Dreams

[cjsmith]

This must be "midlife crisis".

A LiveJournal friend asked what people's dreams were and how they changed over the years. Here's how I answered "what did I want to be when I grew up":

Astronaut. I "figured out" I couldn't do that because I was a girl; by the time I learned differently it was too late.

Blue Angel pilot. Yeah, still a girl.

Writer. I never really wrote anything, at least anything that didn't suck. I'm not sure what that says about me and my dreams but it probably isn't good.

Much later I decided I'd be one of those feisty old ladies who ran marathons into her seventies. So much for that.

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

(Plus of course the whole standing up thing. Realistically, veterinarian is not for me this lifetime.)

Computer programmer and square dance caller weren't ever really on the list. Person who works from 6:15am to some time around 8:30pm wasn't on the list. (That was yesterday.) Person with cats, yes; that's always been there. I'd like a dog some day, if I find a means of income that involves being home during waking hours.

But that's the interesting question now, isn't it: do I have any dreams? Any that are left, that is. Those I've discarded I've discarded for good reasons, and while that hurts a lot, I'm not going to change it. Do I have new dreams? Have a dog? Okay, that's one. Anything else? Is that the best I can do?

It's time to reinvent myself.

I wish it were a faster process.

Comments

[ohhjuliet.livejournal.com]

Good friend. Strong supporter. Always there with a kind or encouraging word.

Better than an astronaut any day.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! Although an astronaut's view from the "office" can't be beat. :-)

Say, how are you feeling physically? I thought of this yesterday: I haven't heard much about pain and doom from you lately. Are you fully recovered? Did the surgery do what it was supposed to do for you?

[midendian.livejournal.com]

Well achieving dreams isn't everything. I wanted to be a programmer when I was a kid, and I achieved that, and have never really been happy doing it.

I think you're doing fine :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

There is that. Rob achieved his, too: go to a good technical school and start his own company. What does the dog do when he actually catches the car?

I remember reading an article in Technology Review about some young men in India who dreamed of being computer programmers. It really struck me, even back then (four or more years ago), that here was a career these guys held as their life's dream and I was just about ready to throw it all away. That was quite a dose of perspective.

[layer.livejournal.com]

i still have dreams. i just can't seem to figure out how to extricate myself enough from the current situations to get to them.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Mmm: a different, but no less poignant, challenge. What are your dreams? The horticulture one I remember. Are there others?

[layer.livejournal.com]

number one that my internal feminist makes it hard for me to admit is the ever-present "find someone to share this whole mess with" thing. i hate like hell that what i want most is not having to do all this alone (i know, not totally alone, but you know what i mean). it feels weak. no matter how many times i've learned that it often takes a stronger person to ask for help or company than to do it alone. this dream may even include the whole having a family thing if i can sort it out before it gets too late. shocking. but i take it as a huge sign of progress and maturity that i can finally admit that.

number two is more amorphous. i want a simpler, more carefree life. i am tired of spending my days trapped in a variety of small boxes (cars, cubes, conference rooms). i am tired of being stressed out all the time over things of no great consequence in the grander scheme of life. i am tired of being sick one week out of every four. i want the space and freedom and peace to reinvigorate my health and my creativity. to start writing again and painting and quilting and all those things i used to do before i let this mad virus "workaholism" take over my life again.

number three, i want my piece of land. you know the one where i can indulge my survivalist dreams, build myself an earthship, and do some of the stuff i listed above in peace. (i have not ruled out the whole "live with my friends on a farm idea" at all, so if you find yourself leaning in that direction let me know.)

number four, is the landscaping thing. i love bringing horticultural beauty and joy to others almost as much as i love doing it for myself. okay, maybe more, it's just that others can be a lot harder to please.

number five, i want to write about it. all of it. because as with landscaping, the only thing better than the stories, is sharing them. making other people's lives better or more enjoyable, or more connected, or whatever, even if it's just for the time they spend reading my words.

which brings me to number six. i want to win the lottery to make numbers 2-5 a reality. okay, that one probably falls more under "pipe dream" than dream, but hey, it was worth a shot.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not anti-feminist to prefer the company of another to being alone. Having power of your own doesn't mean isolating yourself. But I totally get why it's hard to admit you want a partner or a family. We're surrounded by messages saying "wanting those things means you're brainwashed". Maybe one day the pendulum will calm down and a girl will be able to choose either or both, career or family or both, and choose it freely.

I, too, want 2. That is huge. Boy do I hear you on that one. Yes yes yes.

