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Do you ever hear someone pontificating -- preaching -- about something that's fairly new to him and old hat to you? Under what circumstances does it or does it not bug you?
I find I can mostly shrug it off when it's about some kind of technical subject. If I know the speaker is a total fool or severely misinformed, then that's just the way it is, with no need for irritation. But I find I can't shrug it off when it's about living with foot pain or staying fit with a disability. Usually the preacher is not permanently disabled, just temporarily injured in some way, and my GOD the things they think are Big News to someone who's dealt with this for years. Sometimes I think the speaker is trying to be helpful; other times it's pretty clear the speaker is trying to chide me for how I handle things. In the latter case I just want to SLAP the person. My kinder side hopes karma doesn't work, because the appropriate end story to that one is a permanent disability with chronic pain.
Clearly my buttons are getting pushed. I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more. In the meantime, I hope I can mostly avoid that kind of person. I don't want to turn rude and bitter.
I find I can mostly shrug it off when it's about some kind of technical subject. If I know the speaker is a total fool or severely misinformed, then that's just the way it is, with no need for irritation. But I find I can't shrug it off when it's about living with foot pain or staying fit with a disability. Usually the preacher is not permanently disabled, just temporarily injured in some way, and my GOD the things they think are Big News to someone who's dealt with this for years. Sometimes I think the speaker is trying to be helpful; other times it's pretty clear the speaker is trying to chide me for how I handle things. In the latter case I just want to SLAP the person. My kinder side hopes karma doesn't work, because the appropriate end story to that one is a permanent disability with chronic pain.
Clearly my buttons are getting pushed. I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more. In the meantime, I hope I can mostly avoid that kind of person. I don't want to turn rude and bitter.
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I don't object when someone who also has a chronic disorder shares their experience with me, what works and what doesn't work for them. But I hate it when people who once had a sprained ankle think they know how I feel and tell me what I should do.
I also had the experience with inappropriate comments about a death that a couple of other people mentioned. When I lost my husband at the age of 37, I was infuriated by people who said things like, "Oh, I know how you feel. I felt the same when when my [relative] died a few years ago." Now, I don't care how close someone is to their relative, it is not the same as losing a husband!
I actually had someone say to me, "It's not as bad for you because you were only married for a couple of years. You can just go back to being who you were before you got married. It's much harder for women who were married for 40 or 50 years. They're so used to doing everything together, and they have to learn how to pay the bills and balance their checkbook. You already know how to do all that stuff."
I was so enraged by that one that I had to put all my concentration into not slapping them. Consequently I have no memory of what I said or did in response -- I just remember the outrageous comment. I almost never have an impulse to hit anyone, but I sure did that day! Fortunately I also don't remember who said it, so I'm not stuck with a grudge. A lot of (mostly unintentional) insensitive things that were said to me at that time, but that one definitely takes the cake.
I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more.
I wouldn't link acceptance of a physical problem with not having buttons to push. After 24 years of living with chronic pain disorders, I've accepted that this is who I am now -- but I still have buttons that get pushed.
At the beginning, the idea of acceptance feels like an admission of defeat. Most people who become disabled go through a period of denial, and fight to continue living the same way and doing the same things.
I sure did. I kept insisting "I can do whatever I want, I just pay for it afterward" (by being immobilized by pain and fatigue for three days). It took a few years, but when I finally accepted that I had a different body now and couldn't do the same things I'd done before, it was so much better. Life became so much easier, less stressful, more peaceful.
It's not defeat -- it's just reality. But it doesn't mean you'll turn rude and bitter. You're still CJ. Your body is different now, but your mind and heart are still the same. The people who turn rude and bitter are the people who would have turned rude and bitter anyway -- they just do it sooner and more intensely. You won't because not wanting to means you won't.
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This person is a schmuck. And that's my kinder voice talking! I was sixteen when my father died, and I still remember the difficulties I had not hitting people with a stick (or a coffin handle ripped off in rage) at some of the insensitive statements.
That you didn't slap the twit is to your credit, and that you've managed to block it even more so!
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I was sixteen when my father died, too. I don't really recall any particular comments, but I do remember spending more and more time in my room when people came over instead of being out in the living room like I was supposed to be. So I suspect there were some annoying things said that I just didn't want to deal with any more.
When my mother died the only really horrible comment came from her late husband's daughter. But they strongly disliked each other, so I wasn't terribly surprised. She was probably being intentionally cruel, so that doesn't count as insensitivity, just willful bitchiness.
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Ugh. That is above and beyond awful. That is just heinous.
I wouldn't link acceptance of a physical problem with not having buttons to push.
Oh, good point! I just meant buttons related to the physical problem and my nonacceptance thereof. I'm human; I'll always have buttons of SOME sort! :-)
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No, no, that's not what I meant! I did mean buttons regarding your physical condition. Even though I've accepted my chronic pain conditions, I still get annoyed at things sometimes. You can accept a chronic health issue as being the way your body is now, without becoming apathetic about it.
It's hard to explain, but it's kind of a middle way. You're at one extreme now -- you still deeply resent this situation, so you're very prickly when people say stupid things. That doesn't mean you'll go all the way to the other extreme and become so apathetic about it that you don't care what anybody says any more, or so bitter that you don't care what you say any more.
It's much more likely that you'll end up in the middle, which is the best place to be. You -- that's a generic "you" here ... saying "one" sounds so stilted nowadays. You come to the realization -- emotionally, not just intellectually -- that your life has changed, and you accept your condition and learn to live with it. But you still care about it, you never accept it absolutely 100%. You still have enough wistfulness and occasional flashes of resentment to keep your buttons. But the springs will gradually get stronger so they'll be harder to push. The buttons will still be there and they will occasionally get pushed, but you'll be able to handle it when they do.
That's what I meant when I said not to link acceptance with not having buttons to push on the subject. Acceptance ≠ apathy, and acceptance ≠ bitterness either. That's the way it is for me, and from what I know of you, I think that's the way it will be for you too.
It just takes time. It's an enormous loss, and you have to go through the grieving process first, whatever form that takes for you. (It's a myth that everyone goes through the same stages in the same order.) Just be good to yourself, try to minimize stress where you can. And realize that the adjustment period won't last forever, and in your own time you'll come out the other side into relatively peaceful acceptance.