In-person friends

[cjsmith]

There's no one *physically* close to me who is also *emotionally* close to me. (Except for Rob, obviously.) My previous entry reminds me of this, because giving up square dancing is giving up the majority of my non-work social contact. But this is something I've been puzzling over for months now.

Some of my most caring friends are thousands of miles away. Just as an example, when I had surgery I was overwhelmed by the support I got -- cards, gifts, visits -- from people physically far away. Local people? Made LJ comments. :-) The Thursday night square dance group I call for once a month, to which I showed up still bandaged heavily and leaning on a walker? Had me sign a get well card for someone else! If I needed a demonstration of just how invisible I am in person, that group couldn't have planned it better.

Why is this? What is it that I'm doing?

Maybe I smell bad in person. Maybe my unwillingness to drive long distances during rush hour for social gatherings where I don't know people well is really holding me back. Maybe I don't reach out to others or plan far enough ahead. Maybe I'm just really freakin' shy (and I think there's some truth in that one). Maybe the set of people I am drawn to and the set of people who are drawn to me simply don't have a very big intersection!

I do have some people I would quickly name as friends, who are local to me, but it's interesting to note I don't see them very often -- once every couple of weeks is the *highest* frequency and that happens only when they're not very busy.

What am I doing that leads me to craft this strange unbalance in my social life?

Comments

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I'd be glad to hang out more, and we sure would love to see you at Wine and Song. So many people were happy to meet you at Gaming!

W&S tends to run late - so if you wanted to drive over after rush hour, beginning around 8pm and arriving at 9pm, you'd get to be there for most of the party. And we always have crash space, if you don't want to do the drive twice in the same night.

[gdmusumeci.livejournal.com]

That's a good question, but if you'd like to come over for dinner, aiglet and I would be happy to have you. :-)

(We often feel quite disconnected from the social goings-on in the greater Bay Area, perhaps for reasons similar to yours. I'll have to muse on that a little bit.)

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a great idea! We don't often make it ourselves, but it would provide extra incentive!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I'd given up on separating local friend from non-local friend, and at the same time, the latter group seems to have all but dried up. I'm not doing much of anything social locally anymore, yet I have people hundreds and thousands of miles away I feel close to. I think in my case, some of my local friends have actually gotten a lot more conservative in the ways that I've gotten more liberal as we've aged, and we've just drifted apart.

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

I identify a bit with your complaint. I'm far more shy and reserved in person than online, and people have told me that I can seem aloof. I suspect you give off I-don't-need-anything vibes, and other than the people you see regularly when you're both committed to a joint project, locals don't feel permitted to get closer to you because you don't appear to encourage it.

I have only seen you in person a handful of times, but I don't recall a bad smell. :-)

[layer.livejournal.com]

i'm totally the same way. if it weren't for LJ and email i'd never interact with anyone i didn't share office space with.

[dieppe.livejournal.com]

It is true that long-distance friends aren't as aware of any unwillingness to drive long distances (which is relative) during rush hour (who does want to) could increase your number of long distance friends vs. local friends.. or other things, since close people figure the hassles of having you close by and long distance friends don't.

Not that I'm saying this is the case, because I'm a long distance friend too, of course... but as you say, by analogy, maybe you do smell bad in person, but long distance people don't care. I don't know. I've always wondered this about myself personally too. I'm fine with people far away, and sucky with people who live near by. In a sentence... I've no idea... :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I bet my reluctance to drive a lot (particularly after work) really is holding me back. There are so many people who are about an hour away from me -- and only a few nearby, all of them insanely busy.

Coming late to W&S makes sense if we take Rob out of the equation. If Rob were to come along, we'd want to be back home by 11 or so, as his workload is highest on Saturday and Sunday. That'd mean leaving home at 8 and arriving back at 11 for one hour of social time -- not a great balance. Yet if Rob *doesn't* come along, I'm bailing on him for a whole evening, also for (likely) an hour or maybe two of social time.

It seems the distance really matters. But maybe I'm missing something, or could reframe it somehow. I do think this is a big factor -- lots of people I "know" live in the East Bay, and not the south end of it either.

[lesliepear.livejournal.com]

Same problem here.

Not counting Mark's childhood friend upstairs, our closest friends are at least 15-20 minutes away. (Ok, we do know a few people in the condo complex, but Marks been here 12 years and it has a pool.) Not we don't see our friends a lot or talk to them via e-mail and phone - but it would be nice to find local friends especially with children. Unfortunately we haven't signed Alan up for anything that lets us meet other people - first in/last out at daycare usually.

Are there any flight clubs you can join? Maybe you'd fit in with a bunch of airplane people.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I've gone through this same mental process. I moved out here to Kansas City 4 years ago, and I still don't have any real friends here. I might go to a bar after work once in awhile, but nobody I really make plans with. Oddly, I can think of four people off the top of my head that I know from LJ and mentally consider people I would be willing to hang out with who actually live in Kansas City. I've just never done it. :) So I think laziness is a large part of it, or possibly fear of real life not measuring up to the way I/they seem online.

For whatever it's worth, I think you are a cool person. If I ever got out to... um, there... I would definitely be interested in having lunch or something with you. You seem interesting. Beyond that, I don't know and I of course can't comment on how much you smell. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Wow, I had no idea you were local to the Bay Area. Are you N, E, S, SF, Peninsula...?

And thank you very much! I'm not sure what to say to a dinner invitation from someone I've never met! (See, is this me pushing people away? Maybe I do that. Maybe a lot.)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen you in a long time, and would love to see you at W & Song if you could make it.

