cjsmith | Etiquette questions for any Catholics out there

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Etiquette questions for any Catholics out there

Remember my foot problems?

I have a wedding to attend tomorrow. It's a full-on stand-up-a-bunch Catholic mass for a very, very devout couple. I will be dressed nicely (hisssss) which means GIRL SHOES (double hisssssssss).

My orthotics don't fit in girl shoes. I can't stand for more than a couple minutes without them before I'm in a fair bit of pain, and you would probably laugh to see me try to walk. I can, it's just that it's pathetic. And that's *barefoot* -- never mind the immense stupidity of elevating the heel and putting any weight on the ball of the foot. Yet I simply do not have any shoes that are Societally Acceptable(tm) that would be healthy for my feet. Frankly, I don't think there ARE such things. Not for GIRLS (hissssss).

If I wear girl shoes the inflammation will probably be back down to today's levels by next Wednesday, maybe a little longer depending on how much standing I do. Friday at the worst, I'd guess.

So - A POLL! What should I do? Please, people familiar with Catholic Mass, tell me. What's disrespectful, what's rude, what's acceptable and what's not? In case it makes a difference, I'll note here that I am not and have never been Catholic, and that I know exactly two people at this entire thing:

rfrench and the bride. Oh, and that I have no wedding-appropriate clothing that goes even remotely reasonably well with black shoes.

[LJ-CUT TEXT="But you don't look sick"]

[Poll #470999]

Oh, I forgot to add options for "Get the @#$! over yourself, it's no big deal." Feel free to write that in. :-)

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wear what doesn't hurt regardless of how they look. shoes are irrelevant.

if you can stand, stand. if not, sit. you aren't catholic, you aren't required to show your devotion.

and yes, i am catholic. or was raised so, anyway.

agreed. definitely don't cause yourself pain, absolutely not.

wear what doesn't hurt regardless of how they look. shoes are irrelevant.

if you can stand, stand. if not, sit. you aren't catholic, you aren't required to show your devotion.

This. And I was raised Catholic (although I'm not anymore).

I grew up Catholic, and appearances weren't that big a deal. I don't think the bride would want you to wear something that caused you to be in a lot of pain. (Actually, I think if the bride NOTICES your shoes, she is not NEARLY as distracted as she should be on her own wedding day.) If a cane actually helps you at all, I would totally bring it along as a prop and probably sit during the standing bits, and also wear the most comfortable shoes that I could stand wearing with formal clothing.

I grew up Catholic and all of my sibs weddings were in the Catholic Church. Last Catholic wedding I went to was a year or so ago. Seriously, it just doesn't matter anymore. Mass has gotten laid back here in Illinois, so there is a good chance it has there too.

Plus at weddings (and funerals) they assume there are going to be non-Catholics there and they cut some slack. At my dad's funeral they even explained some stuff so everyone could choose to participate if they want.

But most of all, no one will be looking at your feet especially the bride. She will be in her own little happy world and everyone will be happily paying attention to her and not your feet.

Be comfortable. I am sure that no one would want to find out after the fact you wore special pretty girl shoes to make them happy and they HURT you. (More than the regular old girl shoes hurt factor.) They invited you because they want you there to celebrate with them, not your shoes.

Ok, I kept going a bit. Sorry about that!

Honey, wear whatever you need to be comfortable. If anyone is rude enough to say something, just smile sweetly and walk away. Or launch into a long, detailed explaination ;-)

Do as much at the reception as you feel up to, as far as walking around, dancing, etc. Personally, when I got married, I wasn't too worried about what everyone else was wearing, I was happy they came to the party.

It's OK if you have to sit. No one is going to throw you out. If you are concerned about what others will think, go ahead and borrow a cane. But really, it's not necessary.

I was going to suggest that you pick one really crucial part of Mass during which to stand - but ya know what? You're not Catholic. And it's nobody's business why you aren't standing anyway.

The priest and any Catholic attendees will understand that not everyone at the wedding is Catholic. It's OK.

Just so. Actually, sitting is fairly inconspicuous, insofar as there are usually at least one or two people in church who are physically unable to cope with all that sitting and standing. (The cane's a brilliant idea, btw. Not in the sense that you ought to do it, just that the idea was very elegant.)

If you have time, try to find some of Birkenstock's girlie shoes. They do make them -- I have a pair of black sandals which actually look graceful, not all clunky and thick. They're my very favorite summer shoes. Don't know that your orthotics would fit, but they're way the heck better than typical girlie shoes that pinch my toes, or raise my heels, or hurt my arches...

Hmmm. Hold on a second. [goes rummaging in closet for the shoebox...]

Ah, here they are: http://www.pathfindersbirkenstock.com/sandals/morgan.htm

(good heavens, I did not pay $140 for them!)

