Frustration

[cjsmith]

Do you ever hear someone pontificating -- preaching -- about something that's fairly new to him and old hat to you? Under what circumstances does it or does it not bug you?

I find I can mostly shrug it off when it's about some kind of technical subject. If I know the speaker is a total fool or severely misinformed, then that's just the way it is, with no need for irritation. But I find I can't shrug it off when it's about living with foot pain or staying fit with a disability. Usually the preacher is not permanently disabled, just temporarily injured in some way, and my GOD the things they think are Big News to someone who's dealt with this for years. Sometimes I think the speaker is trying to be helpful; other times it's pretty clear the speaker is trying to chide me for how I handle things. In the latter case I just want to SLAP the person. My kinder side hopes karma doesn't work, because the appropriate end story to that one is a permanent disability with chronic pain.

Clearly my buttons are getting pushed. I wonder when my foot problems will be so firmly an accepted part of me that I don't even have buttons to push any more. In the meantime, I hope I can mostly avoid that kind of person. I don't want to turn rude and bitter.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

If the person's talking about himself, yeah, that could work well. But then I'm not as likely to be ticked, either. When the person is talking about Universal Truth -- this is the way it Always Is, doncha know, because it works for them -- then I don't really know what to say and I start to boil.

I like invoking Unquestionable Authority to play a trump card on idiots' conversational aces. "I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing" is perfect -- we've been trained so thoroughly never to question a doctor! That works great until I bump into a doctor who isn't a neurologist, hasn't examined me, and doesn't have a diagnosis, but is sure he knows how to fix me. :-) Fortunately that's only one guy I don't see very often!

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Oh! Well then.... "I've been working with my Stanford neurologist and we're happy with what we're doing. Oh, do you know him? Dr Lastname? Really, at a conference? Where was it? Did you like the trip?"

Invoke the superior doctor on his ass!

Another good one (I am a Judith Martin addict) is, "Oh, thank you. I'll think about that." And for people who can't let go, just get all broken-recordy on them and keep repeating whatever the last thing was. Exactly, too - no paraphrasing. You want it to soak into the clueless boneheads that you're done talking about this topic, without actually having to say, "Let's change the subject."

Have you tried X treatment?
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
Have you seen X doctor?
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
Have you tried X miracle drug?
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."
But what about X? I saw it on Oprah!
"Oh, I've been working with my doctors and we're happy with what we're doing."

The key is *not*engage*. They're boiling your blood, but do your best not to give them any opening to continue the conversation.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Stanford neurologist might just do the trick! I'll have to save that up for the next time I see this one guy. Last time I saw him I didn't "have" a Stanford neurologist. :-)

I've been getting pamphlets continually from another helpful person to whom I said years ago "Thank you. I'll think about that." Every time I see her she asks whether I've gone yet to her favorite snake oil place. I wonder when I'm going to run out of "thinking about that" and have to break it to her.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Well, according to Miss Manners, if she's so rude and/or clueless to actually interrogate you about it, they deserve to hear what they're going to hear. But you still have to do it nicely (unfortunately). "Thank you, but it's really not my style. And any treatment where I'm uncomfortable just isn't going to be as effective, is it?" and then *change the subject*.

That last is the really hard part, but if you can have something stored up like, "... but let me tell you about my last trip, okay? It was really beautiful..." it can be helpful. Start talking and just sort of sweep them along with you.

If they're SO clueless as to try to bring it up again, then you can be really blunt: "Thank you, I'm not interested." No "...but, I appreciate your help" kinds of qualifying phrases. Don't soften it. It's hard to do, but do it.

Then if they *still* keep it up, you're perfectly justified in saying, "I don't want to discuss this further. I'm going to go to the buffet/restroom/whatever now." And then you walk away.

Now then, ask me: have I ever done all this? No, I've only gotten to step two. I'm not great at the smooth subject-change, but I'm working on it (and my work as a trainer is helping a lot, because I have to be able to regain control of a class discussion sometimes). But then again, most people aren't so rude as to keep this crap up with people who aren't their relatives (*g*).

It's not easy, but if you practice ahead of time, it's a lot less hard. Good luck to ya.

[dancebug.livejournal.com]

Interesting. The broken record technique is one technique my therapist has tried to teach me for establishing boundaries. Same technique, same function, different framing. If only I could do it in real time.