Gimp social life

[cjsmith]

Another side effect of this week's social whirlwind is that I've blatantly overused my feet twice in less than a week. Twice in a week is very very bad. Part of me is whining that nobody invites me to all this fun stuff the rest of the year, and the saner part of me is replying that that's because I can't go. Part of me is whining that we did all that walking and really flared up my feet, and the saner part is replying that if people stayed within my limitations no one could have gone.

It hurts to realize that I really can't be doing these things. The day in Berkeley was lovely, but it's Wednesday now and I haven't recovered. I'm supposed to be babying my feet in the hopes of slow healing; this week has probably set me back what, a month? Two? If any healing is happening at all, of course.

(Mary, do you have a guess about how far we walked? A mile? It would be interesting to know.)

I will have to face the fact that I am sufficiently physically disabled that it is a factor in my social life.

1) A LJ-friend of mine posted a while back about his frustration walking with someone who was slow. Check, I thought, likely no in-person friendship with this one. I want people to hang out with me because THEY WANT TO, not because they are being virtuous and suppressing their frustration. Heck, I'm angry and frustrated enough about this issue for several people! I don't need others being bothered by me!

2) If I need special consideration for walking and parking and all that jazz, that changes the equation of how fun it is to be around me. It can be annoying when one person is putting limitations on a group's activity. At the end of the day, what matters is whether everybody had a good time. To push that equation over to the positive side, I need to offer more of something else good -- more laughter, more helpfulness, more insight, more creativity, goodness knows what -- than I would need if I didn't have physical limitations butting in.

Therefore, my friends and I will self-select. People who don't want to hang around a gimp won't. People who don't want to wait won't. I'll hang out less with people who seem frustrated or who run on ahead of me, because damn bringing up the rear all the time is humiliating. Those who do choose to be with me will be doing it because it's worth their while... and for right now, I'll be over here figuring out what it is that will make it worth their while. There WILL BE something. There probably already is. For my sanity I want to be aware of what that is, and nurture it.

Comments

[sebab.livejournal.com]

it makes me sad to read this (and for personal reasons as well as sympathy)

FWIW, there's someone I should have dumped four months earlier than I did, because of her blatant annoyance with my walking speed (and that was just from an infected toe, not the actual handicap I have now)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Yeah.

See, I've been on the other side of that equation, too. I used to walk fast, back when I could. Because that was my natural walking speed it was difficult to match speeds with someone slower -- it took concentration. I'd do something silly like listen to what the person said, and I'd forget to concentrate on the walking, and boom!, I'd be running on ahead again.

But I'm learning. Lots. And hey, if these foot problems make me high-maintenance, well... my job now is to be worth it, that's all.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Your presence and friendship is worthwile enough, dammit. Poo on anyone who doesn't think so.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes indeedy. And they can say "poo on CJ", too: there's nothing that says we all have to like / want to be friends with EVERYONE. Self-selecting is a fine thing. (But it can be painful while it happens.)

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

Ya know, you can't help it if you can't keep up right now. And your friends won't care, and will accomadate accordingly.
In the meantime, as I'm late to the scene, do you qualify for a handicap tag for your car? Because having one that you can take with so that you or your friends can park closer can make a really big difference for you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, my friends will -- all part of that selection process. And yes, I qualify for one, but my old one expired and I don't have a new one yet. Personally I believe if I should qualify for a temporary, I should qualify for a permanent, because goodness knows my doctors can't cure me. But apparently they don't think that way. So I need to go get a new one every six months.

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

I so sympathize, my dear.

And, a confession. I'm a flaming dunderhead. I sometimes need to be told, "slow down," before I realize I'm walking too fast. :( Sorry!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I bet you used to be a pretty slow walker too, fifty percent of the time or so. When you were mobile at all during those times. :-( Gah. No fun.

And I'm a flaming dunderhead myself. I've been on the other side of this very thing. I used to walk fast, back when I could. Because that was my natural walking speed it was difficult to match speeds with someone slower -- it took concentration. I'd do something silly like listen to what the person said, and I'd forget to concentrate on the walking, and boom!, I'd be running on ahead again.

