Dreams

[cjsmith]

This must be "midlife crisis".

A LiveJournal friend asked what people's dreams were and how they changed over the years. Here's how I answered "what did I want to be when I grew up":

Astronaut. I "figured out" I couldn't do that because I was a girl; by the time I learned differently it was too late.

Blue Angel pilot. Yeah, still a girl.

Writer. I never really wrote anything, at least anything that didn't suck. I'm not sure what that says about me and my dreams but it probably isn't good.

Much later I decided I'd be one of those feisty old ladies who ran marathons into her seventies. So much for that.

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

(Plus of course the whole standing up thing. Realistically, veterinarian is not for me this lifetime.)

Computer programmer and square dance caller weren't ever really on the list. Person who works from 6:15am to some time around 8:30pm wasn't on the list. (That was yesterday.) Person with cats, yes; that's always been there. I'd like a dog some day, if I find a means of income that involves being home during waking hours.

But that's the interesting question now, isn't it: do I have any dreams? Any that are left, that is. Those I've discarded I've discarded for good reasons, and while that hurts a lot, I'm not going to change it. Do I have new dreams? Have a dog? Okay, that's one. Anything else? Is that the best I can do?

It's time to reinvent myself.

I wish it were a faster process.

Comments

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I think it's absolutely wonderful that you ask yourself these questions. I can see from your writings and our conversations that the foot problem is a life-changing problem that is tough to understand if you aren't in the position yourself, as you are. I try to imagine how I would deal with it and every time I think I understand it on the same level as you do, I see something you write or hear something you say and realize that I don't.

You ask yourself these questions, you consider how to change your life to balance the needs of your body with the needs of your self. You're pretty fabulous.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! What a great compliment!

The foot thing is tough for me to understand too, and I am in the position myself. :-) Maybe in another five or ten years I'll have a handle on it!

For now, though, what I want most is to replace the Oh Em Gee Poor Me I Can't Do These Eleventymillion Things with something fun and new and challenging and exciting and wonderful. I don't know what that is yet, but I'll find it.