Oo, those are nice! Thanks!

...But I should add that everyone else here is completely 100% correct. Wear something that you're comfortable in, and don't worry if they don't happen to be "church" shoes. And, yes, do sit for parts of the service that you don't want to stand for; people sit through hymns etc. in our church all the time. (Episcopalian, not Catholic, but close enough.)

Do and wear whatever you need not to aggravate your feet and be as comfortable as possible. They (the bride and groom) should understand.

What everybody said. No one's going to want you to cripple yourself for fashion. And, no offense, but in the relative order of points of importance of the day, the shoes of a not closely-related guest fall very, very low to anyone but said guest.

I thought that crippling yourself for fashion was what most of women's fashion was about (but, hey, I'm a gay man, what do I know).

But, seriously, I agree with genderfur and just be respectful. I would suggest that you try to get a seat on the aisle (I know, hard to do, but sit near the back) so that when others are standing, you can look down the aisle & see something other than backs.

Dude, this is why I didn't go to women's fashion's wedding. Fuck her.

Ayep -- "get over myself". (I do recognize that people are there for the bride and groom, not for CJ's shoes!) Excellent. Thanks!

I always wear my SAS shoes with my orthotics. (Okay, once in a while I'll wear boots with orthotics for a couple of hours and then cry from pain.) If people think it looks funny with a dress, well, too bad.

That's probably why I don't wear skirts or dresses very often. Pants rule!

I don't need to repeat what others said, so I'll point up a couple of side angles.

Don't "kneel instead of stand". It's not respectful to do a different thing. Show respect by staying seating and being attentive (which is hard to do when you're surrounded by backs).

And don't worry abouat apologizing to the bride, or even explaining. When I got married, I could barely put two words together. I certainly couldn't understand any sentence of more than three words. She won't notice, I'm sure.

And if anyone is rude enough to be paying attention to your shoes, I hope they'll also notice that you don't get up much at all, and when you do, you walk painfully.

Don't "kneel instead of stand". It's not respectful to do a different thing.

Ah - thanks for this tidbit. In the dim recesses of memory I thought I had seen, or heard of, people who knelt because they couldn't stand. Evidently not! :-)

Oh well, there is also kneeling in a Mass. Mebbe that's what you're thinking of.

In general, it's more respectful to respectfully not do the thing that you are an outsider to, than to try to "fit in" when you don't know what you're doing or what the significance is. Um, imho of course. [g]

I read a great book once, called "How to be a perfect stranger" and it was about how to behave as a stranger to a religion when you're there for a ceremony such as a wedding or baptism-equivalent. (Did that make sense?) It covered every xian sect there is, plus 3 or 4 other religions. :-/

My sister got married to a devout Catholic... at one point the priest said to give the kiss of peace to the person next to us. I looked at this unfamiliar woman and said "I'm not Catholic". She said "I'm not Catholic". So we shook hands.

I'm glad my church didn't make us kiss people. We always just shook hands.

Everybody's different, of course. But for me a wedding is about celebrating love and commitment, not following every tradition of the church. Heck, even if you were going to Sunday mass, I would say feel free not to stand if it hurts, and that goes doubly for a wedding. You are there to support the bride, and that is all. So I see be comfortable, whether than means wearing safe shoes or not standing, whatever you can live with. If you want to explain to the bride at some point, fine, although I'd only do it after the ceremony. Last thing she needs to be thinking about before or during the wedding is how uncomfortable her friend will be every time people stand up. :)

As for the reception, I say get out of those shoes and into something you can wear comfortable as soon as possible. I can all but guarantee the wedding party and many of the female guests will be out of their heals as soon as it comes time to dance anyway.

I can all but guarantee the wedding party and many of the female guests will be out of their heals as soon as it comes time to dance anyway.

*nods*
my one and only stint as a bridesmaid had me in one-size-too-small shoes with 2" heels. those babies came off the *second* the official stuff was over, and i never wore them again.

*shudders at the crimes committed against women's feet*

what they said. be respectful during the service, but don't kill yourself over girlshoes! i've sat through many a catholic wedding while others took communion and all that. i've also had to plan ahead and do things differently in order to be comfortable.

do what you're comfortable with at the reception. ask for a makeshift ice pack if you need one (or pack a small cooler with your own) and pick an out-of-the-way spot to prop your feet up on a chair. i've seen MUCH worse at a wedding reception!

Wanna borrow my cane? it's nice for two reasons: 1) visual clue that you're not "fine" (although it seems to open up the "what's wrong with you?" can o'worms) and 2) weapon disguised as assistive device! people get too close to stepping on your feel, you can smack 'em with it. (i should know; i've knocked over little kids and thwacked gorgeous rock stars with mine!)

