Acceptance vs. wallowing

[cjsmith]

Sometimes I'm very unhappy about something and I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it except come to some kind of acceptance. (People who have never had a problem outside your power to solve, stop reading now; save your innocence.)

I don't know how to accept something I loathe except to face it over and over and over. Otherwise, I go into denial, not useful long-term. So I keep repeating the unpleasant truth to myself until it doesn't hurt any more. I analyze. I try to find loopholes. I want to know just where the boundaries are. I want to know how bad it is, and I want to face that.

I wallow in it. If I don't, I keep getting unpleasantly surprised when it slaps me in the face.

So far there are not many things in my life that are bad enough that this technique doesn't work. But there are a couple... and it isn't working... and it's been years.

I am quite tired of being unhappy about this crap. If wallowing isn't going to work I can sure be happier day-to-day if I ditch it. Any other techniques??

Comments

Perspective

[sharya.livejournal.com]

I really like allanh's comment here, and I think he hit the nail on the head when he said, "I believe (for the most part) everybody has limitations, and also has compensating skills and/or other factors. It's just a matter of finding out what ELSE you like to do, and doing it."

This goes along with what I was wanting to say in terms of perspective. Again, I'm also going on the assumption that you're talking about physical limitations relating to foot issues. Now I understand that you're going over and over the same issues, so that you can come to terms with them, but in terms of physical stuff, it sounds like you could be saying over and over to yourself that you can't do things. Like, you'll just have to accept that you can't squaredance anymore. And while this may be true, it is focusing on the negative.

Focusing on the negative, tends to make us fairly miserable. I've done it a lot myself. The trick is to try to change your perspective, so that instead of focusing on the negative, you're focusing on the positive. I'm not exactly trying to suggest to look at the silver lining to your cloud (although I'm sure that's a very Mary Poppins thing to do!), I'm more trying to suggest to focus on the things you CAN do (and that you like doing), versus the ones you can't. i.e. rowing, kayaking (sp?), scrapbooking, playing pool, whatever else you like doing I'm just making things up here, etc.

I don't know how to push the button to change the perspective. Like Allanh said, "What I don't have is a formula or method for reaching this realization. It just ... happened." But I do know that the perspective won't change if a person continues to focus on the negative. Someone told me once, when I was struggling with this issue, that I should say the positive over and over again, and then one day, I'd believe it. I can't verify that suggestion, but I'm afraid it's the only one I have.

Re: Perspective

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I realized when replying to wooddragon below that part of the reason I keep poking at Bad Stuff in my mind is I don't truly know the extent of it, the limitations, my best choices from here. With the feet or with other stuff. So I think I will have to poke at it until I get a sense of the landscape.

And then... I bet you are absolutely right that I have to be deliberate in changing my focus. That has got to help.

Thanks!

Re: Perspective

[jb98.livejournal.com]

Focusing on the negative, tends to make us fairly miserable. I've done it a lot myself.

Amen, sister! Another way to say this is that whatever we put our attention on grows. If I put my attention on the negative, the negativity grows. If I focus on the positive, the positivity grows. I've been practicing this for about 6 months now and the difference in perspective that has resulted is amazing.

The key for me is to stay in the "now". I celebrate all the healthful feelings that are occuring in my body right now. Even if they only last a second, just for right now, I celebrate it with gratitude. At any given moment, something has to feel good and be working well. I mentally praise my body parts for feeling good and thank them for serving me. After a while, it becomes a habit and everything shifts.

The more spiritually minded might consider reading The Power of Now (http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523) by Eckhart Tolle.

Re: Perspective

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I guess my question then would become where the boundary lies between "focusing on the positive" and going into denial. Perhaps it's a fuzzy boundary and there are several clues. If the negative thing crops up and I say "oh that again" instead of "HUH??" then probably I'm not in denial.

Maybe Tolle discusses the difference between positive thinking and denying reality. I think I still have that book.