Dreams

[cjsmith]

This must be "midlife crisis".

A LiveJournal friend asked what people's dreams were and how they changed over the years. Here's how I answered "what did I want to be when I grew up":

Astronaut. I "figured out" I couldn't do that because I was a girl; by the time I learned differently it was too late.

Blue Angel pilot. Yeah, still a girl.

Writer. I never really wrote anything, at least anything that didn't suck. I'm not sure what that says about me and my dreams but it probably isn't good.

Much later I decided I'd be one of those feisty old ladies who ran marathons into her seventies. So much for that.

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

(Plus of course the whole standing up thing. Realistically, veterinarian is not for me this lifetime.)

Computer programmer and square dance caller weren't ever really on the list. Person who works from 6:15am to some time around 8:30pm wasn't on the list. (That was yesterday.) Person with cats, yes; that's always been there. I'd like a dog some day, if I find a means of income that involves being home during waking hours.

But that's the interesting question now, isn't it: do I have any dreams? Any that are left, that is. Those I've discarded I've discarded for good reasons, and while that hurts a lot, I'm not going to change it. Do I have new dreams? Have a dog? Okay, that's one. Anything else? Is that the best I can do?

It's time to reinvent myself.

I wish it were a faster process.

Comments

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

Great post, though I'm sorry for the frustrations in some of these statements. Figuring out how to reinvent yourself, and what to reinvent yourself as, is really hard. I feel like I lost a sense of what I wanted to do part way through college... and then I just stayed in school because I'd always been good at school and didn't know what else to do (this is not a great reason to get a PhD, though I was actually also somewhat excited about some aspects of it). But yeah, I'm kind of looking for ideas of what to do next, though at this point I'll probably finish my degree first.

How many people actually still want their dreams later in life, and actually follow them? "Follow your dreams" is a common meme, but I know far more people wandering around trying to figure out what they want, or settled into a path that they aren't really all that happy with, than I do people who are really following their dreams.

Other quick thoughts: Writing can be a lot of fun even if you suck. And you'll get better. :) And you could perhaps be a feisty old lady with amazing upper body strength, and/or swimming ability, or something? Not the same as marathons, I know, but maybe...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Figuring out how to reinvent yourself, and what to reinvent yourself as, is really hard.

So true. There are times when I wonder, in a sort of metaphysical sense, whether I "chose" this life so I would get some good mental-personality-introspective challenges. Well, it would make a good story line, anyway. ;-)

I'm kind of looking for ideas of what to do next, though at this point I'll probably finish my degree first.

After all this investment in it, there's a lot to be said for wrapping it up. So how are you going to figure out what you want to do next? That's where I am right now: how am I going to answer the question? Flailing is too slow for impatient me, and the Idea Fairy seems to be off visiting someone else at the moment. :-) Any ideas along these lines would be way cool. I'll post any I come up with.

Writing can be a lot of fun even if you suck.

I need to remind myself of that, yeah. So can aerobatic flying. And I intend to be a feisty old lady either way, so it's just a question of what this feisty old lady will be doing. Flying? Swimming from Alcatraz? Writing shocking ditties? Wearing homemade clothing that makes her look like a duck? SOMEthing, I'm sure!

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

So how are you going to figure out what you want to do next? That's where I am right now: how am I going to answer the question?

I've been wanting to respond to this, because it's such a good question. But I don't actually know how to answer. :-/ I keep wondering this too. I guess I'm going to finish my degree, and I'm going to a lecture series on some industry jobs, and taking some mini-classes this summer -- that might give me a notion what to do afterward, I guess. But I feel like I still only have a few things I'm choosing between -- an industry job doing something like what I'm doing now, an academic job doing something similar (big or small school), or... I don't know. I'm not sure what to do if I really want to reinvent myself. Which I might. I'm not sure! Sigh.

Let me know if you figure it all out. :)