As a wise woman (http://www.livejournal.com/users/cjsmith/) once told me: "take care of yourself"!!

Having been to catholic wedding as a non catholic, I say don't worry about it. The cane will help - people will see you have a foot problem. But you don't have to stand (I did when I went to be polite).

As far as the reception goes, many women de-shoe to dance. I wouldn't worry about it. If you are sitting with other people you know at the table, they'll know you have foot issues.

You know, nobody is going to be looking at your feet. Just wear something comfortable.

Kneeling is the traditional method for people who cannot stand. If you remain seated, you will be very obvious and it may appear disrespectful. The periods of standing are generally about five minutes (or fewer) at a time. You can try standing if you'd like and then switch to kneeling if it doesn't work out. You can even switch to kneeling while everyone is still standing -- you don't have to wait for the next round of standing. But do not remain sitting (unless others also remain sitting, in which case you won't accidentally look like you're being disrespectful). It's kind of a group thing really.

They are expecting non-Catholics. If you were a non-Catholic randomnly showing up to a mass, you would see some notes addressed to you inside the missal (papercover booklets stored in the backs of pews). These notes ask you to try to follow along, but not get worked up about it.

Don't worry about signaling anything. The tradition of people kneeling instead of standing is so strong that people will understand. You especially see it during weekday masses, which are mostly attended by the elderly.

Do try and sit behind someone whose ass you'd like to check out. I have had many religious experiences in church with careful seating choices.

As to the reception itself, just do what your feet say is all right.

Lastly, don't worry about wearing nice shoes, especially if you are concerned that people might misinterpret you as disrespectful. They will see you in your pretty dress and your comfy shoes and they'll get it.

Kneeling is the traditional method for people who cannot stand.

Ah - I *wasn't* insane! I thought I had seen this somewhere in the dim misty reaches of my memory.

Turns out there were no kneelers and no kneeling -- I guess I overestimated the formality.

Thanks! 8-)

Seriously, get yerself a crutch and a cast, and sit in a corner and stay down!

Or, at least, wear comfortable shoes.

Short and sweet: Your health is job #1. If your feet can't take a Catholic, then you do what you can. If your friend is so devout that she takes this ceremony more seriously than your health, well...

Ouch, you have my foot-sympathy!

For interviews or an office job where I needed shoes that would look "nice" & yet be able to hold my orthotics, I purchased a pair of Josef Seibel Tia (http://www.footwearetc.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=155-87005)s. The velcro flap holds the top of my foot in place & with thin socks (and the original insole removed) there's just enough space for my orthotic & my foot. The angle of the incline of the Tia's footbed was also just right for me not to put pressure on my arthritic big toe joint. I'd tried another shoe that had the same sole on it, but with laces, and for some reason the way it was constructed changed the angle of the footbed just enough that it made it uncomfortable. (This surprised the knowledgeable Footwear Etc. (http://www.footwearetc.com/) salesman who was helping me because most people would not notice such a subtle change.)

I also bought a pair of black BeautiFeel Bella (http://www.footwearetc.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=706)s for shoes with a small heel for more formal occasions -- but for that one, my custom-cast prescription orthotic is much too thick to fit. Instead, I have a 3/4 dress-shoe (over-the-counter) plastic insole in it which gives me some arch support but does nothing for the ball of my foot where the toe joint gives me trouble. I have found my pain-free standing time to be limited when when wearing these shoes.

As for the wedding if you don't have girl shoes that fit your orthotic. I'm not Catholic, but if it were me, I'd rather you be comfortable -- whether that means wearing your regular shoes or sitting or both.

Good luck!
-- Shadopanther

Enjoy the wedding! Toast your friend.

Shoes? What shoes?

I'm not a Catholic, but if I were the bride I'd want you to be happy and comfortable. Drop her a note explaining why you'll have ugly shoes, and I think that'll settle it. A longer skirt might help make it less obvious, if that's an option.

If it's a very strict church, then borrow a cane or (better yet) a pair of crutches. Make sure to keep the cane or crutches in plain view.

In a Christian or Jewish place of worship, you should not be required to sit, stand, kneel, or do any physical motions that would cause you pain.

If anyone tells you differently ... take care of yourself by leaving.

You might also want to call the bride and explain your current disability (and don't shirk from calling it a physical disability!), and let her know of your physical limitations.

I am absolutely certain that any bride who's worthy of being a friend of yours will understand instantly and not be offended. If she's offended, then don't go. (And don't send a gift.)

I'm late but I echo everyone's senitments re: take care of your feet first. The last Catholic wedding I was at (last fall), I spent most of my time during the ceremony sitting down with N, telling her to "shhhhh."
Your presence is what's requested and your comfort.
Catholic Mass is waay more laid back than some would think (at least these days).
Hope you had fun.

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