Ambien: A Play in Two Scenes

[cjsmith]

Scene 1. A suburban home. Evening.

ME: I just took Ambien. Don't trust anything I say or do after this.
ROB: Okay.
MY BRAIN: Status good. All systems norm - OHHHH THE COLORRRRRS.
ROB: Huh?
MY BODY: Bathroom NOW. *stumble stumble*
MY BRAIN: Vision off line. Systems shutting down. Tactile reliability 50% and falling.
MY BODY: *efficiently rejects most recent input*
ROB: Uh oh.
LAST VESTIGE OF BRAIN: The flush handle is probably cold and hard. Find that.
BRAIN: *gone*
MY BODY: *collapse*

...

ME: Why am I lying on the bathroom floor in a cheery beam of sunshine?
MY WATCH: La-laaaa! Good morning! It's 8AM! La-la!
MY LIMBS: *twitch* *flail* About TIME! *convulse* Could we have some CIRCULATION here?


Scene 2. The same suburban home, the same night, from Rob's point of view.

ME: I just took Ambien.
ROB: Oh shit. Hide the car keys.
ME: Whoooooooa colorrrrrs.
ROB: Car keys HIDDEN. Laptop SHUT DOWN. Front door DEADBOLTED. House alarm on INSTANT TRIGGER.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Glass of water set on bathroom sink. Note about car keys written and placed near purse.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: *hides in bedroom*
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Was that a noise?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Is she getting up?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Can I keep her from getting to the knives in the kitchen?
ME: *total silence*
ROB: I'm sure I heard a noise.
ME: *total silence*
ROB: Gad, what time is it any--- HOLY SHIT HERE SHE IS AAAAAAGH.
ME [whispering]: I'm putting my blanket and pillow back on the bed.
ROB: Go way I'm sleeping.
ME [perky]: Okiebye!

I have found a drug that takes insomnia away from one spouse and gives it to the other.

Comments

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

I quit taking Ambien after a sleep cooking incident (I really didn't want the rice anyway). It's a very good thing my son smelled the burning rice and turned the stove off. He said he found me in the living room with the TV on and trying to get a cold drink straw into my mouth in very slow motion.

There's an idea for a TV show, strange things people do taking Ambien.

I do miss the good sleep I got taking Ambien.