Thanks. *hug*

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

I hope your feet feel better soon.

I don't think the special consideration issues such as parking and how far can we walk makes it any less fun to hang around you. Not that I've hung around you in real space, but you're plenty fun in cyberspace. I guess I think the point of hanging out with friends is to be with the friends and enjoy their company. it's fun to do stuff at the same time, but I don't think that should get in the way of being social.

I have another kind of limitation, which is that I have trouble hearing voices if there's a lot of background noise. I am pretty much totally unwilling to go to social things if I know it's going to be loud. I get tired of saying, "WHAT? WHAT?" all the time and people probably get sick of hearing it.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And as long as my company is enjoyable in person, *perfect*. It'll all work out.

I too have had a touch of the background-noise issue -- enough that I can see how awfully annoying it would be to have to ask for repeats all the time. Bleh.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

1) I tend to walk, when alone or with others who walk similarly, very, very fast. If I know the person(s) I'm with can't or don't want to keep up my pace, I make sure they set the pace. Sometimes with Toni, I let her stay 1/2 step ahead or so, so I don't pass her. I don't choose who I am going to be friends with based on whether or not they can physically keep up with me. If I did, my egalitarian self would wonder why so many people would keep up with me, as physically, I'm not in the upper half in most respects.

2) Bah.

And I'm not saying that to stroke your ego, just presenting my own point of view on friendship. There are different things my different friends enjoy/can/want to do, and I do those different things with each of them.

I'll quit rambling now. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

My natural walking speed used to be veryveryfast, too. I like your idea of letting the pace-setter be a half step ahead. Good way of keeping the paces linked!

And yeah, different things with different people... I guess I'm thinking more along the lines of: suppose I smelled really bad. That's something I could fix. It would affect how much people enjoyed spending time with me. Feet aren't something I can fix, but anything simple and fixable, why not? :)

Ramble away. I think I have to go now -- I just learned the time on tonight's meetup, and I'm ALREADY LATE!

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

I'll walk slow! I can't help it. I'm short. And I am usually looking around at stuff and not really paying attention to how slow I am walking.

And those fast walkers can walk ahead and we'll make fun of their butt when they walk all fast like that ;)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I used to walk fast despite being short, but Not Any More! No indeedy. So now I'll cheerfully join you in the making-fun-of-butts group. :-)

[ericainohio.livejournal.com]

CJ, I will walk with you any time.

Unless you're riding your Craftsman drill go-cart thingie. =:-O

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

We'll have to get you a Craftsman dremel hovercraft. :)

[dangerpudding.livejournal.com]

I don't choose my friends based on physical capability. I choose (chose) my rock climbing partners that way. It might change what I do with certain friends, but I choose them because I like them!

I'm just learning that my (new) physical limitations have effects on my social life. It's very strange and often challenging - four days at Disneyland, one of which was spent in a hotel room bed, were extremely painful. I imagine that long-term it will be yet another filter on who I spend time with. I try to tell myself that this self-selection is a good thing, but it doesn't always feel that way.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Indeed, your last sentence hits the nail on the head. Much of my frustration is aimed at MYSELF, for not being Perfect In Every Way. When I see self-selection in action, it stings, because I was already down on myself for this. (As if there's anything I could really do. Intellectually I know it's not "my fault". Emotionally, though, it still stings. Those pesky emotion things!)

[dafydd.livejournal.com]

I just had this idle fantasy of walking somewhere with you, and saying "Here, get up on my shoulders..."

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That sounds pretty good to me! 8-)

[wooddragon.livejournal.com]

Things like disabilities, or other events, kind of separate the folks who will stick around and the ones who must move on. And sometimes, it's not even conscious, it's just how it works out.

But the ones who are worth it will stick around. And the ones who don't stick around, well, they weren't worth it.

And the mind goes much faster than the feet ever will, so you're set there. *hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Or other events. Yes indeed. I'm glad you've found those who will stick around.

