In-person friends

[cjsmith]

There's no one *physically* close to me who is also *emotionally* close to me. (Except for Rob, obviously.) My previous entry reminds me of this, because giving up square dancing is giving up the majority of my non-work social contact. But this is something I've been puzzling over for months now.

Some of my most caring friends are thousands of miles away. Just as an example, when I had surgery I was overwhelmed by the support I got -- cards, gifts, visits -- from people physically far away. Local people? Made LJ comments. :-) The Thursday night square dance group I call for once a month, to which I showed up still bandaged heavily and leaning on a walker? Had me sign a get well card for someone else! If I needed a demonstration of just how invisible I am in person, that group couldn't have planned it better.

Why is this? What is it that I'm doing?

Maybe I smell bad in person. Maybe my unwillingness to drive long distances during rush hour for social gatherings where I don't know people well is really holding me back. Maybe I don't reach out to others or plan far enough ahead. Maybe I'm just really freakin' shy (and I think there's some truth in that one). Maybe the set of people I am drawn to and the set of people who are drawn to me simply don't have a very big intersection!

I do have some people I would quickly name as friends, who are local to me, but it's interesting to note I don't see them very often -- once every couple of weeks is the *highest* frequency and that happens only when they're not very busy.

What am I doing that leads me to craft this strange unbalance in my social life?

Comments

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I'd be glad to hang out more, and we sure would love to see you at Wine and Song. So many people were happy to meet you at Gaming!

W&S tends to run late - so if you wanted to drive over after rush hour, beginning around 8pm and arriving at 9pm, you'd get to be there for most of the party. And we always have crash space, if you don't want to do the drive twice in the same night.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a great idea! We don't often make it ourselves, but it would provide extra incentive!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I bet my reluctance to drive a lot (particularly after work) really is holding me back. There are so many people who are about an hour away from me -- and only a few nearby, all of them insanely busy.

Coming late to W&S makes sense if we take Rob out of the equation. If Rob were to come along, we'd want to be back home by 11 or so, as his workload is highest on Saturday and Sunday. That'd mean leaving home at 8 and arriving back at 11 for one hour of social time -- not a great balance. Yet if Rob *doesn't* come along, I'm bailing on him for a whole evening, also for (likely) an hour or maybe two of social time.

It seems the distance really matters. But maybe I'm missing something, or could reframe it somehow. I do think this is a big factor -- lots of people I "know" live in the East Bay, and not the south end of it either.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen you in a long time, and would love to see you at W & Song if you could make it.

A general shout-out: If you are interested in getting together for lunch sometime, I'm not far away.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I *knew* there was someone else who worked near here! That's it! I had forgotten that you're very close by.

You wouldn't happen to be hungry right now, would you? My lunch fell through. I know it's a bit late and you've probably eaten. :-)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

Moffett Field is pretty close, I think.

Yep. I already ate today. However, I'd be up for meeting you after work for a drink (of any kind, including tea or bubble tea -- doesn't have to be a bar =) ) or lunch tomorrow.

Let me know, and then I can plan.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Lunch tomorrow's taken, sadly (regular noon appointment Wednesdays). How about a quick after-work chat this evening? Thursday morning I leave for New England. :-)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

You're on. =) What time do you want to meet?

And how does Global Blends on Castro Street work for you?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Perfect! How's seven? (Negotiable. If way early I'll simply go back to work afterward; if way late I'll just stay at work longer.)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

is 6:30 ok?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Sure! 6:30 at Global Blends. Remind me how far up the street that is, pretty please?

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

http://www.mountainviewca.net/restaurants/globalblends.html

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! *mwah*

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I'm also pretty sure you could find someone to carpool with to W & Song, and people head back to South Bay, too. I'd be happy to give you a ride there if I'm headed that way.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It's the time, more than the sitting in the driver's seat, but thank you! (Do you go to W&S regularly? I'm not sure I know who goes.)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I have been known to go regularly and irregularly. I think I'd like to attend the next one, and don't think I have any conflicts.

Have you been to any W & S, or invited to them by someone already?
If not, and you're interested in going -- I can talk to the hosts, and then consider joining their lj community. We organise rides on there all the time.

I think it would be relatively easy for you to get there with me, but since I live in San Francisco, it's unlikely I'd be giving you a ride home unless I crash with someone in South Bay anyhow. However: I know people who travel from there back to East Palo Alto and Santa Clara on a somewhat regular basis, and I'm sure that they'd be happy to give you a ride back with them. And... if you don't consider EPA to be too far a haul, maybe you could carpool both ways with them. It's something, of course, that one would need to check with them first -- I'm not going to assume that they'd always be able to offer a ride; I just have a hard time seeing them object (especially to someone as lovely as you). =)

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

She's on the invite list.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I don't even go back to things happening in Oakland or Berkeley at night. I drive to work, I drive home, I'm Done. This frustrated Joe immensely. I do like to see him, but driving takes energy that I'd rather use for socializing. If I drive somewhere an hour away, stay for an hour, then drive home, I've used three hours of energy for an hour of socialization. (It's about gas-energy a little, but more, it's about energy, spoons, stamina, oomph.)

Driving for an hour, socializing for five, and driving for an hour? That's seven hours in a row, which I simply can't guarantee having.

Anyway: So I get it.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

If I drive somewhere an hour away, stay for an hour, then drive home, I've used three hours of energy for an hour of socialization. (It's about gas-energy a little, but more, it's about energy, spoons, stamina, oomph.)

Amen.

When I say I need local friends, "local" means south bay. Sadly.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

BTW, our gatherings tend to run from 7:30pm to 1am (give or take an hour) - so arriving at 9pm would still leave you with as many as 5 hours of social time, assumng that you were awake enough to drive at 1am.

And even if you couldn't stay up that late... as noted, you (plural or singular) would be welcome to sleep over and thus stay later, and we could set an alarm if Rob stayed over and needed to wake early for work.

I think it might be worth it for you to occasionally come even if it *was* a couple hours driving for just a couple hours social time... 'cause it would help you to feel more connected to the local social scene.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think it might be worth it for you to occasionally come even if it *was* a couple hours driving for just a couple hours social time... 'cause it would help you to feel more connected to the local social scene.

I think this is RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I probably won't ever be a regular attendee, but I can come sometimes. The tradeoff is slightly different for coming a few times versus coming all the time. I want to get to know people face-to-face more; this is one way to do that.