Gimp social life

[cjsmith]

Another side effect of this week's social whirlwind is that I've blatantly overused my feet twice in less than a week. Twice in a week is very very bad. Part of me is whining that nobody invites me to all this fun stuff the rest of the year, and the saner part of me is replying that that's because I can't go. Part of me is whining that we did all that walking and really flared up my feet, and the saner part is replying that if people stayed within my limitations no one could have gone.

It hurts to realize that I really can't be doing these things. The day in Berkeley was lovely, but it's Wednesday now and I haven't recovered. I'm supposed to be babying my feet in the hopes of slow healing; this week has probably set me back what, a month? Two? If any healing is happening at all, of course.

(Mary, do you have a guess about how far we walked? A mile? It would be interesting to know.)

I will have to face the fact that I am sufficiently physically disabled that it is a factor in my social life.

1) A LJ-friend of mine posted a while back about his frustration walking with someone who was slow. Check, I thought, likely no in-person friendship with this one. I want people to hang out with me because THEY WANT TO, not because they are being virtuous and suppressing their frustration. Heck, I'm angry and frustrated enough about this issue for several people! I don't need others being bothered by me!

2) If I need special consideration for walking and parking and all that jazz, that changes the equation of how fun it is to be around me. It can be annoying when one person is putting limitations on a group's activity. At the end of the day, what matters is whether everybody had a good time. To push that equation over to the positive side, I need to offer more of something else good -- more laughter, more helpfulness, more insight, more creativity, goodness knows what -- than I would need if I didn't have physical limitations butting in.

Therefore, my friends and I will self-select. People who don't want to hang around a gimp won't. People who don't want to wait won't. I'll hang out less with people who seem frustrated or who run on ahead of me, because damn bringing up the rear all the time is humiliating. Those who do choose to be with me will be doing it because it's worth their while... and for right now, I'll be over here figuring out what it is that will make it worth their while. There WILL BE something. There probably already is. For my sanity I want to be aware of what that is, and nurture it.

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

OK, but unless someone is friends with you primarily because they like walking/running with you, they're going to make allowances for your physical condition. The whole "must give them reason to still like me" thing is kind of squicky to me.

But I'm also a hard nosed bitch who expects people to take me as I am, and there's nothing that says you have to be that way. I generally try to take people as they are, and that's physical as well as mental. Most people I chose not to hang out with aren't because they're too much trouble, but because they do things that violate my boundaries or hurt others. But I know I'm weird ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The whole "must give them reason to still like me" thing is kind of squicky to me.

*nod* There's a tone in which it would be squicky to me, too, so perhaps there's tone that isn't coming across. We all DO make decisions about people we want to hang around with: would I rather have lunch with Bret or Bart? would I rather spend the afternoon talking to Corey or Carey? Little stuff like whether Bret smells bad or Carey walks my speed do affect this sense -- not always in a conscious way, but it's there. So because I happen to be VERY frustrated, myself, by this limitation of mine, I am looking to see what else it is people would enjoy about me. 'Cause it's gotta be there. I know it has to be.

The take on this that would squick me is "I now have to re-mold myself into a more pleasing shape so that people will be willing to be my friend". I'd rather people were friends with me, rather than with a mask I put on. I think there's nothing particularly wrong with choosing a good attribute of myself and dusting it off so it can shine, or even doing some work on it, but changing who I am... not gonna happen.

Most people I chose not to hang out with aren't because they're too much trouble, but because they do things that violate my boundaries or hurt others.

OH yes. I'm so with ya there.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

The take on this that would squick me is "I now have to re-mold myself into a more pleasing shape so that people will be willing to be my friend".

And that's where my brain went with it, and I got concerned. 'Cause I like smart, intelligent, silly, sarcastic CJ and was worried that you'd try to be something different to keep friends. And, dammit, I'm selfish and I like you how you are.

Your explanation helped me see that's not what you're thinking, though, and I'm glad. Emphasizing and polishing attributes are a lot different from changing them to try to please others, and sounds like a good growth exercise.

So I'll quit giving you a hard time now ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you for being concerned on my behalf. It's a great compliment that you like who I am now and therefore don't want me to go replacing myself! :-)

No hard time perceived -- no worries.

(Hmm, sarcasm. Yeah, that's another thing I want to polish. It should be clever AND FUNNY! Funny is good.)

[airporter.livejournal.com]

Sarcasm should indeed be funny and clever. I've been short on the clever for far too long.

Now that I'm reading all of these additional entries, I'm seeing the balance.

Much gladness.

*hugs*