Gimp social life

[cjsmith]

Another side effect of this week's social whirlwind is that I've blatantly overused my feet twice in less than a week. Twice in a week is very very bad. Part of me is whining that nobody invites me to all this fun stuff the rest of the year, and the saner part of me is replying that that's because I can't go. Part of me is whining that we did all that walking and really flared up my feet, and the saner part is replying that if people stayed within my limitations no one could have gone.

It hurts to realize that I really can't be doing these things. The day in Berkeley was lovely, but it's Wednesday now and I haven't recovered. I'm supposed to be babying my feet in the hopes of slow healing; this week has probably set me back what, a month? Two? If any healing is happening at all, of course.

(Mary, do you have a guess about how far we walked? A mile? It would be interesting to know.)

I will have to face the fact that I am sufficiently physically disabled that it is a factor in my social life.

1) A LJ-friend of mine posted a while back about his frustration walking with someone who was slow. Check, I thought, likely no in-person friendship with this one. I want people to hang out with me because THEY WANT TO, not because they are being virtuous and suppressing their frustration. Heck, I'm angry and frustrated enough about this issue for several people! I don't need others being bothered by me!

2) If I need special consideration for walking and parking and all that jazz, that changes the equation of how fun it is to be around me. It can be annoying when one person is putting limitations on a group's activity. At the end of the day, what matters is whether everybody had a good time. To push that equation over to the positive side, I need to offer more of something else good -- more laughter, more helpfulness, more insight, more creativity, goodness knows what -- than I would need if I didn't have physical limitations butting in.

Therefore, my friends and I will self-select. People who don't want to hang around a gimp won't. People who don't want to wait won't. I'll hang out less with people who seem frustrated or who run on ahead of me, because damn bringing up the rear all the time is humiliating. Those who do choose to be with me will be doing it because it's worth their while... and for right now, I'll be over here figuring out what it is that will make it worth their while. There WILL BE something. There probably already is. For my sanity I want to be aware of what that is, and nurture it.

Comments

[sebab.livejournal.com]

it makes me sad to read this (and for personal reasons as well as sympathy)

FWIW, there's someone I should have dumped four months earlier than I did, because of her blatant annoyance with my walking speed (and that was just from an infected toe, not the actual handicap I have now)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Your presence and friendship is worthwile enough, dammit. Poo on anyone who doesn't think so.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Yeah.

See, I've been on the other side of that equation, too. I used to walk fast, back when I could. Because that was my natural walking speed it was difficult to match speeds with someone slower -- it took concentration. I'd do something silly like listen to what the person said, and I'd forget to concentrate on the walking, and boom!, I'd be running on ahead again.

But I'm learning. Lots. And hey, if these foot problems make me high-maintenance, well... my job now is to be worth it, that's all.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes indeedy. And they can say "poo on CJ", too: there's nothing that says we all have to like / want to be friends with EVERYONE. Self-selecting is a fine thing. (But it can be painful while it happens.)

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

Ya know, you can't help it if you can't keep up right now. And your friends won't care, and will accomadate accordingly.
In the meantime, as I'm late to the scene, do you qualify for a handicap tag for your car? Because having one that you can take with so that you or your friends can park closer can make a really big difference for you.

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

I so sympathize, my dear.

And, a confession. I'm a flaming dunderhead. I sometimes need to be told, "slow down," before I realize I'm walking too fast. :( Sorry!!

[erisian-fields.livejournal.com]

EVERYONE is high-maintenance, just different flavors of high-maintenance.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Friends take that into account. Friends recognize your worth and the gimpiness doesn't matter. Geez, if I were to visit you, I'd be visiting with YOU, not your feet, not your house, not the dishes piled up in the sink, not anything else that people worry about that really doesn't matter in a friendship. What matter is how friends interact, the fun they have when together, and how they make each other feel.

