I am a fashion MAVEN

[cjsmith]

wordweaverlynn posted her style rules, which I thought were nifty and keen, and (since she asked her readers) I was inspired to create my own set of rules.

But it didn't really turn out to be a set of rules. It's more like a set of things -- a very, very small set of things -- that I can wear.

Here is why I look so dumpy all the time:

Shirt:

Must be large enough that it does not draw attention to my boobs.
Must not have buttons down the center front - see above.
These two rules taken together mean that my shirts are always knit and incredibly baggy.
Cat hair is optional, but usually present.

Pants:

Must be the only pants in the world that come close to fitting me: Eddie Bauer jeans, with the hips a size bigger than the waist. These come in two colors: blue and blue.

(If I could find them with the hips two sizes bigger than the waist, they would actually fit, and I would probably wear them even into the shower due to overwhelming bliss.)

Socks:

I have recently discovered that boys' socks fit me. These come in one color scheme: white with gray on the bottom. They can be seen in my shower.

Shoes:

These because I can stand up in them and even walk some. They are black, and they look dashing with those white and gray socks sticking out the front.

Comments

[evilegg.livejournal.com]

Where the hell do black chicks buy their pants?
You sound like you have the same build as a friend of mine (she's 1/2 cuban). She is like an hourglass cartoon she's so curvy.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I joke that there are hourglass figures, and then there's me: the shape of one beach ball on top of another beach ball.

I just measured. 38-25-40. (The chest and hip were taken over clothing. But I exhaled.) At five foot three, with those numbers, and the shoes linked above, there ain't nothing gonna make me look good.

[tupelo.livejournal.com]

I think you and I are exactly the same shape except you're an inch taller.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Are you serious? WHERE DO YOU SHOP? I want the name of your tailor! And your favorite brand of jeans, and where you can buy bras (me: Nordstrom, 30G if they have any).

[tupelo.livejournal.com]

I buy Levi's, I don't like anything else, and I belt them and cuff them.

And my bras, again, the only ones I like, are Friday's Bra by Warner in 36DD (I'd really need an E if they made that).

I'm going to measure myself to make sure I'm not lying to you about the measurements. But yeah, all my tops are baggy black burqas.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You are probably actually bustier than I am, because if you're a 36 band, DD is quite a lot of cup. My "G" is really not that big unless you start peering at the contrast with the 30" ribcage. (My "G" is also presuming the scale that goes D, E, F, G, so DD = E.)

I am sooooooo into the baggy tops. On Halloween I dressed as a vampire in a slinky black thing, and one coworker was all HEY, you're PRETTY! I'm not quite sure what to make of that. I think it means my baggy clothing is successful.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I'm guessing it was a male co-worker, who didn't want to shout out "hey, NICE BOOBS" and missed his saving throw ;-)

I've had success with somewhat shaped tops and short sleeve sweaters with a denim or other button-up shirt open over it. It's comfortable, and doesn't draw quite as much attention to the chest.

I live in black jersey pants from Just My Size in the summer and sweats in the winter. Most jeans for ample butts and thighs like mine don't take into account that some of us actually do have smaller waists than hips.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Hah! Actually, it was a woman -- the marathon runner in the office, whose figure looks a lot like mine used to look when I was a runner. Well, with a bit less chest. :)

Loose shirt open over another shirt is a thing I've had success with as well. What I should do, I think, is have a few shirts designed with that in mind: shirts that are way smaller than I would ever wear alone. (Sleeveless also works. I don't go out without sleeves on, but with an overshirt I could use a sleeveless underlayer.)

Most jeans for ample butts and thighs like mine don't take into account that some of us actually do have smaller waists than hips.

Amen! And most jeans for skinny waists don't take into account that some of us actually do have larger hips than waists. The bestest store display I ever saw, in a mall, had women with breasts and hips and pinchy waists... those mannequins, unlike all others, looked JUST LIKE ME! It was awesome, until I saw what store owned it. It was Lane Bryant. I'm about ten sizes too small for them to even let me in the door. I suppose I could apply for a job as a mannequin though. :-)

[elflet.livejournal.com]

Something I spotted for Ambar might be useful to you: http://www.decentexposures.com/

It looks like they carry 30G bras as a stock item (which means they'll take a return if you don't like it) and you can order anything custom-made.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Their designs are way too relax-and-let-it-all-hang for me, but I am totally impressed that they carry 30G. Almost nobody thinks we exist. That's excellent.

[lesliepear.livejournal.com]

If you are wearing basic crew type socks - I found ones with white and PINK at Walgreens the other day. (I need to tell my socks from Alan's)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I need to dye them black, I think... heck, I don't know WHAT would look good in a shoe like that! :)

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

if/when i ever learn to knit socks for real (not just start them and then hide them when i make a mistake) i will make you funky-toed socks to show off in your shoes. i'm all about funky socks.

i need to start thinking of cat hair as a fashion accessory. goddess knows it's an essential part of every outfit!

