Acceptance vs. wallowing

[cjsmith]

Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)

I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.

I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.

So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.

I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??

Comments

acceptance and misery

[moriamerri.livejournal.com]

Hi CJ,

I've not been here for a while. It's really something how I can come back
and find that, yet again, your writing speaks to me so directly.
I've been miserable about something I cannot change, so I'm clearly in no
position to advise anyone on how to cope well with such a thing.

But I'll ramble anyway.

You say the question is how to accept something you loathe. Let's talk
about that. What is acceptance? If you accepted it would you LIKE IT?
No? That's what I thought. What would be different? What is acceptance?
It's what you seek here, but what is it?

For me, with my situation, these things come to mind: If I accepted it
I would stop thinking over other outcomes and wishing them to happen,
I would stop thinking about the situation one way or another much,
I would somehow have a lack of grief and horror and shock and protest
inside, and I would have more of my focus on day to day things and
what I'm planning next.

It's like I don't actually understand the finality of the situation.
Maybe you don't either. Maybe your situation is abstract in its own
way too.

Oh, well, now that I've written that it seems entirely unhelpful, but
I'm going to leave it.

Another possible method toward acceptance (I'm not claiming this WORKS
or anything) is to try to make the horrible thing a tiny bit less horrible
by breaking it down into all of its horrible parts and addressing each
one separately. This is not to deny the horribleness of the thing, but
to find out "the extent" of the horribleness, and the nature of the
horribleness, and whether any of the ramifications of the horribleness
can be mitigated in any way. Anyone going into this with the idea of
cleaning out the ick is sure to be disappointed.

Would you want to fill in the blank here:
"I can't accept [this thing] because ___________________"
How many different ways can you fill it in?

How about "[this thing] means (or implies) ____________ about me/life/the future".
(I think "nothing" would be a good fill-in-the-blank for that one.)

I think you have a very strong tendency toward this sort of breaking
things down and naming and problem solving stuff so I imagine you've been
though most aspects of it. Still, it might be worthwhile to rant about
each aspect that is horrible, to tease out what it is that is bothersome.

Helplessness is always vexing, as is physical limitation. I think I always
resent pain and feel it should not exist (there's non-acceptance for ya).

Clearly you've spent lots of energy on finding new forms of exercise.
And have considered various physical aids for mobility (although this topic
doesn't seem to be exhausted yet). This has lots of bearing on "the exact
extent" of your abilities or limits. An occupational therapist might have
some useful ideas, too. (That's not a random optimistic thought -- I was
amazed that my friend who is an OT could think up physical aids that could
have helped me when I had a broken foot that I had NOT thought up even
though I was devoting many hours a week to the thinking....)

This may sound hopelessly corny, but I come up with the need to have ways
to explain the situation that are not going to harm my idea of myself.
Something other than, say, being cursed (on purpose or randomly).
Is there any possible positive reason? I'm just asking.

Acceptance can also involve taking the situation on as part of my story,
my identity, my history (what have you). I feel confined just thinking about
this. (yuuuuuccckkkk)

Being able to clearly and meaningfully express the TRUE AWFULNESS of the
situation is also key for me -- I don't want my acceptance to be taken as
lack of good judgement and taste..... I still know the situation sucks,
and I can express the nature and depth of that, even if it is dispassionately.

best, Moria

Re: acceptance and misery

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I've been miserable about something I cannot change, so I'm clearly in no
position to advise anyone on how to cope well with such a thing.

Ah, but perhaps you are. See, someone who's never been there will have a tough time giving realistic advice. If you've been there, then at best you know what works for you, and at worst you know a few things that DON'T work for you. :)

Whatever your situation is, I hope you can find some peace around it. It is at times like this that I really begin to appreciate the Buddhist sayings about pain versus suffering. A huge percentage of our agony is our own resistance and anger. May there come a day when the only thing we have to endure is the facts.

What is acceptance? [...]

If I accepted it I would stop thinking over other outcomes and wishing them to happen, I would stop thinking about the situation one way or another much, I would somehow have a lack of grief and horror and shock and protest inside, and I would have more of my focus on day to day things and what I'm planning next.

It's like I don't actually understand the finality of the situation.

Yes, that's it exactly! I think you've put it very well. I'd stop spending nearly so much energy dreaming of how it woulda-coulda-shoulda been different. I could be sad, but would not be shocked, when a reminder of the reality came up. I'd be far, far less angry. Some things would still and forever be out of my hands, but those that are under my control I would pay attention to and decide upon wisely.

In other words, I'd spend my energy living in reality rather than in one or another form of dreamland.

Still, it might be worthwhile to rant about each aspect that is horrible, to tease out what it is that is bothersome.

Yeah, I'm... rather good at listing out the negatives. :-) Of course, that in itself is a positive if I can find ways to work around or minimize some of those negatives. A workaround doesn't have to cover every aspect at once to be useful. Breaking something up into pieces can make that more clear.

I think you're right that the topic of mobility aids is nowhere near exhausted. I have several ideas for mobility things that I don't have the skill-set to prototype, but I may indeed some day find someone who can make them.

Again, best to you as well, with your situation.