Anger and irritation

[cjsmith]

Some people seem to go out of their way to get ticked off. What does this buy them? Do I do it, too?

I don't enjoy being irritated or offended or pissed at someone. I'd love to have no cause ever again to feel those things. I know this isn't a perfect world, but I can help this along a bit. I can decide that I want my anger to be reserved for things that matter.

Insults and threats, injustices, or actual harm done (particularly to me or to those I care about) -- those things matter.

Which way someone puts a bumper sticker on their car does not fall into those categories. Neither does the age-appropriateness of the outfit worn by a random passerby. I'll even go out on a limb here and say that stupidity and incompetence should be okay in the privacy of one's own home.

My exercise for myself, when I get angry, is to ask myself what matters. Hopefully by asking this question I can help build better mental habits. Someone parked across two spaces? OK, stole some time from me. Time is the one thing I can't replace, so I can see being a little annoyed. Someone's car or truck is dolled up to look laughably stupid? Nope -- funny maybe, but not annoying. Someone had the temerity to merge in behind me in traffic? BEHIND me? Fiiiiiine with me.

(Yes, all of these are real examples I've seen in the past couple of weeks. Either I've seen someone else get pissy about them or I've been the one.)

Comments

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I can decide that I want my anger to be reserved for things that matter.

I admit I seem to be more annoyed at a few more things lately than I used to, but I think I can credit it to stress (job search, etc.). In general, I think I'm still very much on an even keel about the little things. I've tried to figure out for some time exactly how I do it. I'm not sure I can explain it other than maybe it's years of putting the statement of yours I quoted above into practice.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*nod* I can get much more annoyed when I'm under stress than when I'm not. Sometimes it's out of proportion. I'd like to be more even-keeled about things large and small. I'm impressed/envious of that quality in you.

O'course, then there are ones that really puzzle me: the things that piss people off and I honestly can't figure out why. The orientation of the ribbon bumper stickers, for example. How on God's green earth does that cause harm to ANYONE?

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Pissed off at the orientation of a ribbon bumper sticker? I'm with you - WTF?

I'm impressed/envious of that quality in you.

*blush* I'm not so sure it's always such a great thing. I think it's been one of my biggest challenges whenever I'm trying to persuade someone (which isn't often, given my live-and-let-live attitude) or (such as now) when I'm in the job market. I think I'm perceived as lacking passion, or worse, being disinterested. That isn't necessarily true, but I can see from where such an inference might come. Of course, this time around I have even to get to the interview for that to be an issue, but I digress.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I suppose every quality has its advantages and disadvantages. I hadn't thought of that one. And man, that's gotta be frustrating, this job search. I wish you luck in getting interviews (and eventually getting a job you'll enjoy)!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think the key right now is perseverence. I was in the market for over two years the last time I had to do this, and the job I found was the one that lasted 9 years. I'm periodically getting pretty discouraged and second guessing my strategy and tactics and so forth, but no matter what I just have to keep at it.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I expect last time was discouraging too then, huh? :-/ I'm glad you have one mental voice saying "keep at it" to help counteract the ones saying "aaaaagh!"

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. And last time I started with fresh-out-of-grad-school naivete, and Toni and I weren't very established as a married couple or financially, either.

I just hope that one voice stays with me. :-)

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

My rule in my recent job-hunt was "Do 1 thing every day." More was okay, of course, but my base expectation was pretty low so that I never got to feeling overwhelmed and then depressed. (It worked, btw, and my postings about how I was structuring my job hunt got another friend on LJ employed, too.)

[joerapture.livejournal.com]

I just ask myself, "Is this the hill I want to die on?" Usually it isn't. Most stuff I can't do anything about anyway, like traffic, weather, ex wife, etc. This is a skill I learned living in the desert working with Arabs. Lotsa patience gained by that one.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

"Is this the hill I want to die on?"

As in, will you fight about it? Yeah, that's a pretty good question. Makes ya think. It's even stronger than "pick your battles."

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes yes yes.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I'll generally laugh at public stupidity by those I don't know, or get angry for a moment if they do something stupid that affects me. But to really get my attention for longer than a moment, it has to matter to me.

I used to have a real problem letting go, even of small things, because I'm stubborn, and an idiot. These days, meh, something has to really matter to me for it to cause more than a passing blip on my radar.

It's definitely a matter of picking your battles, and not letting the ones that aren't worth expending energy on take up energy. That's the basis for my recent "I'm done" post - I don't have the energy to care about that person or situation anymore, other than as new stuff comes up. And hopefully if anything new comes up it'll just be a minor blip on the radar again - I won't give her that kind of power over me to make it more than that.

It's all about who has the power - you, or the situation or other person. Minor stuff that's not personal isn't worth the time or energy. And some people feed off strife and drama, so the best thing is just to not feed them anymore.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Right, I'll be angry for a moment if someone pulls a stupid and it affects me. Sadly this happens a lot. I don't repair my own car, sew all my own clothing, grow my own food... so I get affected by a lot of people, and not many of them are efficient. *sigh* All those passing blips on my radar have been frequent enough that I now have a chronic low-grade resentment of stupidity. This isn't wonderful for my mental health. I mean sure, I do believe the world would be a better place if all else being equal everyone were competent at their jobs and everyone's IQ and awareness-of-what's-around-them were a bunch higher. But all else is never equal. Besides, that's just not reality. I gotta live in the reality that's here now.

It's definitely a matter of picking your battles, and not letting the ones that aren't worth expending energy on take up energy.

Absolutely. And that's the trick I have to learn: how to change my mood at will. Nothing less, it seems, will work.

[firecat]

A combination of genetic luck and antidepressants means that I don't usually worry about bumper stickers or other people's clothing. If I do start feeling upset by such things, I consider it a gauge of my stress, not a fact about the universe or the other person.

Some people in my life get more upset by stuff like that than I do. I try not to let them upset me, either. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, stress makes a big difference to me as well.

I'm hoping that my "Does this matter?" or "How does this cause harm?" sort of question will help realign me when I'm wigging out over minutiae.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

The other question that helps is "how recently have I eaten?" Seriously. Pay attention to the basic body needs too.

[layer.livejournal.com]

i notice i tend to get most annoyed by things other people do that are related to things i don't like or are insecure about in myself (that age appropriate clothing really hits a nerve with me and i know i've posted about it recently). i realize that anytime something hits one of my triggers, more than asking whether or not it's something that matters, i need to ask why. what in myself make it bother me that much, because chances are it will reveal something in myself i need to address.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

that age appropriate clothing really hits a nerve with me and i know i've posted about it recently

I hadn't noticed your post, but rest assured you're not the only one who gets bothered by that! :-) Ooo, along those same lines, lots of folks -- okay, women -- seem to give a hoot about what someone else (some other woman) is eating.

more than asking whether or not it's something that matters, i need to ask why.

That is better, yes! Well put. This can reveal a pattern that we can learn from.

Nonlinear Reaction to Little Things

[rampling.livejournal.com]

I've been putting some effort over the last 20 years or so to have a "nonlinear reaction to little things" in my life. (OK, that's a nerdly thing to call it, but I'm a nerd, so sue me!) That is, I encourage myself to overreact in the case of little good things, and to mellow out and underreact in the case of little bad things. Actually, in general, this works for me! I pretty much don't think about it any more, it just is the way I am now. In this way I always have a low-order background in my life that leans toward being a net positive.

I try, somewhat, to do this for larger things in my life, but that's tougher. But if at least I don't go the other way, overreacting to bad and underreacting to good -- which I don't do -- then at least I have the little stuff providing a net positive and the rest summing roughly to zero. Pretty good. Overall. Of course there are periods in my life where I've definitely been in a net negative situation, usually because of a huge bad event, and in such situations my nonlinear game for little stuff breaks down too, and my downness puts a negative spin on little stuff too. Luckily, with time (sometimes *lots* of time), the big negative mellows out, and I return to my more usual ways.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

Well, to be fair, I have to admit I have a whole different piss-off level when I'm in a car than I do anywhere in the world. :) But I agree with you in general, the things people get upset about rarely impact their lives as much as the anger itself does. I have a mantra when I'm driving ("People are stupid") that I will just randomly state when somebody cuts in front of me or realizes suddenly they have to cross three lanes of traffic, or whatever. It's not really worth getting upset about, even though I wouldn't encourage it. So I just point out to myself that it's stupid, and then try and get on with my life.

Of course, sometimes I forget people don't know me very well, and I'll just be driving along and say, "Have I ever shared with you my theory about people?" and they say "Uh... no" and I say "People are stupid" and they just kind of look at me for awhile, like they're wondering just how dangerous it is to jump out of the car while we're still moving. :)