I agree, I figure I wouldn't be even this conscious of it except I'm such an obsessive navel-gazer.

If only I could move around through mental force! Telekinesis, here I come! :-)

[aleeceh.livejournal.com]

Would it make sense to obtain and use a wheelchair selectively? I know I'm feeling a little weird right now about using mine at work when I can and do stand and walk for some things, but the pain that resulted from making my leg bear weight throughout my normal work day for a week humbled me into accepting it as a necessary aid for the time being. By using it I also get less frustrated myself with how slowly I have to go on foot. When out and about, I find that my friends actually like to push me in it and are very happy to help me navigate difficult spots. :-) I was able to borrow my chair, but it shouldn't cost too much to buy a basic used one.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Good question. I'm really not sure. How difficult was it for you to learn to use yours? I have a cheapy one -- okay, it was free -- and I'm comically awkward in it. I can only imagine what it would be like to try to get around inside the office building. America's Funniest Home Videos! But then once I got over the learning part, it might indeed be very useful.

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Oy! Hugs from a distance! special considerations for parking and walking does not affect how fun it is to be around you. You rock. I enjoying hanging with you. How fast you move does not matter.

Most of the things I like to do entail sitting on my ass. No walking needed! Come over on Superbowl Sunday and sit and game!

Okay. comment on walking slow. I too get frustrated at people who walk slow. Not those who are disabled or have an injury (I've had several of those that made me a gimp). Its those bastards who are meandering around, taking up the entire walking space and won't get out of my way when I'm trying to get somewhere! Like the assholes, who drive 10 mph below the limit on a mountain road, and end up with 10 cars trailing behind them, and they won't use the pullout. I hate those people!

Now my FIL, who is now a gimp, walks very slow. That does not frustrate me. It amuses the hell out of me 'cause after nearly 40 years of marriage he's the one saying "Honey! Slow down!" =)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Most of the things I like to do entail sitting on my ass. No walking needed!

That's a good point, echoing what a couple other people have said. It's not WHO our friends are, but WHAT we choose to do with them, that is affected most by something like this. I could learn to be a sharp card player. I could take up beadwork. That sort of thing.

I get frustrated at people who PARK THEIR CARCASSES in the middle of the only access way. You know, the ones who hug their eighteen friends right in the door of the jetway, or who put themselves and their shopping carts across the entire bread section and then proceed to alphabetize their written lists. Heh. :)

It amuses the hell out of me 'cause after nearly 40 years of marriage he's the one saying "Honey! Slow down!" =)

Karma coming home to roost? ;-)

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Oh. I forgot. If you are thinking about it. Those motorized scooters rock. I used them whenever I could at the end of my pregnancy. A huge improvement over wheelchairs! (I used a wheelchair for an entire summer for a broken leg) A wheelchair made me feel "broken", the scooter is just fun! (And much faster. I used to feel frustrated at how slow I was at getting myself around in a chair.)

Just my $0.02

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I so want one. But they're fiendishly expensive. How did you get yours? Did insurance cover it due to a complicated pregnancy? I'm sure insurance won't do squat for me, since I CAN walk, just not MUCH. So I'm hoping to maybe find one used.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you have to go through this :( And I'll definitely come and hang out with you once I'm local - it sounds like a nicely rewarding activity to me!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ooo, I like the sound of that "once I'm local" phrase! Any further ideas or nascent plans along those lines?

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Come hang around me, babe. I married a gimp, and we're both used to it already. Plenty of fun to be had around gimps; ask Randy.

One such example: I'll try to remember to bug Jen or Joe to bug you to come over the next time Randy and I go over there for games and dinner.

Hugs!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed - possibly not hiking fun or running fun or rock-climbing fun, but there are lots of other enjoyable hanging-out things to do. Maybe I will finally learn to play cards. Hey, you going to be at the Superbowl thing?

