deep in the emotions, not just in the head, and that's exactly where I need to get to -- I just don't know HOW.

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I just went back and read the comments and I was totally off track I think. Anyway, I think I understand as much as a non-affected person can. CB broke his back. He can't do what he wants to do workwise anymore. That sucks. He's spent a long time figuring out what he can do instead and he's slowly getting stuff done. But he kind of explains it as relearning everything and resetting his brain. He had to learn to walk again and he said learning to think different is much harder than learning to walk.

He's got his moments, but I didn't know him when he broke his back. I knew him after and he said he is a whole different person than before. He's made himself think different.

So while I don't get it in my head I think I get what you are saying. And I will ask him what he thinks. Although he may just repond with something along the lines of "it sucks."

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh I don't think you're totally off track -- I think there's a lot to be said for letting go. Sometimes it truly is the only thing to be done.

It would be cool to hear what CB has to say about the process of learning to think differently. I wish him the best of success with that, too, by the way. I may whine a lot about my feet but my God, the SPINE. There are people with much tougher problems out there.