I think I knew about three through five if I had thought a little.

So the whole lottery thing... that's the toughie! *sigh* I wonder if there are smaller steps in the right direction... move to a less fiendishly expensive area first, then to an area with land? That kind of thing? I don't know. I too want to win the lottery, not because I want to be rich, but because I want to be not trapped. There have to be smaller steps we can take.

[layer.livejournal.com]

I too want to win the lottery, not because I want to be rich, but because I want to be not trapped.

that's exactly it. i'm so trying to figure out the smaller steps, but it's tough to think out of the box when you spend your days in cubes. especially when you're sick and exhausted all the time. :(

i could probably sell my house and buy a piece of land for significantly less tomorrow, but a) i love my house and am not quite ready to give it up yet, and b) moving to the middle of nowhere away from my friends and family... if i think i'm alone now...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

True, it's very difficult to do much when you're sick and exhausted all the time.

So that plot of land has a significant cost associated with it: you'd have to move. Would it ever be worth that, to you? (I ask myself this too. What would be, for me, worth moving? Easier question in my case, as I don't have roots here.)

[layer.livejournal.com]

yes, i'd have to move. what would make it worth it is contingent on how far. if it's sonoma county, it wouldn't take much. if it's somewhere in the middle, pretty much nothing. unless i could convince people to come with me. but either way, i don't think i could/would do it by myself. so that brings me back to either number one on my list or convincing my friends to do it with me.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

The place next to mine (in western Calaveras County) is for sale. :-)

[layer.livejournal.com]

how big, how much, what city?

pipe dream at this point but those count as dreams too.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Google maps link to 50 Stone Corral Court, Linden CA 95236. (That's a mailing address -- it's unincorporated Calaveras County, with Wallace as the nearest "town", and we vote and get fire services from Jenny Lind.)

http://tinyurl.com/29o7jf

I think it's 10 acres? You can use the following link to get at a parcel map:
http://www.co.calaveras.ca.us/prop/PropertyIntro.aspx

I have wasted too much time trying to find the actual listing (can't remember the name of the realty co), so won't venture a guess at the asking price, but it's been on the market at least 6 months... either they're not serious or they're asking way too much. There's a bunch of stuff available out my way, though, from raw land on up.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's a small river in there, isn't it? And there might be room for a dirt airstrip. Hmmmmm. :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Indian Creek, technically. The place to have bought for a dirt airstrip has just had an orchard put on half, and a house on the other half. It's the next thing north, between these people and Hwy 26.

Of course, we're not terribly far from KCPU either. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw darn. One of my maybe-somedays is living on my own land with a little airstrip.

O'course, heading back to the theme of this entry, you'd think these feet of mine might have taught me a lesson about waiting around to go after my maybe-somedays.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Well, except that even that funky long arm on the side that looks like it's probably farthest from you -- even that might be a bit too close to horses for an airplane to go. Oh well, it was an idea. :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I should add that I greatly prefer the commute from here to the south bay, than from the north bay to anywhere south of the golden gate bridge. :) You can make Sunnyvale in 1.5 hours if there's no traffic, and if you're commuting in traffic, give it up and take the train (30m to Stockton, and then you can nap or work).

[layer.livejournal.com]

oooo...interesting. definitely food for thought.

thanks!

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Dreams evolve as we do. And we do. When we are young we dream of the wildest possibilities, even if they aren't realistic. As we get older we dream of what we think is possible. Then we dream of what might have been. Sad, that. We should dream of the wildest possibilities again, if nothing else it's happier, more fun, and truer to who we really are.

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That makes a fair bit of sense. I wonder if part of what people call "midlife crisis" is the recognition that some of those wild possibilities aren't realistic, and thus there's some flailing around as a person either accepts or violently denies reality and the passage of time.

We should dream of the wildest possibilities again, if nothing else it's happier, more fun, and truer to who we really are.

I suspect this is part of why I want to write fiction: I can create the wildest possibilities, if only for my made-up protagonist.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I think it's absolutely wonderful that you ask yourself these questions. I can see from your writings and our conversations that the foot problem is a life-changing problem that is tough to understand if you aren't in the position yourself, as you are. I try to imagine how I would deal with it and every time I think I understand it on the same level as you do, I see something you write or hear something you say and realize that I don't.

You ask yourself these questions, you consider how to change your life to balance the needs of your body with the needs of your self. You're pretty fabulous.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! What a great compliment!

