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Frustration
Do you ever hear someone pontificating -- preaching -- about something that's fairly new to him and old hat to you? Under what circumstances does it or does it not bug you?
I find I can mostly shrug it off when it's about some kind of technical subject. If I know the speaker is a total fool or severely misinformed, then that's just the way it is, with no need for irritation. But I find I can't shrug it off when it's about living with foot pain or staying fit with a disability. Usually the preacher is not permanently disabled, just temporarily injured in some way, and my GOD the things they think are Big News to someone who's dealt with this for years. Sometimes I think the speaker is trying to be helpful; other times it's pretty clear the speaker is trying to chide me for how I handle things. In the latter case I just want to SLAP the person. My kinder side hopes karma doesn't work, because the appropriate end story to that one is a permanent disability with chronic pain.
Clearly my buttons are getting pushed. I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more. In the meantime, I hope I can mostly avoid that kind of person. I don't want to turn rude and bitter.
I find I can mostly shrug it off when it's about some kind of technical subject. If I know the speaker is a total fool or severely misinformed, then that's just the way it is, with no need for irritation. But I find I can't shrug it off when it's about living with foot pain or staying fit with a disability. Usually the preacher is not permanently disabled, just temporarily injured in some way, and my GOD the things they think are Big News to someone who's dealt with this for years. Sometimes I think the speaker is trying to be helpful; other times it's pretty clear the speaker is trying to chide me for how I handle things. In the latter case I just want to SLAP the person. My kinder side hopes karma doesn't work, because the appropriate end story to that one is a permanent disability with chronic pain.
Clearly my buttons are getting pushed. I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more. In the meantime, I hope I can mostly avoid that kind of person. I don't want to turn rude and bitter.
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The nice thing about sentences like this is that you can utterly ignore the answer. Spend the time that they're yakking on and on thinking about your next flight, or something. But the big thing is just not to engage. "How nice for you" is a great way to do that.
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I like invoking Unquestionable Authority to play a trump card on idiots' conversational aces. "I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing" is perfect -- we've been trained so thoroughly never to question a doctor! That works great until I bump into a doctor who isn't a neurologist, hasn't examined me, and doesn't have a diagnosis, but is sure he knows how to fix me. :-) Fortunately that's only one guy I don't see very often!
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Invoke the superior doctor on his ass!
Another good one (I am a Judith Martin addict) is, "Oh, thank you. I'll think about that." And for people who can't let go, just get all broken-recordy on them and keep repeating whatever the last thing was. Exactly, too - no paraphrasing. You want it to soak into the clueless boneheads that you're done talking about this topic, without actually having to say, "Let's change the subject."
Have you tried X treatment?
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
Have you seen X doctor?
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
Have you tried X miracle drug?
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
But what about X? I saw it on Oprah!
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
The key is *not*engage*. They're boiling your blood, but do your best not to give them any opening to continue the conversation.
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I've been getting pamphlets continually from another helpful person to whom I said years ago "Thank you. I'll think about that." Every time I see her she asks whether I've gone yet to her favorite snake oil place. I wonder when I'm going to run out of "thinking about that" and have to break it to her.
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That last is the really hard part, but if you can have something stored up like, "... but let me tell you about my last trip, okay? It was really beautiful..." it can be helpful. Start talking and just sort of sweep them along with you.
If they're SO clueless as to try to bring it up again, then you can be really blunt: "Thank you, I'm not interested." No "...but, I appreciate your help" kinds of qualifying phrases. Don't soften it. It's hard to do, but do it.
Then if they *still* keep it up, you're perfectly justified in saying, "I don't want to discuss this further. I'm going to go to the buffet/restroom/whatever now." And then you walk away.
Now then, ask me: have I ever done all this? No, I've only gotten to step two. I'm not great at the smooth subject-change, but I'm working on it (and my work as a trainer is helping a lot, because I have to be able to regain control of a class discussion sometimes). But then again, most people aren't so rude as to keep this crap up with people who aren't their relatives (*g*).
It's not easy, but if you practice ahead of time, it's a lot less hard. Good luck to ya.
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A fair amount of that I truly don't mind at all. At my previous job I was the go-to person for foot pain, because not only had I tried a lot of things, but enough people had also told me their own stories that I was a pretty good little reference library! I just wish I could HELP more often, y'know?
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It reminds me of the time (=cough=) I went to my Dad's funeral, and some idiot decided it was a good idea to say to my Grandma: "It's worse losing a child than a spouse". My Granddaddy died just the year before.