You don't have to push yourself to be more, more, more just to keep or attract friends. Just be you. That's already good.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, my friends will -- all part of that selection process. And yes, I qualify for one, but my old one expired and I don't have a new one yet. Personally I believe if I should qualify for a temporary, I should qualify for a permanent, because goodness knows my doctors can't cure me. But apparently they don't think that way. So I need to go get a new one every six months.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

OK, but unless someone is friends with you primarily because they like walking/running with you, they're going to make allowances for your physical condition. The whole "must give them reason to still like me" thing is kind of squicky to me.

But I'm also a hard nosed bitch who expects people to take me as I am, and there's nothing that says you have to be that way. I generally try to take people as they are, and that's physical as well as mental. Most people I chose not to hang out with aren't because they're too much trouble, but because they do things that violate my boundaries or hurt others. But I know I'm weird ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I bet you used to be a pretty slow walker too, fifty percent of the time or so. When you were mobile at all during those times. :-( Gah. No fun.

And I'm a flaming dunderhead myself. I've been on the other side of this very thing. I used to walk fast, back when I could. Because that was my natural walking speed it was difficult to match speeds with someone slower -- it took concentration. I'd do something silly like listen to what the person said, and I'd forget to concentrate on the walking, and boom!, I'd be running on ahead again.

Thanks. *hug*

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly, 50% of the time. Now it's 10% -- not so bad. BUT! I am so used to being the slow one, trying to catch up or deciding to just forget about 'em, that I'm not used to being too speedy. You'd think I would learn, wouldn't you? You'd think the times I spent all alone on "our" walk, silently cursing the person now a mile ahead of me would create some sort of sensitivity in me... But no, I'm an idiot.

Hugs to you too, sweetie.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The whole "must give them reason to still like me" thing is kind of squicky to me.

*nod* There's a tone in which it would be squicky to me, too, so perhaps there's tone that isn't coming across. We all DO make decisions about people we want to hang around with: would I rather have lunch with Bret or Bart? would I rather spend the afternoon talking to Corey or Carey? Little stuff like whether Bret smells bad or Carey walks my speed do affect this sense -- not always in a conscious way, but it's there. So because I happen to be VERY frustrated, myself, by this limitation of mine, I am looking to see what else it is people would enjoy about me. 'Cause it's gotta be there. I know it has to be.

The take on this that would squick me is "I now have to re-mold myself into a more pleasing shape so that people will be willing to be my friend". I'd rather people were friends with me, rather than with a mask I put on. I think there's nothing particularly wrong with choosing a good attribute of myself and dusting it off so it can shine, or even doing some work on it, but changing who I am... not gonna happen.

Most people I chose not to hang out with aren't because they're too much trouble, but because they do things that violate my boundaries or hurt others.

OH yes. I'm so with ya there.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

the times I spent all alone on "our" walk, silently cursing the person now a mile ahead of me

Oh no... they didn't, did they? TWO people taking a walk, to have time WITH EACH OTHER, and the other person just wandered away? Please tell me they didn't. :-(

But no, I'm an idiot.

You are a brilliant woman. Hugs in person this evening.

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

I hope your feet feel better soon.

I don't think the special consideration issues such as parking and how far can we walk makes it any less fun to hang around you. Not that I've hung around you in real space, but you're plenty fun in cyberspace. I guess I think the point of hanging out with friends is to be with the friends and enjoy their company. it's fun to do stuff at the same time, but I don't think that should get in the way of being social.

I have another kind of limitation, which is that I have trouble hearing voices if there's a lot of background noise. I am pretty much totally unwilling to go to social things if I know it's going to be loud. I get tired of saying, "WHAT? WHAT?" all the time and people probably get sick of hearing it.

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

Oh no... they didn't, did they?

Um, yeah. Indeed 'they' did, on more than one occasion. That's quite romantic, isn't it? 'Let's go for a nice long walk!' And then you spend the whole thing looking at 'their' back. Heh!

I look forward to apologizing in person. Right now, I have to go clean up the cat puke. Ewwww! She's doing the rainbow thing again!