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Exactly - CJ, you have friends who know how to knit.

What size is your foot, and are you allergic to wool? Most sock yarns are at least part wool, but that doesn't mean they're super hot or anything. And they can be washed. Or worn in the shower ;-)

I have holiday knitting to finish up, but after that we should talk.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Isn't that... a heck of a lot of work, honestly? I mean, I usually own something like ten pair of socks. They all match, so I don't have to go fishing. They're all washable. How long does it take to make a pair of socks?

(Nope, not at all allergic to wool, THANK GOODNESS. Back when I could hike, the best socks for that were at least part wool.)

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

sn't that... a heck of a lot of work, honestly?

honestly? no. well, in the pre-xmas crunch, a little bit, but when do i ever NOT have eleventy-seven things on needles??

give me these measurements:

--foot length (heel to toe)
--circumference of foot at the widest spot (and tell me where that is so i know where to make it)
--circumference of your leg just above the ankle bone.

i think that's the critical stuff. i can't promise them this month, but i can get 'em started.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

We should send her to an online store and pick out some yarn & colors, too. I bet she's thinking solids, not any of the fun stuff :-D

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Cat hair is totally a fashion accessory! I screwed up, though: I think you're supposed to get cats that MATCH, so that you can then coordinate the cat hair color with your outfits. I have cats ranging from white (half of Duchess) to black (all of Jackie) and everywhere in between (the rest of Duchess and all of Little Girl). The only color I'm missing is orange. :)

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

Since I like that deep red sweater so much, can we get a burgandy cat?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Sure! YOU get to do the dye job. :-)

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

Cool! I'll see what I can do :-)

[dafydd.livejournal.com]

Must be large enough that it does not draw attention to my boobs.
Must not have buttons down the center front - see above.

*sadsigh*

How can we appreciate them, if you don't show them off?!?!

*grin, duck, run very fast!*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

How can we appreciate them, if you don't show them off?

That's the POINT! :-)

This is my attempt to disguise myself as a person.

[apparentparadox]

Coming at this from a completely uninterested perspective, it seems that you may be unhappy with the clothes that you feel "forced" to wear, but aren't you the only one forcing yourself to wear knit shirts? You do have the option of wearing tops that as a side-effect might make your breasts more obvious. You're taking the two statements: "guys are stupid" and "I have to wear stuff to keep guys from drooling" as both solid facts. I just wonder if the second really is a solid fact, or at some point in time you decided that it was (and maybe it's time to re-visit that decision).

I can understand choosing "defensive" clothing at times when you might be at risk for being attacked, but I would hope that doesn't constitute your normal day.

Oh, and it's possible to dye clothing (I'm think of the white socks).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think what I'm most unhappy with is the fact that things don't fit. Many people grab clothing off a rack, try it on, and go home with it, content. If I were willing to go to a tailor and triple the price of each item of clothing both in dollars and in minutes, I could look as good as those people look.

Given that I'm wearing mass-produced unaltered clothing, I think I haven't done too badly. Yes, it's ugly. But it doesn't get me kicked out of work and it doesn't get me treated the way I was treated before I learned to dress this way. That much is fine. I just wish I could look nicer, in the sense of dressier or less casual or more professional, without either tripling my clothing budget or looking (in my own perception) cheap and easy.

I guess another big piece of frustration is the shoes. Ain't nothing looks good with a shoe like that... but I'll never be reasonable and unbiased about those. :-)

[sharya.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I have a larger chest as well, but baggy isn't always the answer. Buttons down the centre front also have a tendency to help support, depending on where they are in terms of height (and obviously the fabric).

My style gurus are the "What Not To Wear" crowd, and honestly, they've made a big difference in how I dress.

http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/whatnottowear/whatnottowear.html

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

All I know for sure is that buttons down the center front will gap open unless the shirt is about six sizes too big in the shoulders, arms, and belly. One of the things I don't want to display at work is my bra. What do you mean by "a tendency to help support"? Support what?

[sharya.livejournal.com]

I re-read your post - you said shirt and my mind translated "top". Jackets with button-down fronts are awesome for larger chests, as depending on where you get the buttons to end, they actually offer some support. The idea being that the jacket is fitted, and the buttons lock the boobs into place - no bouncing, and no gaping.

I'm still thinking a nice fitted shirt with button-down front would probably work alright. If it was fitting properly, it shouldn't gape and give bra-shots. Do you get your stuff tailored?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ah, gotcha. Yeah, a jacket would help a little, especially if it was curved dramatically (so as not to make me look like a giant square on top of two little sticks). And a shirt that fit would have to be a custom order from scratch, but starting from scratch it might at least be possible.

