Acceptance vs. wallowing

[cjsmith]

Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)

I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.

I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.

So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.

I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??

Comments

Re: acceptance and misery

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I've been miserable about something I cannot change, so I'm clearly in no
position to advise anyone on how to cope well with such a thing.

Ah, but perhaps you are. See, someone who's never been there will have a tough time giving realistic advice. If you've been there, then at best you know what works for you, and at worst you know a few things that DON'T work for you. :)

Whatever your situation is, I hope you can find some peace around it. It is at times like this that I really begin to appreciate the Buddhist sayings about pain versus suffering. A huge percentage of our agony is our own resistance and anger. May there come a day when the only thing we have to endure is the facts.

What is acceptance? [...]

If I accepted it I would stop thinking over other outcomes and wishing them to happen, I would stop thinking about the situation one way or another much, I would somehow have a lack of grief and horror and shock and protest inside, and I would have more of my focus on day to day things and what I'm planning next.

It's like I don't actually understand the finality of the situation.

Yes, that's it exactly! I think you've put it very well. I'd stop spending nearly so much energy dreaming of how it woulda-coulda-shoulda been different. I could be sad, but would not be shocked, when a reminder of the reality came up. I'd be far, far less angry. Some things would still and forever be out of my hands, but those that are under my control I would pay attention to and decide upon wisely.

In other words, I'd spend my energy living in reality rather than in one or another form of dreamland.

Still, it might be worthwhile to rant about each aspect that is horrible, to tease out what it is that is bothersome.

Yeah, I'm... rather good at listing out the negatives. :-) Of course, that in itself is a positive if I can find ways to work around or minimize some of those negatives. A workaround doesn't have to cover every aspect at once to be useful. Breaking something up into pieces can make that more clear.

I think you're right that the topic of mobility aids is nowhere near exhausted. I have several ideas for mobility things that I don't have the skill-set to prototype, but I may indeed some day find someone who can make them.

Again, best to you as well, with your situation.