The foot thing is tough for me to understand too, and I am in the position myself. :-) Maybe in another five or ten years I'll have a handle on it!

For now, though, what I want most is to replace the Oh Em Gee Poor Me I Can't Do These Eleventymillion Things with something fun and new and challenging and exciting and wonderful. I don't know what that is yet, but I'll find it.

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

What an interesting post! It is sad that certain ambitions were denied to most girls (except maybe to the exceptionally talented or most aggressive who ended up being trailblazers). Does it make you feel better to know that today's girls could have those aspirations? Or does it make you angry to know that you missed that chance while others are able to have it? (I think both reactions would be normal, but I hope for your sake that you are able to feel OK about it.)

My sister was very talented at sports when she was younger, and when she was in high school, was a star goalie on the girls' ice hockey team. Even that marked some significant change - she's only 3 years younger than I am, and there was no ice hockey for girls when I was in high school. (Not that this matters to me - I was so absolutely NOT talented at sports. :))

As a child, I wanted to be either a scientist or a writer. Well, I'm now a technical writer, so I guess that's pretty close to those goals. (OK, so I wanted to work in a laboratory or publish stories and novels, but hey, I have to make a living here!)

In high school, I was great at math, but I never wanted to be a mathematician. I had no interest in computers then, either - I graduated high school in 1972, and we really didn't have much access to computers. There were one or two geeks who played around with the mainframe computer that our school (along with several others) had access to, and I remember one of them had written a pretty complex program. He probably went on to be an MIT professor. I did end up being a computer programmer, for about 15 years before switching to tech writing.

In my late teens and early 20s, I was interested in artsy and humanistic pursuits, so I dreamed of being in theater (technical theater - backstage stuff, set design, etc), and I was also interested in psychology, so I also thought about becoming a therapist. Neither of those panned out, although I continue to have an avocational interest in the latter, at least. For a short while, I thought I might like to be a musician, but I've come to terms quite comfortably with the idea that this will not be a profession for me. I very much enjoy being an amateur (= "lover") musician and would NOT enjoy doing it for money.

I've also outgrown some dreams. Such as my 19-year-old hippie dream of living on a farm with all my friends. I still like the "living with all my friends" part, but am no longer even remotely interested in farming. I have a balcony container garden, which I enjoy a great deal, but that's about as much as I need to be involved in such things!

One dream I remember from that period was being a radio DJ. I'm still intrigued by that, to tell the truth. I would not like to be a DJ on a commercial station, where you play McClearChannel playlists from a computer, and say obnoxious things that make your listeners want to kill someone. But there are still university and indie stations around that might be willing to let a middle-aged newbie volunteer at 3 in the morning. :) You never know!

Excellent subject - I might just continue ruminating on it in my own LJ.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It's true that the position of trailblazer isn't one I'd be happy with. Mostly, I'm pleased that girls ten or twenty or thirty years younger than I have a wider set of choices than I did. I'm a little bummed that space camp didn't exist when I was a kid, but "a little bummed" I can live with. :-)

It seems that you've integrated elements of some dreams into your life, blended with practicality or with a more mature eye to what you wanted most. I think that's wonderful.

Radio DJ, huh? Why the heck not? Sounds good to me!

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

Probably the only thing I dreamed of when I was a kid that I have actually done is have a lot of cats.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Fortunately, having cats is worth a lot.

[layer.livejournal.com]

especially to those of us who wanted that but wound up allergic. good thing i learned to love dogs just as much.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yuck, no fun being allergic! Dogs are wonderful. I'm glad you're not allergic to dogs as well as to cats. I really really want to have a dog some day.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

You mean like I am with meteorology? ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly like, except probably with a move thrown in -- we couldn't run this house on only Rob's income, and given when we bought it not much else in this area is cheaper, so I'd be finding some other area to live. Huge negotiations with Rob there of course. But yes! Ditching the career, ditching the known stable income, throwing oneself into the wind and trusting to the future... yes. Exactly like.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Well, to make a fair comparison, the ditching parts were sort of forced upon me (in a sense - I could have chosen to relocate and continue working for someone I thought was going to be a crappy boss). :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

No fun, that! Besides, the ability to focus more on education can help streamline the process.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

If you specialised in horses you could eventually have a stable income (:

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

You're courageous, intelligent, caring, fun, and have a lot of skills! I know what it's like to have to reinvent yourself due to circumstances beyond your control, and it's not easy. But you're diving into it. And when you figure out what you want to do, you'll be great at it!

