Ambien: A Play in Two Scenes

[cjsmith]

Scene 1. A suburban home. Evening.

ME: I just took Ambien. Don't trust anything I say or do after this.
ROB: Okay.
MY BRAIN: Status good. All systems norm - OHHHH THE COLORRRRRS.
ROB: Huh?
MY BODY: Bathroom NOW. *stumble stumble*
MY BRAIN: Vision off line. Systems shutting down. Tactile reliability 50% and falling.
MY BODY: *efficiently rejects most recent input*
ROB: Uh oh.
LAST VESTIGE OF BRAIN: The flush handle is probably cold and hard. Find that.
BRAIN: *gone*
MY BODY: *collapse*

...

ME: Why am I lying on the bathroom floor in a cheery beam of sunshine?
MY WATCH: La-laaaa! Good morning! It's 8AM! La-la!
MY LIMBS: *twitch* *flail* About TIME! *convulse* Could we have some CIRCULATION here?


Scene 2. The same suburban home, the same night, from Rob's point of view.

ME: I just took Ambien.
ROB: Oh shit. Hide the car keys.
ME: Whoooooooa colorrrrrs.
ROB: Car keys HIDDEN. Laptop SHUT DOWN. Front door DEADBOLTED. House alarm on INSTANT TRIGGER.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Glass of water set on bathroom sink. Note about car keys written and placed near purse.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: *hides in bedroom*
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Was that a noise?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Is she getting up?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Can I keep her from getting to the knives in the kitchen?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: I'm sure I heard a noise.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Gad, what time is it any--- HOLY SHIT HERE SHE IS AAAAAAGH.
ME [whispering]: I'm putting my blanket and pillow back on the bed.
ROB: Go way I'm sleeping.
ME [perky]: Okiebye!

I have found a drug that takes insomnia away from one spouse and gives it to the other.

Comments

[antayla.livejournal.com]

And you do this because.... ?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Because insomnia is worse. Duh. :-)

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

The other half of last night:

CJ [lying in bed, doing Kakuro]: Oooo look at the colors!
Rob [looking at book]: The page is black and white.
CJ [staring spaced-out at the book]: Oooo red swirlies!
Rob [checking again]: Really, it's black and white.
CJ: Ooooo!
Rob: Lie down, go to sleep.
CJ: Who's pushing on the bed?
Rob: No one is pushing on the bed. Go to sleep.
CJ: Really, who's pushing on the bed?
Rob: No one!
CJ: Really? This is bad shit.
Rob: Go to sleep.
CJ [sitting up in the darkness]: Are there two red dots staring at me in the darkness.
Rob: Yes.
CJ: Is half the room brighter than the other half?
Rob: Yes.
CJ: I better lie down.
Rob: Yes, go to sleep.
CJ: Uh oh (runs to bathroom).
Rob: This is going to be a loooong night.

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to laugh at your misery, but this is hilarious!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I wish I could describe what things looked like during that time. Intellectually I know, and knew dimly even then, that my bathroom fixtures are white, but the best description I can come up with hovers between "It's all brown and green and scintillating" and "Every pixel is a different color and there are tiny cracks all through it."

I think doctors should refuse to prescribe Ambien to anyone who hasn't had good solid practice first with some of the illegal stuff.

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

I second that. Omg...remind me _never_ take that stuff.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

For some people it works great, with no weird side effects, hallucinations, or memory lapses. Others are like me. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm wiping my eyes from laughing so hard! I had forgotten most of this, but it allllll comes back again reading your comment!

edit: And by "This is bad shit," I meant the Ambien was bad shit; I had enough conceptual processing left at that point to know just how awfully unreliable I was and why.

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

If you're going to have this much fun, you really need a clown poster.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad I don't have one. I suppose that wouldn't stop me. At that point reality was completely irrelevant.

[aquarian-azalea.livejournal.com]

The first time I took Ambien I was pretty scared when the blinds, blankets, and bookcase all started undulating in a way that inanimate objects normally do not move. It freaked me out but I didn't want to close my eyes because I suddenly felt very creative and wanted to write. But the paper, pen, and computer screen all refused to stay still long enough for me to write. It helps me sleep a tiny bit, so I take it maybe once every 2 months but only if I don't have to be anywhere the next morning--it gives me a hangover.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, that was the other thing - stuff moved! I was having trouble doing the number puzzles because the lines wouldn't stay put on the paper.

I gotta hand it to 'em, though: I slept. Wow. And I really do feel pretty good this morning.

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

isn't that feeling *wonderful*!?! i'm so glad you got some good quality sleep out of it.

Darvocet gave me a good trip the first couple times, but not any more. pity. it makes for such wonderful LJ fodder!

