In-person friends

[cjsmith]

There's no one *physically* close to me who is also *emotionally* close to me. (Except for Rob, obviously.) My previous entry reminds me of this, because giving up square dancing is giving up the majority of my non-work social contact. But this is something I've been puzzling over for months now.

Some of my most caring friends are thousands of miles away. Just as an example, when I had surgery I was overwhelmed by the support I got -- cards, gifts, visits -- from people physically far away. Local people? Made LJ comments. :-) The Thursday night square dance group I call for once a month, to which I showed up still bandaged heavily and leaning on a walker? Had me sign a get well card for someone else! If I needed a demonstration of just how invisible I am in person, that group couldn't have planned it better.

Why is this? What is it that I'm doing?

Maybe I smell bad in person. Maybe my unwillingness to drive long distances during rush hour for social gatherings where I don't know people well is really holding me back. Maybe I don't reach out to others or plan far enough ahead. Maybe I'm just really freakin' shy (and I think there's some truth in that one). Maybe the set of people I am drawn to and the set of people who are drawn to me simply don't have a very big intersection!

I do have some people I would quickly name as friends, who are local to me, but it's interesting to note I don't see them very often -- once every couple of weeks is the *highest* frequency and that happens only when they're not very busy.

What am I doing that leads me to craft this strange unbalance in my social life?

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, perhaps that's what I'm doing -- my penchant for self-reliance could be showing up as aloofness or disinterest.

There are lots of little factors. I do not cook well, so one standard friendship-building step for adults ("Come over for dinner") is awkward. Unlike most folk in the Bay Area I don't think a half-hour drive is short, so I get out less. Stuff like that. I could probably craft solutions to these if I worked at it.

Thank you for the note about smell. That's something I might not know about if it were a problem!

[ambar.livejournal.com]

If you give me the run of your kitchen, I will cook for you. Part of the fun is often the discussion of ingredients beforehand -- can we perch you on a riding cart at Whole Foods? :-)

(No, you don't smell bad.)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You SOOOOOOOO tempt me!! I would have a grand time with that. I may be missing major kitchen objects, but I am not averse to obtaining 'em if I know what I'm looking for.

If Whole Foods permits it I'd enjoy the silliness of riding around and picking stuff out!

(thanks.)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

If you have a colander and a reasonably sized pasta pot, we can do pasta with homemade sauce (sausage and red bell peppers? tomato and sweet onion?) that will bring tears of joy to your eyes. (Especially if I can drag along elflet, but it can be just us, too.)

I think the only changes elflet made to my kitchen, back in the beginning, were to get an actual chef's knife, and a pepper grinder. Other than that, we worked with it. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I do have those! I even have a smaller pot to put sauce in, and a skillet. (Either of those sauces sound SCRUMPTIOUS.)

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

I'm not thrilled about driving a long way either, and I've given up thinking you can really have much of a relationship with people beyond about 20 minutes away. Actually most of my social life these days is through excessor, who *does* like to drive and encourages me to get out more than I naturally would. And being willing to trade cooking does help; I'm getting better at it. But that shouldn't stop you, since you can invite people over for snacks/drinks/assembly and then troop off to a nearby restaurant, or order up takeout.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

20 minutes is a good boundary line, I think. Shorter transit times than that allow for more spontaneity and more frequent short visits; longer times than that mean a flurry of scheduling e-mail and I eventually wind up seeing the person a couple times a year.

invite people over for snacks/drinks/assembly and then troop off to a nearby restaurant, or order up takeout

Yes, I like that idea! And learning to make good snacks seems easier somehow than learning to make good main dishes, so it'd be a useful beginning step.