In-person friends

[cjsmith]

There's no one *physically* close to me who is also *emotionally* close to me. (Except for Rob, obviously.) My previous entry reminds me of this, because giving up square dancing is giving up the majority of my non-work social contact. But this is something I've been puzzling over for months now.

Some of my most caring friends are thousands of miles away. Just as an example, when I had surgery I was overwhelmed by the support I got -- cards, gifts, visits -- from people physically far away. Local people? Made LJ comments. :-) The Thursday night square dance group I call for once a month, to which I showed up still bandaged heavily and leaning on a walker? Had me sign a get well card for someone else! If I needed a demonstration of just how invisible I am in person, that group couldn't have planned it better.

Why is this? What is it that I'm doing?

Maybe I smell bad in person. Maybe my unwillingness to drive long distances during rush hour for social gatherings where I don't know people well is really holding me back. Maybe I don't reach out to others or plan far enough ahead. Maybe I'm just really freakin' shy (and I think there's some truth in that one). Maybe the set of people I am drawn to and the set of people who are drawn to me simply don't have a very big intersection!

I do have some people I would quickly name as friends, who are local to me, but it's interesting to note I don't see them very often -- once every couple of weeks is the *highest* frequency and that happens only when they're not very busy.

What am I doing that leads me to craft this strange unbalance in my social life?

Comments

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I've been giving some thought to this sort of issue, too. I blame LJ. No really.

Here's how I use LJ. Too often, I use it as a proxy for getting together with folks. Many of us post intimate details of our lives and have formed friendships that might never have blossomed had it not been for LJ. I get comfortable in that space and I forget to work on spaces that aren't LJ.

For example, let's look at your surgery. I was excited about it and what it might mean for you and then I was crushed on your behalf when it didn't work nearly as well as we'd hoped. But I never said so because well, you're local, and surely I'll be seeing you soon and can say all of these things in person. But no, I didn't see you for many weeks and by that time, the moment had passed.

We know a lot about each other, but I bet we both have a hard time imagining exactly what our faces look like and what our voices sound like. If we'd discussed your surgery in person, you'd have done almost all of the talking just as in LJ, but we'd have had the benefit of body language, facial expressions, and those wordless sounds that people make to acknowledge the other person without interrupting their flow.

Now here's the thing that really gets me. You posted awhile back about wanting occasional dining companions and I did not actively do anything (I made a mental note) even though I would love to dine with you.

With no traffic, you and I live 30-40 minutes away from each other. Mountain View is a great in-between place with lots of restaurants. You even work around there, don't you? Why did I not suggest that we see about meeting for dinner after work now and then? It's even a counter commute from my office in Redwood Shores.

Speaking for myself, LJ causes laziness.

So, um, all that said, wanna meet for dinner? My life is heavily scheduled until the house sells and we move, but I can often make a hole in this self-imposed schedule (as long as the tasks get done, precisely when they get done matters little). This week, I can open this evening (Tue.), Wed., Thu., and Fri. evenings.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely right that LJ can make us lazy. It provides *some* connection at little effort, thus allowing us to remain unmotivated for potentially higher-value connection requiring significantly more effort. This is certainly happening to me. I'm not making the effort outside LJ.

Yesyesyesyes dinner! I too would love to dine with you. You alone, you and palecur, either way, it's all good.

I just booked something this evening, and sadly I'd better decline the other evenings this week due to an early-Thursday-morning departure for New England. How is next week? So far I have every evening (except Sunday) next week free.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

Next week looks fine. Tuesday evening is clear for me, but not for palecur. The rest of the week, we have to accomplish house stuff, but we can move stuff around to free an evening.

How about Wed., Oct. 26? We'll meet at your office and decide from there which restaurant we're in the modd for.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Awesome! You're on! And we're fortunate that there's a wide variety of restaurantness available, so nearly any culinary whim can be gratified. :-)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

http://www.bizjournals.com/sanjose/stories/1996/07/01/smallb1.html

:)