Hey, when do we need to leave for this thing? Do you want me to go alone and let you have a nice quiet evening to yourself?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

EVERYONE is high-maintenance, just different flavors of high-maintenance.

I guess I tend to notice some forms more than I notice others. Some people are just genuinely a pain in the butt. I know one guy... well, let's just say if he had any sense of humor or was a good listener, it sure would help, because everything else around him has to be done HIS fussy way!

Fortunately, I think I do have other worthwhile attributes. :-)

You don't have to push yourself to be more, more, more just to keep or attract friends.

I must've come across as wanting to remake myself. :-) I think there's nothing wrong with trying to improve, say, my conversational skills or my table manners, but I am not going to turn myself into someone different in the hopes that someone will like me. It just wouldn't work very well. I want friends who like ME, not just the public persona I've constructed.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

In a sense it's very romantic: you were getting a preview of what life with this person would be like. How sweet! Hah.

EWWWWWW! You can leave what the cat did for me if you want. You are absolutely not required to do that chore!

I have no idea when we need to leave. You and Aaron were going to decide on a firm time to meet, right? When do we have to be there?

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

The take on this that would squick me is "I now have to re-mold myself into a more pleasing shape so that people will be willing to be my friend".

And that's where my brain went with it, and I got concerned. 'Cause I like smart, intelligent, silly, sarcastic CJ and was worried that you'd try to be something different to keep friends. And, dammit, I'm selfish and I like you how you are.

Your explanation helped me see that's not what you're thinking, though, and I'm glad. Emphasizing and polishing attributes are a lot different from changing them to try to please others, and sounds like a good growth exercise.

So I'll quit giving you a hard time now ;-)

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

We ended up with 7pm. But I'm probably going to be late -- I'm a muddy mess! I cleaned up my shoes so I'm not tracking mud through your beautiful house, but ewww, my pant legs!

P.S. I married 'them.' ;) He can be like that sometimes. Butthead, that's what.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you for being concerned on my behalf. It's a great compliment that you like who I am now and therefore don't want me to go replacing myself! :-)

No hard time perceived -- no worries.

(Hmm, sarcasm. Yeah, that's another thing I want to polish. It should be clever AND FUNNY! Funny is good.)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

1) I tend to walk, when alone or with others who walk similarly, very, very fast. If I know the person(s) I'm with can't or don't want to keep up my pace, I make sure they set the pace. Sometimes with Toni, I let her stay 1/2 step ahead or so, so I don't pass her. I don't choose who I am going to be friends with based on whether or not they can physically keep up with me. If I did, my egalitarian self would wonder why so many people would keep up with me, as physically, I'm not in the upper half in most respects.

2) Bah.

And I'm not saying that to stroke your ego, just presenting my own point of view on friendship. There are different things my different friends enjoy/can/want to do, and I do those different things with each of them.

I'll quit rambling now. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh crap, yes we're DEFINITELY going to be late. I can't even get to you by seven at this point, much less get both of us up the peninsula.

*snort* Fortunately he's a butthead with some good attributes, eh? :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And as long as my company is enjoyable in person, *perfect*. It'll all work out.

I too have had a touch of the background-noise issue -- enough that I can see how awfully annoying it would be to have to ask for repeats all the time. Bleh.

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

I'll call Aaron and tell him we'll be about half an hour late, maybe more. Then I'll go change my damned pants! It's ok, though -- I had fun getting them muddy. ;)

He has some wonderful attributes. Many of them. Sensitivity to the situations of those around him is NOT one of them.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

My natural walking speed used to be veryveryfast, too. I like your idea of letting the pace-setter be a half step ahead. Good way of keeping the paces linked!

And yeah, different things with different people... I guess I'm thinking more along the lines of: suppose I smelled really bad. That's something I could fix. It would affect how much people enjoyed spending time with me. Feet aren't something I can fix, but anything simple and fixable, why not? :)

Ramble away. I think I have to go now -- I just learned the time on tonight's meetup, and I'm ALREADY LATE!