Gimp social life

[cjsmith]

Another side effect of this week's social whirlwind is that I've blatantly overused my feet twice in less than a week. Twice in a week is very very bad. Part of me is whining that nobody invites me to all this fun stuff the rest of the year, and the saner part of me is replying that that's because I can't go. Part of me is whining that we did all that walking and really flared up my feet, and the saner part is replying that if people stayed within my limitations no one could have gone.

It hurts to realize that I really can't be doing these things. The day in Berkeley was lovely, but it's Wednesday now and I haven't recovered. I'm supposed to be babying my feet in the hopes of slow healing; this week has probably set me back what, a month? Two? If any healing is happening at all, of course.

(Mary, do you have a guess about how far we walked? A mile? It would be interesting to know.)

I will have to face the fact that I am sufficiently physically disabled that it is a factor in my social life.

1) A LJ-friend of mine posted a while back about his frustration walking with someone who was slow. Check, I thought, likely no in-person friendship with this one. I want people to hang out with me because THEY WANT TO, not because they are being virtuous and suppressing their frustration. Heck, I'm angry and frustrated enough about this issue for several people! I don't need others being bothered by me!

2) If I need special consideration for walking and parking and all that jazz, that changes the equation of how fun it is to be around me. It can be annoying when one person is putting limitations on a group's activity. At the end of the day, what matters is whether everybody had a good time. To push that equation over to the positive side, I need to offer more of something else good -- more laughter, more helpfulness, more insight, more creativity, goodness knows what -- than I would need if I didn't have physical limitations butting in.

Therefore, my friends and I will self-select. People who don't want to hang around a gimp won't. People who don't want to wait won't. I'll hang out less with people who seem frustrated or who run on ahead of me, because damn bringing up the rear all the time is humiliating. Those who do choose to be with me will be doing it because it's worth their while... and for right now, I'll be over here figuring out what it is that will make it worth their while. There WILL BE something. There probably already is. For my sanity I want to be aware of what that is, and nurture it.

Comments

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

Today I had lunch with a friend I don't see too often because she's always busy. It's April-in-January today, 66º (!), so I said I was going for a walk afterward. She asked if I'd like to go together, and I was happy to.

But this is her month off (she's a college professor), and she's been working out every day on the treadmill, so she went charging off. To make a long story short, I could keep up with her on level ground at first, but both uphill and downhill are hard for me, so she just slowed down whenever I needed to. (She was also very flexible about stopping to let me look at the waterfowl, but when I'm alone I've been known to take four hours to cover the 2½ mile circuit around the lake, so I tried to keep the stops infrequent and brief as a compromise.)

But since I'm used to stopping a lot more, I started to poop out about halfway around. I felt bad about interrupting the walk, but she was fine about stopping to sit on a bench until I was ready to resume the walk.

I have another friend who is taller than I, more fit than I, and wants aerobic exercise. Occasionlly we go for a walk, and she'll keep her pace to mine until I slow way down on a hill or need to stop to rest for a minute, and then she just walks ahead, turns around and comes back, and just keeps going until I get back to level ground or am ready to continue ... it's kind of like walking with an eager puppy, actually, but it works.

With friends who aren't as adaptable, I can do other things. I can always manage to go out for lunch or dinner or coffee/tea with a friend!

This is a huge loss, CJ -- do give yourself permission to grieve. Just as life goes on after even the most hideous loss, your life will go on. It may not be the life you wanted or planned for, but it will be a good one.

But any loss needs to be grieved, so don't get down on yourself for feeling depressed and sad about it for awhile, just as you would if someone close to you died. You know what I've been through, and I'm enjoying life. You will too. Grieving is work, but you can't avoid it. Cry when you need to, pound the table and yell "it's not fair!!!" when you need to, give yourself the space and time to adjust.

And remember, I've been there, so any time you want to talk, just e-mail me at my LJ address.