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I'm very happy to walk slowly and short distances. Let me know if you'd like me to find us some near-parking caches to do... it was fun to go that time!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

As long as I don't pick up any more travel bugs! Silly CJ, picking up a travel bug and then having her feet deteriorate and then forgetting about it and then going in for surgery... d'oh! :-)

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I just walk at the speed that's comfortable for whomever I'm walking with. If I want to walk fast, I grab the dog and we go chase ducks at the lake.

Which is my way of saying I had a terrific time in Berkeley on Monday. I only wish the scooter had been working.

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

Yes. Scooter would have been good.

[sharya.livejournal.com]

In my present condition, I'm slower than a snail stuck in molasses. As it happens, my friends are fairly tolerant of this, and we are now doing different activities. Poker has become popular, and this is good, because it's something I can participate in. Perhaps you want to start looking for alternate activities you can do with your friends? I'm a huge fan of board games/card games and movies myself... perhaps this is an option for you instead of walks/hikes?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, different activities would be a great idea. I will learn not to tag along with "Let's Explore Berkeley" (an entire town in which it is impossible to park), and instead tag along with "Let's Play Cards" or "Let's Eat Tapas Until We Hurt"! :-)

[eichin.livejournal.com]

one possibility to consider is resurrecting the tradition of "holding court" and lead more social events that are of the form "people come here and hang out" rather than "we all go somewhere else which may or may not be accessible enough"...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That would be great. One slight difficulty is that most of the people I know are all clustered an hour's drive from me. They will, on very rare occasion, drive to me; Lisa's presence in my house drew a big pile of people. But I'm not going to be able to hold court *often*.

This is shifting a little. Some people have recently moved south. I am getting better about driving to other folks' houses, making it easier for them to reciprocate. I can also imagine offering stuff that's not always available elsewhere, too, eg "CJ's fondue" or "a piano" or "it's okay to blow stuff up in this old microwave over here".

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

speaking as someone else who is also gimpy, i tend to do one of two things. first, i will hang on to whoever i'm walking with. unless they claw free, then they slow down to my speed. second, i will, from the far back of the crowd, bellow "hey! pretend like you're short and crippled, wouldja?". that slows them down for a while, at least.

also, because i've had ra since i was 16, i never had to "get used to" my social life being different. it's *always* been centered around lack of physical activity.

(hi from wombabes/friends!)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Hihi! :-)

Wow, I never considered hanging on. I suppose that could work! And I LOVE the "pretend you're short and crippled" line. [evil cackling]

I don't have ra myself, my problems are something totally else, but I know enough people with ra that I am officially *ticked off* at that disease. It's had its fun and it is now time for it to STOP. Hey, have you seen this shirt? I just got mine!

[firecat]

My friends are mostly other not particularly mobile people and people whom I usually hang out with in situations where we are staying put rather than going somewhere.

There are also some people who are ordinarily mobile but have the talent of adjusting to my pace in an easy, natural way that doesn't make me feel subtly pressured or subtly wrong. Some of those people are my friends too.

Every time I've gotten together with you in person the conversation has been really enjoyable for me. So that's what makes it worth it for me.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Activities involving staying put will be key, I suspect.

Thank you! I'm glad the conversation is good. That's the sort of thing I can look at, on days when I'm grumpy about all this, and it'll cheer me up a bit. "Hey, my friends enjoy the conversations they have with me."

[airporter.livejournal.com]

Thanks be to the bug in my system, I'm just reading a bunch of entries today, all bundled up and comfy.

1) 1) A LJ-friend of mine posted a while back about his frustration walking with someone who was slow.

Slow due to much window shopping is one thing; slow due to physical issues is another. In the first case, I"m likely to get frustrated. In the latter, I'm not. (Been there on both sides of the equation. Remember what it feels like to not be able to 'keep up'.)

Check, I thought, likely no in-person friendship with this one. I want people to hang out with me because THEY WANT TO, not because they are being virtuous and suppressing their frustration.

I have to regretfully agree, certainly if this friend were making a blanket statement, it would seem to preclude any ability for amending his/her position. OTOH, I can't imagine anyone wishing to hang with you to make themselves feel virtuous. To have fun, great conversation, be stimulated, sure. But virtuous?