Even right now, you're doing something productive, even if it's not your life's dream. I'm not doing anything, and it's very frustrating. I can't do the things I want to do, and I don't have the confidence to plunge into something new without any support.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian, but my traditional 1950s family didn't think that was a good occupation for a girl, and they systematically talked me out of it. My mother's ambition for me had always been to be a teacher. I didn't want to be a teacher, but I was always discouraged from doing anything else, so when I got out of school I just did secretarial work, one of the few other options for women in an era when help-wanted ads were still segregated by sex.

The pinnacle of my life in the context of career was when I had my own aircraft sales/brokering/consulting business. Tom went with me to evaluate airplanes and demonstrate them with our clients (as a CFII he could let the clients sit left seat and do the flying, even if they weren't rated in that airplane yet). And we'd throw in 5 hours of dual if they were transitioning up. But other than that, I did it all -- finding the airplanes, finding the clients, working with our buyers, bargaining with the sellers, setting prices, and all the rest. I loved it, and I was good at it. But I got huge huge doses of self-confidence from Tom until I got to the point where my accomplishments began reinforcing it themselves.

I did have one job after I became disabled that I enjoyed -- working for GEnie, a pre-Web text-based online service. But when they folded I couldn't find another job I could telecommute to, I was too disabled to work a regular job, and I didn't have the self-confidence to start another business. The less I did, the more my self-confidence ebbed, and it's pretty low now. And I don't have any training in any field -- I was an English major.

At your age, and with your skills, with some self-confidence you can do anything you want to! Do you have an employment center like the one we have here (http://www.dllr.state.md.us/poac/), that does employment counseling? That could help you develop some avenues to think about pursuing.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you! It's true that if you discount the feet (and the other chronic pain issue) I have a lot going for me, and I'm very aware of that fact. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm so sorry that you got talked out of being a veterinarian. I *know* there are female veterinarians about your age, but I realize they were much more like trailblazers when they went to school than would be the case today. *sigh*. I wish you had had the support of your family.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realize that the support of one's family is huge -- not just in forming early career aspirations into choices, but in forming a young person's sense of self-confidence and self-worth that will affect a whole lifetime.

We used to have a great career counseling center, but it died around the time of the dot com bust. (This area wasn't too happy for a while there.) I've been to a career counseling person, but she was worse than useless. She did a Myers-Briggs on me, and even though I came out one point away from median on three of the axes, she took my "type" and the fact I work because I need the money and she said "stick to computer programming". Thanks, lady. :-) But I'll come up with something good to do, vocation or avocation. I just don't know what yet.

I could totally see you as a birding group leader or nature walk guide or something like that. Telling kids what this flower is called, telling grownups how to tell the difference between this and that bird... you're very knowledgeable and you have patience and kindness. Would it be too much on your feet, even part time?

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

Over the years, I've wanted to be an artist, an astronaut, an engineer, an inventor, habitat restorer, and an ecologist (applied or scholarly). I still consder myself an artist, though I've not created much recently. Closest I've gotten to being an astronaut was going to the US Space Academy (http://www.spacecamp.com/) in 1989 and working at NASA-Ames Research Park (2003). Engineering & inventing mostly end up tinkering or jury-rigging things when needed. Habitat restoration and ecology is what my degree is in, but I have not managed to find a paying job in it that matches my level of experience. --- So instead, I found myself doing web design, system administration, and network administration because it was what needed to be done. (And at present, I'm thinking web/sysadmin/network admin may still be my most feasbile best paid option for my current skill set. I even had an interview for such recently, but the company back-tracked and decided they were not going to hire anyone right now afterall.)

For me the hangup on the pilot-route for being an astronaut is I'm 1 inch too short, but I think I'm just as glad not to have signed my life away into the military.

You have my sympathy on the useless career counseling person. I've gotten the run around from some of those as well, both when I was in college, and since. For whatever I do I know I have: a good spatial aptitude, a good mechanical aptitude, I'm creative, I have a high reasoning ability, I can be detail oriented, I can manage to see the big picture, I can translate between technical jargon and lay-speak, I'm adaptable, I can learn-on-the-job, I'm good at reasearch and database searches, I have a science (biology etc) /art /econ /geography (gps & gis) background. I figure I can work indoors or out, but I'm developing a preference for working indoors (mostly), and the ability to telecommute would be quite nice. I enjoy engaging my brain and having some level of responsibility, of making a difference, improving systems or proceedures. I like design and restoration. I can draw, write, layout, administer, coordinate, teach. ....and with all that, I'm not quite sure where I fit, but I'd like to find a better, more engaging, better paid fit than where I am now.

