Dreams

[cjsmith]

This must be "midlife crisis".

A LiveJournal friend asked what people's dreams were and how they changed over the years. Here's how I answered "what did I want to be when I grew up":

Astronaut. I "figured out" I couldn't do that because I was a girl; by the time I learned differently it was too late.

Blue Angel pilot. Yeah, still a girl.

Writer. I never really wrote anything, at least anything that didn't suck. I'm not sure what that says about me and my dreams but it probably isn't good.

Much later I decided I'd be one of those feisty old ladies who ran marathons into her seventies. So much for that.

Now I'd kind of like to be a veterinarian, but I'm not sure I want it enough to raze my life to the ground and start over.

(Plus of course the whole standing up thing. Realistically, veterinarian is not for me this lifetime.)

Computer programmer and square dance caller weren't ever really on the list. Person who works from 6:15am to some time around 8:30pm wasn't on the list. (That was yesterday.) Person with cats, yes; that's always been there. I'd like a dog some day, if I find a means of income that involves being home during waking hours.

But that's the interesting question now, isn't it: do I have any dreams? Any that are left, that is. Those I've discarded I've discarded for good reasons, and while that hurts a lot, I'm not going to change it. Do I have new dreams? Have a dog? Okay, that's one. Anything else? Is that the best I can do?

It's time to reinvent myself.

I wish it were a faster process.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Mmm: a different, but no less poignant, challenge. What are your dreams? The horticulture one I remember. Are there others?

[layer.livejournal.com]

number one that my internal feminist makes it hard for me to admit is the ever-present "find someone to share this whole mess with" thing. i hate like hell that what i want most is not having to do all this alone (i know, not totally alone, but you know what i mean). it feels weak. no matter how many times i've learned that it often takes a stronger person to ask for help or company than to do it alone. this dream may even include the whole having a family thing if i can sort it out before it gets too late. shocking. but i take it as a huge sign of progress and maturity that i can finally admit that.

number two is more amorphous. i want a simpler, more carefree life. i am tired of spending my days trapped in a variety of small boxes (cars, cubes, conference rooms). i am tired of being stressed out all the time over things of no great consequence in the grander scheme of life. i am tired of being sick one week out of every four. i want the space and freedom and peace to reinvigorate my health and my creativity. to start writing again and painting and quilting and all those things i used to do before i let this mad virus "workaholism" take over my life again.

number three, i want my piece of land. you know the one where i can indulge my survivalist dreams, build myself an earthship, and do some of the stuff i listed above in peace. (i have not ruled out the whole "live with my friends on a farm idea" at all, so if you find yourself leaning in that direction let me know.)

number four, is the landscaping thing. i love bringing horticultural beauty and joy to others almost as much as i love doing it for myself. okay, maybe more, it's just that others can be a lot harder to please.

number five, i want to write about it. all of it. because as with landscaping, the only thing better than the stories, is sharing them. making other people's lives better or more enjoyable, or more connected, or whatever, even if it's just for the time they spend reading my words.

which brings me to number six. i want to win the lottery to make numbers 2-5 a reality. okay, that one probably falls more under "pipe dream" than dream, but hey, it was worth a shot.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not anti-feminist to prefer the company of another to being alone. Having power of your own doesn't mean isolating yourself. But I totally get why it's hard to admit you want a partner or a family. We're surrounded by messages saying "wanting those things means you're brainwashed". Maybe one day the pendulum will calm down and a girl will be able to choose either or both, career or family or both, and choose it freely.

I, too, want 2. That is huge. Boy do I hear you on that one. Yes yes yes.

I think I knew about three through five if I had thought a little.

So the whole lottery thing... that's the toughie! *sigh* I wonder if there are smaller steps in the right direction... move to a less fiendishly expensive area first, then to an area with land? That kind of thing? I don't know. I too want to win the lottery, not because I want to be rich, but because I want to be not trapped. There have to be smaller steps we can take.

[layer.livejournal.com]

I too want to win the lottery, not because I want to be rich, but because I want to be not trapped.

that's exactly it. i'm so trying to figure out the smaller steps, but it's tough to think out of the box when you spend your days in cubes. especially when you're sick and exhausted all the time. :(

i could probably sell my house and buy a piece of land for significantly less tomorrow, but a) i love my house and am not quite ready to give it up yet, and b) moving to the middle of nowhere away from my friends and family... if i think i'm alone now...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

True, it's very difficult to do much when you're sick and exhausted all the time.

So that plot of land has a significant cost associated with it: you'd have to move. Would it ever be worth that, to you? (I ask myself this too. What would be, for me, worth moving? Easier question in my case, as I don't have roots here.)

[layer.livejournal.com]

yes, i'd have to move. what would make it worth it is contingent on how far. if it's sonoma county, it wouldn't take much. if it's somewhere in the middle, pretty much nothing. unless i could convince people to come with me. but either way, i don't think i could/would do it by myself. so that brings me back to either number one on my list or convincing my friends to do it with me.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

The place next to mine (in western Calaveras County) is for sale. :-)

[layer.livejournal.com]

how big, how much, what city?

pipe dream at this point but those count as dreams too.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Google maps link to 50 Stone Corral Court, Linden CA 95236. (That's a mailing address -- it's unincorporated Calaveras County, with Wallace as the nearest "town", and we vote and get fire services from Jenny Lind.)

http://tinyurl.com/29o7jf

I think it's 10 acres? You can use the following link to get at a parcel map:
http://www.co.calaveras.ca.us/prop/PropertyIntro.aspx

I have wasted too much time trying to find the actual listing (can't remember the name of the realty co), so won't venture a guess at the asking price, but it's been on the market at least 6 months... either they're not serious or they're asking way too much. There's a bunch of stuff available out my way, though, from raw land on up.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's a small river in there, isn't it? And there might be room for a dirt airstrip. Hmmmmm. :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Indian Creek, technically. The place to have bought for a dirt airstrip has just had an orchard put on half, and a house on the other half. It's the next thing north, between these people and Hwy 26.

Of course, we're not terribly far from KCPU either. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw darn. One of my maybe-somedays is living on my own land with a little airstrip.

O'course, heading back to the theme of this entry, you'd think these feet of mine might have taught me a lesson about waiting around to go after my maybe-somedays.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Well, except that even that funky long arm on the side that looks like it's probably farthest from you -- even that might be a bit too close to horses for an airplane to go. Oh well, it was an idea. :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I should add that I greatly prefer the commute from here to the south bay, than from the north bay to anywhere south of the golden gate bridge. :) You can make Sunnyvale in 1.5 hours if there's no traffic, and if you're commuting in traffic, give it up and take the train (30m to Stockton, and then you can nap or work).

[layer.livejournal.com]

oooo...interesting. definitely food for thought.

thanks!