social life

[cjsmith]

Here are a few things I notice.

- anyone who's interested in spending time with me becomes less interested once they get to know me
- the people who know me best have the least time to spend with me
- if I stop reaching out and making invitations, I stop seeing anyone (there's one exception here)

What that tells me is either a) I'm going mad, and imagining observable facts, or b) I do not provide value. (Long term, that is. Short term -- people who don't know me yet -- I think people like the tits. But long term, they see what else comes with, and it's no longer a net win.)

I have to learn how to be a net win, how to provide better value for time spent.

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

That goes contrary to my experience. The more I learn about you, regardless of tits, the more I like you. I wish I lived closer to you so I could get together socially more often.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as other respondents pointed out, Geography Happens. :)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I have to learn how to be a net win, how to provide better value for time spent.

Careful with that kind of thinking. It can lead to the dangerous "change self for others to like me" train.

Personally, while I know you and I have only been together in person a couple of times, what I have gleaned from those times and reading your journal leads to, IMHO, a fourth item:

- some people are just too far away geographically

:-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It can lead to the dangerous "change self for others to like me" train.

True. I was thinking of ways I could change superficially, so that I'm more enjoyable to be around, without feeling like I'm papering over my real feelings or pretending to be someone I'm not. For example, if I see an intersection with jammed-up traffic, I could say "I bet if there were a left turn sequence at this light, those guys would get through faster, and I wonder why that wasn't done" instead of "gawd, whoever designed this one is an idiot". The first more accurately reflects my feelings and thoughts. The second is what tends to drop out of my mouth.

And yeah, geography happens. :)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

Could it be that you hang out with the kind of person who's just not very proactive at keeping in touch? (i.e. nothing to do with you personally?)

I ask because I'd definitely love to spend time with you (tits and all :)), but I do have problems keeping up with people - I have no sense of time, and if you stopped reaching out I'd prolly just assume you were busy, and drift along obliviously.

Note that in the early stages of knowing someone a day is more significant a fraction of the time you've known them, so that the tapering off might be more a timescaling than a loss of interest.

Hopefully that all made sense :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Could it be that you hang out with the kind of person who's just not very proactive at keeping in touch? (i.e. nothing to do with you personally?)

Yep, I think that's a factor (see Larry's comment and my response). I probably need my effort-filters recalibrated.

And there's a thing I'll label "cousin to the Lesbian Sheep Syndrome": I and a friend could both sit around assuming the other person is busy.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

corrected link

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I've only spent a very little time in your company, and would very much like to spend more. Unfortunately, there's all this geography...

I have very fond memories of exchanging e-mail with you when we were training together. I miss that.

I'm not in a position, yet, to say whether or not you provide value over the long term in person. I did find that you provided value to me over the long term in e-mail, and I hope I did the same for you. From our brief interaction in person, I'll allow as how the tits are awfully nice eye candy, as is the waist and the hip curve and the whole general package, but I was at least as interested in the conversation as I was in admiring the view.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I miss that, too; for me it's spiced with frustration at not being able to run at all.

I'm not in a position, yet, to say whether or not you provide value over the long term in person. I did find that you provided value to me over the long term in e-mail, and I hope I did the same for you.

Oh, now here's a thought: what if the two aren't necessarily related? I mean, I know I show a different face, just due to the medium. (No sudden blurting. Many bad moods are simply disconnected. That sort of thing.) There are definitely some people who are worse on line than face to face. Maybe there are some who are better.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I have a hard time imagining that the two are completely unrelated. It's possible that one can supplement the other, such that in-person can add to e-mail, and vice verse. I can think of several people I know who, if I had not traded e-mail with them, I might not consider particularly interesting people due to certain awkwardnesses which manifest in person-to-person contact.

[lrc.livejournal.com]

Funny, you're someone I really wish I could spend more time with.

There are minor problems with geography and schedule.