I am sooooooo grateful that I have a job where I can wear jeans and knit shirts. If I didn't, every single item of clothing I would wear to work would have to be custom made!

[deege.livejournal.com]

Eris Apparel (http://www.erisapparel.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=3)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Wow, that is awesome! Of course, it's fifty bucks for a plain button-front shirt (and that's ON SALE from NINETY!), and it could still need tailoring according to their FAQ and my cup size. But this is an amazing step for women whose chests determine their clothing choices. It means there's HOPE.

[mbumby.livejournal.com]

I attended a "learn this system for making clothing, get a free (proto-)pattern, and spend lots of money on our doo-dads -- but of course we won't tell you that up front" session a few years ago (about 10). I've not actually had time/space to make clothes, but one thing I do remember is that the actual (y axis) location of the buttons matters a lot. Of course I _don't_ remember whether you want to position a button (and space the others accordingly) right between the boobs, or at that sweet-spot an inch or so above (with another one equally below) to keep button-shirts from gapping. (And I am not the person to experiment on, because as I say, when I'm flat on my back, I'm _flat_ on my back...)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I agree that the vertical location of the buttons is key. For me, either directly between or right above and right below will BOTH gap, but that is because mass-produced clothing is made for a B cup. If the shirt were made to fit my shape (definitely a custom operation) I am guessing that above-and-below would work better. It's when your arms move (pulling the shirt up a tad) that's the worst. I *think*. They're so bad on me that honestly I can't tell. :-)

[ladyqkat.livejournal.com]

Okay - I am curious about those shoes. I tend to walk on my heels and the outside edges of my feet. I know this contributes to the fact that my right foot/leg 'falls asleep' when I walk for more than two minutes unless I am literally hanging onto something (wall, shopping cart, car).

I also have not been able to stand on the balls of my feet or tip-toes since around 1994. Frustrating as hell and the doctors just ignored it when I complained. Standard response when I mentioned that was "Lose weight."

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I got those shoes when I had foot surgery in 1995. They are meant for patients recovering from wounds or surgery on the forward part of the foot. The surgery didn't help but the shoes did. So I found places online where I could order more when they fell apart.

They definitely make me walk on my heels, but they don't do anything for the inner edge versus outer edge kind of thing. Are you looking for something that will help you NOT walk on your heels, so that you can retrain your feet and legs, or for something that WILL help you walk on your heels, so that you're not straining too much to do it?

So has any doctor answered how the blazes you are supposed to lose weight when your legs don't work? I mean, okay, swim, but that's much harder on a person's schedule than, say, walking or running. Like by a factor of two or maybe three. Legs are pretty fundamental!

[ladyqkat.livejournal.com]

Swimming is out because I can't afford to go to a public pool and won't subject myself to crude remarks. And, when I did have insurance, it didn't cover water therapy for very long.

Right now, being unemployed and uninsured, I can't afford to go see a doctor. Which is going to play hell with my disability hearing. Since my bladder infection last May, I've lost about 20 - 25 pounds, but that is nothing compared to what I need to lose.

I used to walk on the balls of my feet and I know I was stronger when I could. That changed after a couple of falls on ice when I landed right on my crotch really hard and, in the same year, had a horrendous rash on my legs complicated by a bad case of edema. Right after that I 'lost' the ability to stand on my tip-toes - something I never had a problem with.

Sorry, I'm whining now. Just feeling very pity-partyish due to the depression.

Thanks for the info, though. It might come in handy sometime.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I wish you could go to the public pool I used to go to. Everyone there was TOTALLY well-behaved -- never even the hint of snideness, and we had every size and shape of body in there. :-( It's just that a twenty-minute workout, something I'd consider a bare minimum for the kind of health and vigor I wanted to maintain, took more than an hour. I don't have that kind of time on a work day.

I know there are shoes designed to make people walk on the balls of their feet and it is supposed to have all kinds of toning and strengthening benefits. So I totally believe you about being stronger when you could.

That is so strange, losing that ability. It sounds like a nerve thing to me. Do the muscles simply not do what you command them to? :-( :-( :-(

And hey, no kicking yourself when you're down ;-). We all get pity-partyish sometimes. Especially those of us with incurable medical conditions, because that just sucks in a particularly crucial way. I know I sure go into pity mode. *hug* if ya want one.

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

I must say, I've never before thought you look dumpy. I've always thought you looked just fine. Well, I've always thought you looked beautiful, but as for your clothes, I never would have suspected you felt dumpy in them.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you! :-) For a while, dumpy was a goal, but now it's just sort of what happens when I wear the clothing that fits me. I guess "shapeless" will do that. (Anything WITH a shape doesn't fit!)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

aww - i thought you looked pretty damn cute :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Were you looking at my brain? ;-)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

not without my sunglasses (: