We never see ourselves the way others see us

[cjsmith]

Yesterday my boss announced my imminent departure in our (small, just the OS group) team meeting. Just after that I sent the nice tidy "been great working with you, best of luck to the company" mail to the whole software team and a few random others I've worked closely with.

I was inundated with mail and with people dropping by, all saying they were sorry to see me go. I was completely useless for the rest of the day what with all the conversations. I had no idea I would get that much of a reaction! People I've worked with only very briefly -- an architect from the other side of the building, for example -- called it "a sad day" and said they'd enjoyed working with me! I was amazed. I think I've got more than 25% of the company coming to my goodbye lunch.

Jim called me outgoing. Can you believe it? Outgoing? My boss said I'm a hard worker and I never complain. I guess I save the whining for here! And lots of people praised my work, my intelligence, my responsiveness, etc. Here I've been spending months slogging through a project, thinking my God I've got to get out of this kind of work and back into something I can blaze through, and they're all saying I'm fantastic. Okay then!

I guess we never can see ourselves the way others see us. Over and over I fall into the trap of thinking I'm getting a better, more realistic image of my outward self, and then over and over I get gobsmacked when I learn that my image is way off the mark.

Comments

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's a great way to be surprised, though!

I don't think I'd realized you had actually decided to quit. What are you going to do next?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I guess it is! It sure was a pleasant way to spend the day.

Next, I'm going to look for a job! I really couldn't look for a job while working here. My Pretending Face is just not up to the task. So now I'll look for something more OS-like or more tools-like. Those I can do. Drivers, firmware... not so happy there.

[gdmusumeci.livejournal.com]

What sort of languages do you prefer to write in?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

C, C++. On Windows and/or any flavor of Unix.

Sadly, what my resume screams is EMBEDDED OS! and I know that *most* embedded OS jobs are heavy on the drivers and firmware. Non-embedded OS, well, they want you to know (say) Linux internals -- which I don't. So that'll be an interesting thing for me to figure out over the next couple weeks: where exactly do I want to go with this, and how will I get there?

[eichin.livejournal.com]

it occurs to me that VMWare is recruiting (around MIT at least), and they (almost inherently) probably have challenges at that layer of the stack while still being pan-OS... (they're kind of large, and already owned by EMC, but I don't recall if that matters to you.) Just a thought. iRobot was also hiring last I knew, but I think they're MA-only at this point (but obviously also have embedded challenges...)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

VMWare is one of the places I'm looking, yes. I'd prefer a small company, but it's no deal-breaker. They've got some stuff that looks intriguing. They do a wide variety of things -- heck, they have at least two job listings that want X11 experience! They must be the last company still standing that wants that!

[sharya.livejournal.com]

I know lj was posting positions not too long ago... is that something that would interest you, or that you're qualified for?

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

Very very true.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It seems I have to keep on relearning it. :-)

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

See, I'm not surprised in the least. That's exactly what I would expect, knowing you.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

me too :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! :)

[apparentparadox]

It also shows that our whole work environment is out of whack. People are not given reasonable feedback until after they have reached a breaking point. Rather than being pro-active and keeping employees productive and in touch with reasonable expectations, companies seem to try to get as much as they can while paying as little as they can. How many times have you heard of someone telling their boss that they are leaving, and only then the company falls all over itself offering pay increases, different projects, etc. to keep the person? Why weren't these things offered before the employee hit the breaking point?

[wooddragon.livejournal.com]

This is so very true, and it's so very wrong. It was also my experience. Everyone loved me and thought I was doing a hell of a job, and I felt like the frickin' sky was falling.

But anyway, I'm glad you got some great feedback. It's something you can take with you, and maybe even give you some perspective some time in the future when (excuse me, IF) you need it.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Isn't that just insane? Gah.

And yes, the great feedback helps my confidence at a time when it's very useful to have some confidence (interviewing).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I hear ya. It's human nature outside the workplace, I think, too: how many compliments do you hear in a eulogy, and how many compliments did those same people give when the person was alive to hear them? It really reminds me -- as an employee and not a manager or lead of any kind -- to say good stuff to my peers when I think of it. Why wait until they're leaving?

[kateo.livejournal.com]

So true. Happened when I left my job a few months ago, too.

Glad you got that kind of response, CJ!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It's crazy sometimes. Hey, if they didn't value you while you were there, their loss! But that's easy for me to say from way over here.

Thanks!

[lcohen]

amen, and remind me to tell you the story of leaving NORC.

and CJ, i'm sorry the affirmations came late but i'm glad you received them!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yikes, sounds like that story is probably a classic example. And thanks!

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful tribute!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It feels really good!

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

The job that lets you stay sane (and gives you a sense of accomplishment and support) is coming soon, I suspect.

It's usually by the end of one's career than one figures out just what that is. :) I'm coaching somebody right now...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I sure hope so.

I'm amazed by how much more I know now about what I really want to do than I knew, say, when I first entered the job market. I know what motivates me and what doesn't. That's huge. As time goes on the picture will get more and more clear.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

I'm not surprised in the least, CJ! Anything you do, you do wholeheartedly and well, and you're a very warm and caring person. It's unfortunate that they didn't let you give you this feedback before it was too late, but that's so typical of our closed-in society. As much as technology lets us be in constant communication with one another, it's all too rare that people use it to tell someone else how they feel about them -- whether socially or in the work environment.

It may be too late for them, but it's not too late for you. Feeling so good about yourself will make interviewing for your next job much easier. And when you're relaxed and confident in an interview, you're much more likely to get the job you want!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! I agree that it happens outside the workplace too. My favorite example is a eulogy. It reminds me to give compliments when I can.

Feeling so good about yourself will make interviewing for your next job much easier.

Absolutely! That's very good timing. :-)

[kennita.livejournal.com]

A lot of people I know are going to get to experience this soon. A well-known member of the Pagan and filking (and many other) communities died in a motorcycle crash Tuesday night. I didn't know her well, but I met her, and what I remember of her is "passionate". I've seen more than a hundred LJ posts about her in the past day, a number of which were of the "I'm sad that I never got around to..." variety.

Definitely say the nice things now, while you can. Which reminds me -- CJ, I think you're beautiful, intelligent, friendly, talented, and fun to be around. I'm glad I know you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes. I didn't know her well either, and I'm not sure I've ever met her, but I knew *of* her.

Thank you so much! Kennita, I think you're intelligent, courageous, practical, caring, fun, emotionally resilient, and highly principled. I'm glad I know you too.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Well *I* certainly knew all those things about you!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! :-)

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

Well, that's a lovely surprise. I think more often than not, people really do notice the work we do and the attitude we carry with us, even at the times when my own attitude may strike me as being awful. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

People notice a lot more about us than we think... although sometimes, they are clueless about a lot more than we could possibly imagine. It confounds me.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

Spoken like somebody that carries matches and lighter fluid every time they go to work. ;)