As for the nature walk guide idea you mentioned to sunnydale47, I think the amount of use of feet might depend on where one worked. The docent work I did at Elkhorn Slough (http://www.elkhornslough.org/) had a lot of walking & was all volunteer. I enjoyed telling people about the plants and animals and participating in the oak woodland and other native species restoration programs, but volunteer doesn't pay the bills.

[gjo.livejournal.com]

Did you give up on aerobatics in the Pitts? That one
seems achievable.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Good point. That one is definitely still in the running, as is writing. Either takes work and if I commit to it I could at least make good progress.

[busysuzy.livejournal.com]

Well, getting a dog is a Very Good Dream! ; )

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Dogs are great. I'm one of those rare folks who is both a cat person AND a dog person. How's your dog doing these days? You have just one, right?

[busysuzy.livejournal.com]

I am one of those cat/dog people too. I used to have 3 cats and I would love to have cat/cats again but it wouldn't be fair to the felines. You see, I have not one, but 5 dogs (see user icon for the 4 Bostons). The Bostons would LOVE to have kitties! And the Rottweiler would REALLY love to have kitties! So, alas, no kitties for me...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha! :-) I see the problem.

I guess it was the Rottweiler I remembered you talking about. I didn't know the four in the icon were also yours. Yay dogs!

I grew up in a house that always had both cats and dogs. Beagles, yellow Labs, and German Shepherds are perfectly content being buddies with cats -- once the human points out which cats are "theirs", leaving all others as fair game. :-)

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

Great post, though I'm sorry for the frustrations in some of these statements. Figuring out how to reinvent yourself, and what to reinvent yourself as, is really hard. I feel like I lost a sense of what I wanted to do part way through college... and then I just stayed in school because I'd always been good at school and didn't know what else to do (this is not a great reason to get a PhD, though I was actually also somewhat excited about some aspects of it). But yeah, I'm kind of looking for ideas of what to do next, though at this point I'll probably finish my degree first.

How many people actually still want their dreams later in life, and actually follow them? "Follow your dreams" is a common meme, but I know far more people wandering around trying to figure out what they want, or settled into a path that they aren't really all that happy with, than I do people who are really following their dreams.

Other quick thoughts: Writing can be a lot of fun even if you suck. And you'll get better. :) And you could perhaps be a feisty old lady with amazing upper body strength, and/or swimming ability, or something? Not the same as marathons, I know, but maybe...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Figuring out how to reinvent yourself, and what to reinvent yourself as, is really hard.

So true. There are times when I wonder, in a sort of metaphysical sense, whether I "chose" this life so I would get some good mental-personality-introspective challenges. Well, it would make a good story line, anyway. ;-)

I'm kind of looking for ideas of what to do next, though at this point I'll probably finish my degree first.

After all this investment in it, there's a lot to be said for wrapping it up. So how are you going to figure out what you want to do next? That's where I am right now: how am I going to answer the question? Flailing is too slow for impatient me, and the Idea Fairy seems to be off visiting someone else at the moment. :-) Any ideas along these lines would be way cool. I'll post any I come up with.

Writing can be a lot of fun even if you suck.

I need to remind myself of that, yeah. So can aerobatic flying. And I intend to be a feisty old lady either way, so it's just a question of what this feisty old lady will be doing. Flying? Swimming from Alcatraz? Writing shocking ditties? Wearing homemade clothing that makes her look like a duck? SOMEthing, I'm sure!

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

So how are you going to figure out what you want to do next? That's where I am right now: how am I going to answer the question?

I've been wanting to respond to this, because it's such a good question. But I don't actually know how to answer. :-/ I keep wondering this too. I guess I'm going to finish my degree, and I'm going to a lecture series on some industry jobs, and taking some mini-classes this summer -- that might give me a notion what to do afterward, I guess. But I feel like I still only have a few things I'm choosing between -- an industry job doing something like what I'm doing now, an academic job doing something similar (big or small school), or... I don't know. I'm not sure what to do if I really want to reinvent myself. Which I might. I'm not sure! Sigh.

Let me know if you figure it all out. :)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

Don't beat yourself up if you don't have any immediate life-changing dreams - it means your life is at least fulfilling enough that your subconscious hasn't been planning escape strategies. Doesn't mean you're not an interesting person, or that you don't have anything brilliant to offer the future (or vice versa), just that reinvention is something you have to want to do rather than be driven to.