Ambien: A Play in Two Scenes

[cjsmith]

Scene 1. A suburban home. Evening.

ME: I just took Ambien. Don't trust anything I say or do after this.
ROB: Okay.
MY BRAIN: Status good. All systems norm - OHHHH THE COLORRRRRS.
ROB: Huh?
MY BODY: Bathroom NOW. *stumble stumble*
MY BRAIN: Vision off line. Systems shutting down. Tactile reliability 50% and falling.
MY BODY: *efficiently rejects most recent input*
ROB: Uh oh.
LAST VESTIGE OF BRAIN: The flush handle is probably cold and hard. Find that.
BRAIN: *gone*
MY BODY: *collapse*

...

ME: Why am I lying on the bathroom floor in a cheery beam of sunshine?
MY WATCH: La-laaaa! Good morning! It's 8AM! La-la!
MY LIMBS: *twitch* *flail* About TIME! *convulse* Could we have some CIRCULATION here?


Scene 2. The same suburban home, the same night, from Rob's point of view.

ME: I just took Ambien.
ROB: Oh shit. Hide the car keys.
ME: Whoooooooa colorrrrrs.
ROB: Car keys HIDDEN. Laptop SHUT DOWN. Front door DEADBOLTED. House alarm on INSTANT TRIGGER.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Glass of water set on bathroom sink. Note about car keys written and placed near purse.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: *hides in bedroom*
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Was that a noise?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Is she getting up?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Can I keep her from getting to the knives in the kitchen?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: I'm sure I heard a noise.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Gad, what time is it any--- HOLY SHIT HERE SHE IS AAAAAAGH.
ME [whispering]: I'm putting my blanket and pillow back on the bed.
ROB: Go way I'm sleeping.
ME [perky]: Okiebye!

I have found a drug that takes insomnia away from one spouse and gives it to the other.

Comments

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

The other half of last night:

CJ [lying in bed, doing Kakuro]: Oooo look at the colors!
Rob [looking at book]: The page is black and white.
CJ [staring spaced-out at the book]: Oooo red swirlies!
Rob [checking again]: Really, it's black and white.
CJ: Ooooo!
Rob: Lie down, go to sleep.
CJ: Who's pushing on the bed?
Rob: No one is pushing on the bed. Go to sleep.
CJ: Really, who's pushing on the bed?
Rob: No one!
CJ: Really? This is bad shit.
Rob: Go to sleep.
CJ [sitting up in the darkness]: Are there two red dots staring at me in the darkness.
Rob: Yes.
CJ: Is half the room brighter than the other half?
Rob: Yes.
CJ: I better lie down.
Rob: Yes, go to sleep.
CJ: Uh oh (runs to bathroom).
Rob: This is going to be a loooong night.

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to laugh at your misery, but this is hilarious!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I wish I could describe what things looked like during that time. Intellectually I know, and knew dimly even then, that my bathroom fixtures are white, but the best description I can come up with hovers between "It's all brown and green and scintillating" and "Every pixel is a different color and there are tiny cracks all through it."

I think doctors should refuse to prescribe Ambien to anyone who hasn't had good solid practice first with some of the illegal stuff.

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

I second that. Omg...remind me _never_ take that stuff.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

For some people it works great, with no weird side effects, hallucinations, or memory lapses. Others are like me. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm wiping my eyes from laughing so hard! I had forgotten most of this, but it allllll comes back again reading your comment!

edit: And by "This is bad shit," I meant the Ambien was bad shit; I had enough conceptual processing left at that point to know just how awfully unreliable I was and why.