Some people can't help but step in it. Most of the time, they really do think they're being helpful. But they do end up looking like idiots.
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*hug*, just because, on behalf of everyone who has ever not known what to say at a funeral. (Myself included I'm sure.)
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Anyway, it was fascinating in a slow-motion car wreck sort of way. The best bit was watching the speaker's face as she realized that what she was nattering about wasn't the least bit appropriate. I give her a few points for that.
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Jinx!
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Smack smack smack!
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Isn't this clearly a case of Open Mouth, Insert Foot?
xoxo
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...good one.
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YES! That's it exactly! Thank you. (My eyes are suspiciously less dry than they were a moment ago. That's how perfect this is.)
I have a two week old migraine...
Re: I have a two week old migraine...
My non-kinder side says a permanent disability with chronic pain and snotty little healthier-than-thou people preaching at them. For the rest of their lives. ;-)
Thank you. :-)
Re: I have a two week old migraine...
And I have to teach square dancing to children. The irony isn't lost on me.
I think I love your non-kinder side.
BTW, I've been reading 'kinder' as chocolate-egg-with-a-surprise-in-it since I started reading this thread. That's kin-der, not kind-er. I keep grinning at my own silliness. :)
Re: I have a two week old migraine...
Mmm, kinder eggs! :-)
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I don't object when someone who also has a chronic disorder shares their experience with me, what works and what doesn't work for them. But I hate it when people who once had a sprained ankle think they know how I feel and tell me what I should do.
I also had the experience with inappropriate comments about a death that a couple of other people mentioned. When I lost my husband at the age of 37, I was infuriated by people who said things like, "Oh, I know how you feel. I felt the same when when my [relative] died a few years ago." Now, I don't care how close someone is to their relative, it is not the same as losing a husband!
I actually had someone say to me, "It's not as bad for you because you were only married for a couple of years. You can just go back to being who you were before you got married. It's much harder for women who were married for 40 or 50 years. They're so used to doing everything together, and they have to learn how to pay the bills and balance their checkbook. You already know how to do all that stuff."
I was so enraged by that one that I had to put all my concentration into not slapping them. Consequently I have no memory of what I said or did in response -- I just remember the outrageous comment. I almost never have an impulse to hit anyone, but I sure did that day! Fortunately I also don't remember who said it, so I'm not stuck with a grudge. A lot of (mostly unintentional) insensitive things that were said to me at that time, but that one definitely takes the cake.
I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more.
I wouldn't link acceptance of a physical problem with not having buttons to push. After 24 years of living with chronic pain disorders, I've accepted that this is who I am now -- but I still have buttons that get pushed.
At the beginning, the idea of acceptance feels like an admission of defeat. Most people who become disabled go through a period of denial, and fight to continue living the same way and doing the same things.
I sure did. I kept insisting "I can do whatever I want, I just pay for it afterward" (by being immobilized by pain and fatigue for three days). It took a few years, but when I finally accepted that I had a different body now and couldn't do the same things I'd done before, it was so much better. Life became so much easier, less stressful, more peaceful.
It's not defeat -- it's just reality. But it doesn't mean you'll turn rude and bitter. You're still CJ. Your body is different now, but your mind and heart are still the same. The people who turn rude and bitter are the people who would have turned rude and bitter anyway -- they just do it sooner and more intensely. You won't because not wanting to means you won't.
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This person is a schmuck. And that's my kinder voice talking! I was sixteen when my father died, and I still remember the difficulties I had not hitting people with a stick (or a coffin handle ripped off in rage) at some of the insensitive statements.
That you didn't slap the twit is to your credit, and that you've managed to block it even more so!
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I was sixteen when my father died, too. I don't really recall any particular comments, but I do remember spending more and more time in my room when people came over instead of being out in the living room like I was supposed to be. So I suspect there were some annoying things said that I just didn't want to deal with any more.
When my mother died the only really horrible comment came from her late husband's daughter. But they strongly disliked each other, so I wasn't terribly surprised. She was probably being intentionally cruel, so that doesn't count as insensitivity, just willful bitchiness.
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Ugh. That is above and beyond awful. That is just heinous.
I wouldn't link acceptance of a physical problem with not having buttons to push.
Oh, good point! I just meant buttons related to the physical problem and my nonacceptance thereof. I'm human; I'll always have buttons of SOME sort! :-)
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No, no, that's not what I meant! I did mean buttons regarding your physical condition. Even though I've accepted my chronic pain conditions, I still get annoyed at things sometimes. You can accept a chronic health issue as being the way your body is now, without becoming apathetic about it.
