Dreams

[cjsmith]

This must be "midlife crisis".

A LiveJournal friend asked what people's dreams were and how they changed over the years. Here's how I answered "what did I want to be when I grew up":

Astronaut. I "figured out" I couldn't do that because I was a girl; by the time I learned differently it was too late.

Blue Angel pilot. Yeah, still a girl.

Writer. I never really wrote anything, at least anything that didn't suck. I'm not sure what that says about me and my dreams but it probably isn't good.

Much later I decided I'd be one of those feisty old ladies who ran marathons into her seventies. So much for that.

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

(Plus of course the whole standing up thing. Realistically, veterinarian is not for me this lifetime.)

Computer programmer and square dance caller weren't ever really on the list. Person who works from 6:15am to some time around 8:30pm wasn't on the list. (That was yesterday.) Person with cats, yes; that's always been there. I'd like a dog some day, if I find a means of income that involves being home during waking hours.

But that's the interesting question now, isn't it: do I have any dreams? Any that are left, that is. Those I've discarded I've discarded for good reasons, and while that hurts a lot, I'm not going to change it. Do I have new dreams? Have a dog? Okay, that's one. Anything else? Is that the best I can do?

It's time to reinvent myself.

I wish it were a faster process.

Comments

[layer.livejournal.com]

I too want to win the lottery, not because I want to be rich, but because I want to be not trapped.

that's exactly it. i'm so trying to figure out the smaller steps, but it's tough to think out of the box when you spend your days in cubes. especially when you're sick and exhausted all the time. :(

i could probably sell my house and buy a piece of land for significantly less tomorrow, but a) i love my house and am not quite ready to give it up yet, and b) moving to the middle of nowhere away from my friends and family... if i think i'm alone now...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

True, it's very difficult to do much when you're sick and exhausted all the time.

So that plot of land has a significant cost associated with it: you'd have to move. Would it ever be worth that, to you? (I ask myself this too. What would be, for me, worth moving? Easier question in my case, as I don't have roots here.)

[layer.livejournal.com]

yes, i'd have to move. what would make it worth it is contingent on how far. if it's sonoma county, it wouldn't take much. if it's somewhere in the middle, pretty much nothing. unless i could convince people to come with me. but either way, i don't think i could/would do it by myself. so that brings me back to either number one on my list or convincing my friends to do it with me.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

The place next to mine (in western Calaveras County) is for sale. :-)

[layer.livejournal.com]

how big, how much, what city?

pipe dream at this point but those count as dreams too.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Google maps link to 50 Stone Corral Court, Linden CA 95236. (That's a mailing address -- it's unincorporated Calaveras County, with Wallace as the nearest "town", and we vote and get fire services from Jenny Lind.)

http://tinyurl.com/29o7jf

I think it's 10 acres? You can use the following link to get at a parcel map:
http://www.co.calaveras.ca.us/prop/PropertyIntro.aspx

I have wasted too much time trying to find the actual listing (can't remember the name of the realty co), so won't venture a guess at the asking price, but it's been on the market at least 6 months... either they're not serious or they're asking way too much. There's a bunch of stuff available out my way, though, from raw land on up.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's a small river in there, isn't it? And there might be room for a dirt airstrip. Hmmmmm. :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Indian Creek, technically. The place to have bought for a dirt airstrip has just had an orchard put on half, and a house on the other half. It's the next thing north, between these people and Hwy 26.

Of course, we're not terribly far from KCPU either. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw darn. One of my maybe-somedays is living on my own land with a little airstrip.

O'course, heading back to the theme of this entry, you'd think these feet of mine might have taught me a lesson about waiting around to go after my maybe-somedays.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Well, except that even that funky long arm on the side that looks like it's probably farthest from you -- even that might be a bit too close to horses for an airplane to go. Oh well, it was an idea. :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I should add that I greatly prefer the commute from here to the south bay, than from the north bay to anywhere south of the golden gate bridge. :) You can make Sunnyvale in 1.5 hours if there's no traffic, and if you're commuting in traffic, give it up and take the train (30m to Stockton, and then you can nap or work).

[layer.livejournal.com]

oooo...interesting. definitely food for thought.

thanks!