A general shout-out: If you are interested in getting together for lunch sometime, I'm not far away.

[gdmusumeci.livejournal.com]

aiglet and I are in north Berkeley, about three blocks from Kensington.

I'm sure hopeforyou et al can vouch for my general sanity, but I can understand the oddness of the random dinner invitation. We've both been trying to be more social of late. :)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I'm also pretty sure you could find someone to carpool with to W & Song, and people head back to South Bay, too. I'd be happy to give you a ride there if I'm headed that way.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

He jumps out of airplanes high up in the sky. He's TOTALLY FREAKING NUTS!


But he's a good person. And a great cook. So I'd take him up on his offer sometime... that, and if you like Limoncello... I think I left some in the bottle.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, maybe face-to-face time is overrated and I can be okay with a not-very-strong local social life. I also agree that politics rears its ugly head. I do not always tread the local bay area party line, and that line is defended with such vitriol that it's easier to shut up and stay in the closet home.

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

Umm, you work in tech in an area where everyone you know works in tech and has no social life? :-) (Hey, when is Mythbusters going to do a show on this myth?)

aelfie and I would certainly be glad to see you, though we find it challenging to travel about for a different reason. If you would like to visit us, or us to visit you, I am certain something can be worked out. It is only fair to warn that three kids do not lead to a quiet experience.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

YAYAYAYAY SOMEONE WHO "GETS IT" WHEN I SAY "CLOSE"! You didn't say an hour's drive was close! THANK YOU!

OK, *deep breath* yeah, I hear ya. Interesting how Alan could be, but doesn't happen to be, a link to other people. It sure would be nice to have people who could just hang out at a moment's notice...

Yes, flying clubs are a good idea! Thanks!

[sharya.livejournal.com]

Interestingly enough, my closest friends have NEVER been the people that I tended to hang out with on a regular basis. The people I considered my closest friends were people I ended up talking on the phone constantly with, but we rarely did anything together due to conflicting, or heavy schedules.

Even to this day, the people I socialize with are fun for socializing, but I don't consider them close at all. The ones who are the closest to me emotionally, I rarely get to spend time with them, and we can go months or even years without seeing each other... either because they live out of town, or it just doesn't work out that we can meet up.

Do you really feel that your social life is unbalanced, or perhaps you're just trying to make it so that the people you hang out with are the ones you care the most about?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I *knew* there was someone else who worked near here! That's it! I had forgotten that you're very close by.

You wouldn't happen to be hungry right now, would you? My lunch fell through. I know it's a bit late and you've probably eaten. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I've never heard of Kensington. OK, tally up another person I know who's an hour away from me. :-) Rob and I have been trying to be more social of late as well, so how 'bout I reciprocate that random dinner invitation (with the understanding that I'll bring in premade food from somewhere -- I wouldn't subject anyone to my cooking!) :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha! Well, I make airplanes go upside down, so maybe we're somewhat-compatibly nuts. :-)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I think if you talked to my best friend/adopted sister sebab, you would have a lot in common in this situation. All her close relationships have been with people who are physically distant, and it's a good thing that jodawi came along -- now she has more support, and someone she can relate to who's right there (especially post-transplant).

Have you thought about inviting people from distant places to come out and visit, and stay a few days? Would that satisfy the need for social contact and emotional connection?

Sometimes all it takes is the risk of putting yourself out there, and seeing what comes back.

I don't think you smell bad. I don't remember how you smell, exactly, but I would remember someone smelling bad. I remember a charming hostess who had a lovely party with delicious food at her home, and a tub full of lots of people laughing and relaxing.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, perhaps that's what I'm doing -- my penchant for self-reliance could be showing up as aloofness or disinterest.

There are lots of little factors. I do not cook well, so one standard friendship-building step for adults ("Come over for dinner") is awkward. Unlike most folk in the Bay Area I don't think a half-hour drive is short, so I get out less. Stuff like that. I could probably craft solutions to these if I worked at it.

Thank you for the note about smell. That's something I might not know about if it were a problem!

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I've been giving some thought to this sort of issue, too. I blame LJ. No really.

Here's how I use LJ. Too often, I use it as a proxy for getting together with folks. Many of us post intimate details of our lives and have formed friendships that might never have blossomed had it not been for LJ. I get comfortable in that space and I forget to work on spaces that aren't LJ.

For example, let's look at your surgery. I was excited about it and what it might mean for you and then I was crushed on your behalf when it didn't work nearly as well as we'd hoped. But I never said so because well, you're local, and surely I'll be seeing you soon and can say all of these things in person. But no, I didn't see you for many weeks and by that time, the moment had passed.

We know a lot about each other, but I bet we both have a hard time imagining exactly what our faces look like and what our voices sound like. If we'd discussed your surgery in person, you'd have done almost all of the talking just as in LJ, but we'd have had the benefit of body language, facial expressions, and those wordless sounds that people make to acknowledge the other person without interrupting their flow.

Now here's the thing that really gets me. You posted awhile back about wanting occasional dining companions and I did not actively do anything (I made a mental note) even though I would love to dine with you.

With no traffic, you and I live 30-40 minutes away from each other. Mountain View is a great in-between place with lots of restaurants. You even work around there, don't you? Why did I not suggest that we see about meeting for dinner after work now and then? It's even a counter commute from my office in Redwood Shores.

Speaking for myself, LJ causes laziness.

So, um, all that said, wanna meet for dinner? My life is heavily scheduled until the house sells and we move, but I can often make a hole in this self-imposed schedule (as long as the tasks get done, precisely when they get done matters little). This week, I can open this evening (Tue.), Wed., Thu., and Fri. evenings.