Acceptance vs. wallowing

[cjsmith]

Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)

I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.

I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.

So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.

I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??

Comments

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Dilute! Dilute! By which I mean, distraction is a fine and pleasant thing. (Distraction can be distinguished from denial by the fact that it doesn't bump into the bad thing, and from wallowing by the fact that you're not constantly thinking "I'm only doing [X fun thing] because I can't do [Y fun thing]. Damn, I wish there wasn't a [bad thing] so I could do [Y fun thing].") Something that occupies large amounts of brain space is good for avoiding that second one -- do you play an instrument? That tends to be pretty brain-filling.

The thing I wonder is whether the bad things, in this particular instance, are still surprising when they come up, or just unpleasant. Because if they are still surprising, that would seem to call for a different approach than if they're more "Oh, damn, that again." I think there's some space between acceptance and wallowing, where you know it's there and it sucks, and you're not really okay with that (which is what I think of as acceptance), but you do know where the boundaries are and stuff.

But all my bad stuff has been temporary, so I may be talking through my hat again. Are hugs good? I have hugs.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The thing I wonder is whether the bad things, in this particular instance, are still surprising when they come up, or just unpleasant.

Mmm, interesting distinction. If I get to "just unpleasant" I'm doing better, I think, because at least I know. Maybe it's time for me to read up on the stages of grief again...

Distraction sounds good; that will be useful to find (or create). Hugs sound good too. Thanks!