[mnhwy11.livejournal.com]

OH MY! This is one of the funniest posts I have read in a while.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I usually don't think to wonder why human doctors don't dose by body weight, but this is one of the times it occurs to me. (I probably weigh in the mid-120s by now.) Gah. :-)

What the hell?

[meep.livejournal.com]

This stuff is legal?

They never gave me anything this interesting in the hospital.

Re: What the hell?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I should have been required to go practice first with the illegal stuff!

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you should look into Lunestra. I understand people who have... side effects with Ambien can sometimes use Lunestra successfully.

Um... wow.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

For the next ten days, this is what I've got. I am considering taking a half a pill tonight -- or maybe going entirely without, and if that's unbearable, trying a half a pill tomorrow night. I suspect half a pill is enough to let me sleep well. After all, I threw up most of last night's dose and still wound up unconscious on a linoleum floor for a good eight hours.

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

"There's a time and a place for everything- and it's called college!"
- South Park (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0121955/quotes)

Oh, right. Carry on.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I can't use that excuse! ...er, maybe I can. Right-o.

[ashiegrrrl.livejournal.com]

Yes, being one of those people, Lunesta worked well for me.

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

Wow. ... Wow. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that was really something. And it was just the medicine to counter one side effect of the main medicine. All I have to do is keep documenting it, hopefully in amusing ways, 'cause I am in for a FUN ride!

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

I look forward to future installments!

(Do take care, though.)

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Oh My. Yes, that does sound like an Acid Trip gone awry. And yes, I've heard of such reactions in people. Some people apparently do a lot of sleepwalking on Ambien, so concern over hiding the knives is not terribly misplaced.

I am now terribly pleased that my own recent experiment with Ambien appears to have resulted in nothing more than SLEEP. I mean... wow.

Might I suggest Melatonin, or even L-Tryptophan?? (though I imagine you've probably tried those already).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, we'd heard horror stories of people sleep-driving, so the concern was based in (at least some small segment of) reality.

Which is better than last night as a whole, which was not at all based in reality. :-)

Melatonin takes a while to get running, for me, but I'll at least take it for a few nights and see if I can get some results. I'm also considering pill-splitting an Ambien and taking half.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I'm visualizing you sleep-cooking, and shuddering.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA! My cooking is bad ENOUGH when I'm AWAKE! Oh man, that's an awful image!

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

I quit taking Ambien after a sleep cooking incident (I really didn't want the rice anyway). It's a very good thing my son smelled the burning rice and turned the stove off. He said he found me in the living room with the TV on and trying to get a cold drink straw into my mouth in very slow motion.

There's an idea for a TV show, strange things people do taking Ambien.

I do miss the good sleep I got taking Ambien.

[lizzie-omalley.livejournal.com]

I have never tried Ambien but I do frequently take half the recomended dose of things because I tend to be rather sensitive to drugs. I weigh in at about 115 or so. There was a point in time when I was on hard core sinus meds for chronic sinus infections. That was a combination of a decongetant and an antihistimine. I was amped up from the decongestant and depressed from the antihistimine. I found that for them, I needed 1/4 the recomended dose.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

There are so incredibly many factors in dosage and drug response it's amazing anything works right. Some things, people with more body fat should take LESS of, because they dissolve in fatty tissue (& then hit the bloodstream) more readily. Some things depend on whether you happen to have the efficient or the inefficient vitamin C pathway, or any of a hundred other tweaks. But every so often I hit one like this and my first thought is "oh shit, we forgot I'm not very large". Compared to the average adult human -- especially when you consider both men and women in the mix -- you and I are definitely on the small end!

[bendoutdoors.livejournal.com]

Wow, Ambien doesn't have such interesting side effects for me. I take one on overseas flights with my meal, curl up and sleep happily until breakfast. I clearly need to find some more interesting drugs (especially for use prior to square dancing :-) ).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Two Ambien? ;-) Or perhaps if people who hallucinate on Ambien don't on Lunesta, maybe you ought to try Lunesta. You never know! It might keep those other square dancers in their places!

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

I'd laugh if it weren't - no, I laughed :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, so did I - the entire next day. I read Rob's comment and all the breath emptied right out of my lungs I was laughing so hard, and an hour or two later I'd come back and read it again and the same thing would happen... :-)

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Gee. Randy was just happy that I shut up under the influence.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I was the opposite, at least until I went darn near comatose. No wonder Rob was less than pleased. :-)

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

I don't mind comatose - I just mind Night of the Living Dead. Zombieeees!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Sleep last night sucked, so be warned, I'm going to try a half dose tonight. :-(

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

I have the pepper spray ready!

[firecat]

gee, they give prescriptions for that stuff? we used to have to buy it in back alleys.