Perhaps it's a case that you "attract" people who do lots of interesting things and who have little free time.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think there's a lot to be said for that. I mean, pick a random sample of my friends: they do stuff. More than one is starting a new business. Even the "unemployed" ones have home improvement projects, or kids they're raising, or hobbies that have their own commitments attached, or "part-time" (which turns out to be full time) non-payroll work of some kind.

So maybe that just means I need to be recalibrated. My ideas of how much reaching out should be needed might be screwy.

You're going mad.

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'd echo Larry. You are definitely someone that I like to hang out with, but opportunities don't seem to arise often. Also, I'm a fair distance from you, especially now that I'm working in SF.

All that being said, how 'bout lunch sometime this week?

Re: You're going mad.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Indeed, distance is a factor, particularly for a lot of people who might see this entry. :)

jdecker just claimed Thursday -- how 'bout Friday?

Re: You're going mad.

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

Works for me!
Email me so we can work out details?

Re: You're going mad.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

d'ja get the mail?

[firecat]

I wonder how to reconcile the above with your not having responded to the OH's and my semi-regular social invitations over the years. Are you including in your calculations only people who interest you and we don't? Did you decide after going to an event of ours that we became less interested in you (if so, on what basis)? Are you not counting party invites, only invites to spend time one-on-one?

I'm just curious. If the answer is "I'm not interested in youse," I won't be insulted.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right, I didn't even think of those, and I'm not sure why. I also realized after I wrote the post that I hadn't remembered my friend Karen's invitation to dinner last night. Maybe I'm subconsciously discounting any invitation to a thing I can't attend? (I had a prior commitment last night. This happens a lot -- many things in my life are set up way in advance.)

Maybe I should make more effort to go to group things, like parties. I don't usually try very hard to rearrange other stuff so that I could attend. As a sort-of-shy person, I think I've mentally labeled parties "not fun" categorically. This isn't always true in practice... and there are ways to make a party fun even if I'm shyish... and they can even be good places to connect with people one-on-one, too.

[firecat]

I'm rarely in the mood for parties, but sometimes I reciprocate party invites with a one-on-one invitation. Or I throw my own party, which is more fun for me than going to other people's, because I know everyone.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

sometimes I reciprocate party invites with a one-on-one invitation

[nod] good thought. I think my brain is twisting things in such a way that that would "count" as me reaching out more, which says a lot about why I got to feeling the way I did when I posted.

[firecat]

I think of doing that as "reaching out more" too. But in the past I liked one-on-one dates better than parties so it made sense to do it. These days my preferences aren't as clear-cut.

[eichin.livejournal.com]

Hmm, does that mean you don't throw parties, either? (I've always felt that's one of the reasons to go to the trouble of having a *house*... though I guess I throw a reasonable number in my Davis^2 apartment too, so maybe it doesn't relate *that* well.) Hosting is a fair amount of work, but it does get easier with practice (both in units of effort and of stress.)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, throwing a party is *very* rare for me. Last time I did that I was lucky not to have to replace expensive equipment that was... well, not QUITE misused. Plus one guest, annoyed at something, said right in front of me "We'll never have THIS [way of doing things] in OUR house." (To be fair I don't know if she knew I was standing right there.) I also got some kudos and all, but nah, parties aren't worth it for me.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I've found it quite difficult to persuade people to drive out here (1.5-2 hours from the Bay Area, depending on which part, but it might as well be Boston the way they act. :-) So, other than the housewarming, which was *really* well attended, I think I've thrown 2 parties in the 5 years I've been out here.

[tytso.livejournal.com]

I think I'm re-iterating the same common theme, but I've always enjoyed spending time with you. We share similar interests, and it's always been fun and enjoying to chat with you about many different subjects. The main problem has always been one of geography --- obviously you and Rob should move back to Boston. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Truth to tell, I've frequently considered moving back to the Boston area. I'm not fond of its traffic, but this area's no better; I'd get a little grumpy about the weather, but here I miss seasons; I'd be closer to my parents for the few remaining years they'll choose to stay in Natick, and I'd be closer to old friends, but I'd be farther from new friends. I think somewhere in the dim recessess of my mind I thought I'd get rich off some startup and buy a jet, and then it wouldn't matter so much... ah, fie on "real life" and its constraints. ;)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as stated above, I think it's a lot of geography. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with you, but I'm horrid at writing "keeping in touch" type emails.