Heck, I'm angry and frustrated enough about this issue for several people! I don't need others being bothered by me!

Occasionally, others will be bothered with you. And you by others actions. You're frustrated by your special situation, certainly, but you're still human.

Special considerations: I have to take issue with "I need to offer more of something else good...than I would need if I didn't have physical limitations butting in." That may be true for some people you meet, but thank god the great majority of people who experience you won't require compensation for one limitation in your person.

It's all part of the trade-off of friendship. Some of us are surly with good hearts, some are Pollyannas with saccharine oozing from their pores, and some have physical limitations that have balances. You're alread funny, considerate, thoughtful, creative and goodness knows what else - don't sell those qualities short, the equation is balance and that's what matters.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

Today I had lunch with a friend I don't see too often because she's always busy. It's April-in-January today, 66º (!), so I said I was going for a walk afterward. She asked if I'd like to go together, and I was happy to.

But this is her month off (she's a college professor), and she's been working out every day on the treadmill, so she went charging off. To make a long story short, I could keep up with her on level ground at first, but both uphill and downhill are hard for me, so she just slowed down whenever I needed to. (She was also very flexible about stopping to let me look at the waterfowl, but when I'm alone I've been known to take four hours to cover the 2½ mile circuit around the lake, so I tried to keep the stops infrequent and brief as a compromise.)

But since I'm used to stopping a lot more, I started to poop out about halfway around. I felt bad about interrupting the walk, but she was fine about stopping to sit on a bench until I was ready to resume the walk.

I have another friend who is taller than I, more fit than I, and wants aerobic exercise. Occasionlly we go for a walk, and she'll keep her pace to mine until I slow way down on a hill or need to stop to rest for a minute, and then she just walks ahead, turns around and comes back, and just keeps going until I get back to level ground or am ready to continue ... it's kind of like walking with an eager puppy, actually, but it works.

With friends who aren't as adaptable, I can do other things. I can always manage to go out for lunch or dinner or coffee/tea with a friend!

This is a huge loss, CJ -- do give yourself permission to grieve. Just as life goes on after even the most hideous loss, your life will go on. It may not be the life you wanted or planned for, but it will be a good one.

But any loss needs to be grieved, so don't get down on yourself for feeling depressed and sad about it for awhile, just as you would if someone close to you died. You know what I've been through, and I'm enjoying life. You will too. Grieving is work, but you can't avoid it. Cry when you need to, pound the table and yell "it's not fair!!!" when you need to, give yourself the space and time to adjust.

And remember, I've been there, so any time you want to talk, just e-mail me at my LJ address.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you have to have all these thoughts running through your head. To some (limited extent), I've been where you are. As a big fat guy with asthma, I've had my share of occasions where I was running to keep up with a bunch of people that just wanted to get where they were going and weren't giving much thought to who was with them. And it feels pretty lousy, I know.

But, as you say, you soon realize that some people want to be with you because they want to be with YOU. True, physical issues can limit the number of "Oh, hey, I'll tag along" plans you can make, to be sure. But they don't have to be an end to your social life. It's just a matter of finding things to do that other people find enjoyable. And the good part of that, is that eventually you will find something enjoyable enough that people will do it for it's own sake, with the idea of being with you a secondary benefit (or vice versa, I suppose vice versa would make you feel better *grin*).

But the point I'm getting at, in a roundabout off-the-top-of-my-head kind of way, is that maybe where you need to start is to really put some thought into what you and your immediate friends and family do for fun. Presumably, you already live your own life within the limits that your body sets for you. And I don't know you well, so maybe your entire life is work and reading and livejournal, or any other bunch of stuff you can't do as a group. But I suspect you have many interests that fit within your day to day life, or could. And I just wonder if you would make more progress trying to figure out how to involve other people in those, than in waiting for other people to spontaneously suggest something you can do with them.

I think I'm talking too much, but I hope you understand a little bit of what I'm trying to say?