It's hard to explain, but it's kind of a middle way. You're at one extreme now -- you still deeply resent this situation, so you're very prickly when people say stupid things. That doesn't mean you'll go all the way to the other extreme and become so apathetic about it that you don't care what anybody says any more, or so bitter that you don't care what you say any more.
It's much more likely that you'll end up in the middle, which is the best place to be. You -- that's a generic "you" here ... saying "one" sounds so stilted nowadays. You come to the realization -- emotionally, not just intellectually -- that your life has changed, and you accept your condition and learn to live with it. But you still care about it, you never accept it absolutely 100%. You still have enough wistfulness and occasional flashes of resentment to keep your buttons. But the springs will gradually get stronger so they'll be harder to push. The buttons will still be there and they will occasionally get pushed, but you'll be able to handle it when they do.
That's what I meant when I said not to link acceptance with not having buttons to push on the subject. Acceptance ≠ apathy, and acceptance ≠ bitterness either. That's the way it is for me, and from what I know of you, I think that's the way it will be for you too.
It just takes time. It's an enormous loss, and you have to go through the grieving process first, whatever form that takes for you. (It's a myth that everyone goes through the same stages in the same order.) Just be good to yourself, try to minimize stress where you can. And realize that the adjustment period won't last forever, and in your own time you'll come out the other side into relatively peaceful acceptance.
rude and bitter
could give me lessons, or maybe some sorta elixer or something
to make me that kind. Really, I think it is a great quality
that you still want to avoid becoming rude and/or bitter.
Me -- I do for sure want to slap people
at times -- but I can't tell ya WHICH times -- because sometimes
I'm a whole lot less bugged than others. I think it has more
to do with my overall sense of peace at the time than the topic
(although the topic matters somewhat too -- but occassionally
I'll just have a great light jokey response to something that
would usually get me all cranky, so it is not all "topic" with me).
As an example of crankiness that is pretty normal for me:
I get bugged by the "standard questions" for various things.
Such as "where do you get your protein?" and "what about
calcium?" (those are the top 2 questions in popularity -- I bet
you know the "category" -- but in case you don't, those are
under "questions you get asked if you are a vegetarian".)
When I had a broken foot I got irked with "did you get that
(injury) skiing?" and questions about the presumed pain in
the hurt foot (which did not hurt -- but much of the REST of
my body did). I have a general theory that there are "standard
questions" and "standard comments" for many situations.
Sometimes I manage good and non-bitchy answers, but often I do
not. I've met a couple other people who find the repeat
and "standard" questions and viewpoints really tiresome.
I do hope I'll someday outgrow my irritation. I try.
I try to give each person some sort of real response.
Often I let people know that they have just asked me a
"standard question". I do this to try to help them understand
if I seem a bit cranky, or just sound strained about the issue.
Usually people are just "trying to relate" -- trying to find
something to say about [whatever]. And sometimes it works out
just great. Usually they get they idea that this is not a Novel
Topic for me, that I know Way more about it than they want to
deal with, and we move on. The ones who are genuinely
interested in the subject stand out like crazy tho at this
point (that is the rare case) -- and we can go on and have an
interesting chat.
As for the Big News people, I would personally try to refrain
from slapping, but I would maybe work on something to say
along the lines of "oh, really? Well, I've had this (condition
or situation or foot thing or whatever) for x years/months
and I have known about x thing you are talking about for x
years." That probably qualifies as "rude" though? (does it?)
So, um, on a really good day I could add "thanks for letting
me know, but it is not news to me". (Does that count as rude?)
Now, some days I'd be more apt to say "I'm smarter than I look"
or "I've heard of that". More rude.
There was a radio program I listened to in the last couple of
days (I think it was Michael Krazny?) where the guest was a
guy who has been in a wheelchair for a good long while -- there
was a lot of discussion of how people treat disabled folks
poorly and that it is often unintentional and how hard it is to
respond in any useful way and the on-going issue this is for
people with various kinds of conditions. The word "condescending"
came up a lot in the discussion.
Oh, and MY comments here are also an example of "people talk about
themselves". Very true, and here I'm doing it. Having had
a bandaged-up finger (for weeks) and a broken foot, I was
AMAZED at how almost everyone has a finger or foot story.
And, yep, got tired of hearing them..... (although for me that
is probably better than the "did you hurt it skiing" thing).
Moria