And I'm not saying this just because I've seen your tits ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, at least on LJ that's a big factor.

(Indeed you have, haven't you? ;)

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

add me to list of "geographacally challenged" as well as "bogged down with real life".

I could seriously benefit from a daily CJ fix, but how?

i understand where you're coming from ... if it wasn't for my women's group, i'd probably have zero friends and never leave the house.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I would love to come over and join your wild&crazy group of friends. *sigh*.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

I like you, tits unseen, because of what I've read. I admit my view of you is limited your journal, but what I have seen makes me think you are a pretty wonderful person and I find it an honor and a privilege to know you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. (imagine a shy smile here.)

It's so easy to be grumpy and figure nobody likes me... but y'know, I don't know that unless they've said as much.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

And here I was just replaying our last lunch the other day, with a wistful "Damn, it was nice of her to drive to Benicia."

I am about to die in a pit of o-chem, but April will be better, if you're up for a reprise.

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I suspect I'll be employed by then (& thus more geographically tied down middays) but hey, y'know, I've been saying "I'll probably be working by then" for far too long now, so what the hey, if I'm NOT, April reprise it is!

Was that sentence even parsable?

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Well, *I* managed to parse it.

I misspoke myself, though. My Chem final is 18 March, and the week after that I have no classes (which means my Tuesdays/Thursdays are negotiable), and after that I am back to the grind and then some (I registered for a full load this quarter, not counting the Bio lab class, which runs on a semester frame and is thus In Progress.)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Mmm, blrg... I'm most unbusy just *after* the last weekend in March, as there's a big square dance gig that weekend and I have been punting the prep work for far too long. If I'm counting the days right, that works out just plain pessimally for us being unbusy together.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I've only seen you once in person, at a bi-coffee in SJ two years ago, and did not notice tits. I'm sure they're there ;-).

You aren't geographically inaccessible to me, at least, but you have seemed a bit reclusive. Local events that I attend aren't ones that you attend, I guess. And I tend to flirt and assess openness at group events before making invitations, even to lunch. To me, it seems to be hard to get to know you.

That said, I'd like to go to a range sometime with you, even to practice with smaller calibers. And anyone with their own airplane... heh. And if you're ever interested in lunch...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

'Tis true that I don't attend many local events. Yeah. I can imagine seeming hard-to-get-to-know. I'd never thought of that before, though.

Range time sounds cool. Where do you go for same? I'd love to hear more about your survival training.

Er, hate to disillusion you, but I don't own an airplane. I shore do wish I did! [mutter mutter stock price.] But I can sometimes wangle rides for friends in rfrench's plane. (I'm not qualified to fly that one myself.) *dreamy sigh* ah, airplanes!

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

And then there are the people who HAVE experienced long-term benefit from knowing you but have never had the privilege of meeting you in person. As the longest-standing member of this group, lemme tell you IT SUCKS (and I haven't even ever gotten to *see* your tits!:)!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Next time we're in the same hot tub, glance over my way. ;)

As if you could stop me!

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

You know, you really bring out my Inner Lesbian, Ceej! :)

Re: As if you could stop me!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*blink* innocent li'l old me? YOU'D be corrupting ME, right?

Re: As if you could stop me!

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, RIGHT!

Re: As if you could stop me!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

We should decide how we're gonna play this. Either I'm sweet and innocent and your Inner Lesbian is gonna show me a whole new world, or else your humble but oh so worthy imagination knows just what to do even when tongue-tied.

There's always both. I, uh, I need practice, yeah, that's it. :-)

Re: As if you could stop me!

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

No problem! I specialize in having it both ways! ;)