Dreams

[cjsmith]

This must be "midlife crisis".

A LiveJournal friend asked what people's dreams were and how they changed over the years. Here's how I answered "what did I want to be when I grew up":

Astronaut. I "figured out" I couldn't do that because I was a girl; by the time I learned differently it was too late.

Blue Angel pilot. Yeah, still a girl.

Writer. I never really wrote anything, at least anything that didn't suck. I'm not sure what that says about me and my dreams but it probably isn't good.

Much later I decided I'd be one of those feisty old ladies who ran marathons into her seventies. So much for that.

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

(Plus of course the whole standing up thing. Realistically, veterinarian is not for me this lifetime.)

Computer programmer and square dance caller weren't ever really on the list. Person who works from 6:15am to some time around 8:30pm wasn't on the list. (That was yesterday.) Person with cats, yes; that's always been there. I'd like a dog some day, if I find a means of income that involves being home during waking hours.

But that's the interesting question now, isn't it: do I have any dreams? Any that are left, that is. Those I've discarded I've discarded for good reasons, and while that hurts a lot, I'm not going to change it. Do I have new dreams? Have a dog? Okay, that's one. Anything else? Is that the best I can do?

It's time to reinvent myself.

I wish it were a faster process.

Comments

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

What an interesting post! It is sad that certain ambitions were denied to most girls (except maybe to the exceptionally talented or most aggressive who ended up being trailblazers). Does it make you feel better to know that today's girls could have those aspirations? Or does it make you angry to know that you missed that chance while others are able to have it? (I think both reactions would be normal, but I hope for your sake that you are able to feel OK about it.)

My sister was very talented at sports when she was younger, and when she was in high school, was a star goalie on the girls' ice hockey team. Even that marked some significant change - she's only 3 years younger than I am, and there was no ice hockey for girls when I was in high school. (Not that this matters to me - I was so absolutely NOT talented at sports. :))

As a child, I wanted to be either a scientist or a writer. Well, I'm now a technical writer, so I guess that's pretty close to those goals. (OK, so I wanted to work in a laboratory or publish stories and novels, but hey, I have to make a living here!)

In high school, I was great at math, but I never wanted to be a mathematician. I had no interest in computers then, either - I graduated high school in 1972, and we really didn't have much access to computers. There were one or two geeks who played around with the mainframe computer that our school (along with several others) had access to, and I remember one of them had written a pretty complex program. He probably went on to be an MIT professor. I did end up being a computer programmer, for about 15 years before switching to tech writing.

In my late teens and early 20s, I was interested in artsy and humanistic pursuits, so I dreamed of being in theater (technical theater - backstage stuff, set design, etc), and I was also interested in psychology, so I also thought about becoming a therapist. Neither of those panned out, although I continue to have an avocational interest in the latter, at least. For a short while, I thought I might like to be a musician, but I've come to terms quite comfortably with the idea that this will not be a profession for me. I very much enjoy being an amateur (= "lover") musician and would NOT enjoy doing it for money.

I've also outgrown some dreams. Such as my 19-year-old hippie dream of living on a farm with all my friends. I still like the "living with all my friends" part, but am no longer even remotely interested in farming. I have a balcony container garden, which I enjoy a great deal, but that's about as much as I need to be involved in such things!

One dream I remember from that period was being a radio DJ. I'm still intrigued by that, to tell the truth. I would not like to be a DJ on a commercial station, where you play McClearChannel playlists from a computer, and say obnoxious things that make your listeners want to kill someone. But there are still university and indie stations around that might be willing to let a middle-aged newbie volunteer at 3 in the morning. :) You never know!

Excellent subject - I might just continue ruminating on it in my own LJ.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It's true that the position of trailblazer isn't one I'd be happy with. Mostly, I'm pleased that girls ten or twenty or thirty years younger than I have a wider set of choices than I did. I'm a little bummed that space camp didn't exist when I was a kid, but "a little bummed" I can live with. :-)

It seems that you've integrated elements of some dreams into your life, blended with practicality or with a more mature eye to what you wanted most. I think that's wonderful.

Radio DJ, huh? Why the heck not? Sounds good to me!