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I may have to face the fact that I'll never get better. What would I do if I knew right this moment that I would never again walk without pain?
The Never Get Better To Do List
1. Apply for disabled parking placard.
2. Cut my hair. Ditch gym membership, get a Y membership. Begin swimming.
3. Quit square dancing.
4. Get an electric scooter, all-terrain if possible. Maybe buy a new car to accommodate it.
I'm holding off on doing those things because I cling to the hope that I'll get better. In some ways the worst part is not knowing either way for sure. My life is on hold until a miracle occurs.
Maybe I should set a deadline. How long am I willing to stay on hold, given that it's already been a year and a half and given that miracles aren't looking likely?
The Never Get Better To Do List
1. Apply for disabled parking placard.
2. Cut my hair. Ditch gym membership, get a Y membership. Begin swimming.
3. Quit square dancing.
4. Get an electric scooter, all-terrain if possible. Maybe buy a new car to accommodate it.
I'm holding off on doing those things because I cling to the hope that I'll get better. In some ways the worst part is not knowing either way for sure. My life is on hold until a miracle occurs.
Maybe I should set a deadline. How long am I willing to stay on hold, given that it's already been a year and a half and given that miracles aren't looking likely?
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Yeah, pretty much, I think.
I agree with others on most of these. (Though I'd be saddened to see the hair go!). Apply for the DP placard--they are gold, and you actually need one now. There's no reason that you shouldn't be able to get one. Akien ended up with a permanent one after he twisted his knee just because the doctor at Kaiser didn't want to be bothered with filling out the paperwork on the temporary one! So I can't imagine that you won't be at least eligible for a temporary one.
And if you can figure out somewhere to put the scooter, definitely accept
(hugs) and best wishes
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It sucks, I know. I do think that this is temporary, but temporary may be two or three years. And you should be as comfortable as possible during that time.
Seeing Amma may shift something for you, I don't know. People's experience varies, but they generally at least find it interesting.
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Stronger? Physically, or do you mean emotionally? Or maybe both?
Seeing Amma may shift something for you, I don't know.
At the very least it's a positive thing, a newness, a memory to keep. That much is good even if nothing else comes along. :-)
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In your case, the more you push to overcome, the more the problem pushes back, and the stronger it's getting-- as if you were exercising the problem with weights.
Surrender seems counterintuitive, especially to a go-getter such as yourself. We hear all the stories about people getting healed because they didn't give up, kept fighting, etc. But we don't hear the stories about the ones who didn't get better anyway. There are also stories about those who got better through surrendering, but we don't hear those so much. --That is, unless you go to a church like mine, or attend a good 12 step meeting.
You don't want to be helpless and needy, I know. But doing it yourself is someone else's lesson, not yours. You know how to take care of yourself already. And you hate being seen as disabled and potentially "less" than you know you could be-- I won't say "seen as helpless," because while you also hate that, it's not likely that anyone would ever see you that way.
But we often forget the other side of the Jewish law of Mitzvot: Not only are we required to get out there and help people, we are required to get out there and ask for help when we need it. Because if we don't, we are not only a drain on the community (if any part of the community is not healed, the community as a whole is not healed), we are also denying others the chance to do their service by helping us.
And the "Let go, and let God," component is very important, too. We don't know why these challenges are facing us, we just want the pain to stop. But would you give up the growth and gifts you received from any of your past challenges? Would you, really?
Let your life change to match your current reality. See what happens. Learn to receive the special treatment gracefully-- it will help others around you. Doing so doesn't mean that you have to stop giving to others during this time; there's plenty that you are doing, and can continue to do for those around you while accepting the help that you need.
Okay, this is not an order. But it is a good idea.
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I can also see that letting someone else help me is very, *very* hard for me. I don't trust easily and I am a bit of a control freak.
Let your life change to match your current reality. See what happens.
This much I can do. To be honest, I'm not sure I can avoid doing it for much longer. The fight has been like having another job. My work and my social life are both losing out because of that.
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Best of luck, and blessings. I know that it's going to improve at some point, I just don't know when or how.
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If I'd been on a walker or quad-cane or cane longer, I would have gotten a pretty purple one and customized it to my liking. Stuff like that makes me smile, and smiles are extra important when you're dealing with challenging situations. I still find I notice people's especially cool walkers or canes, and make mental notes for if/when the next time comes up that I'll need one.
Back in a very bad part of waiting for my surgery, I got a nice litte wireless doorbell button for my bedroom, and put the remote chimes in my 'puter room and kitchen. That way when visitors were taking care of me while I was bedridden, I could push the button to request help instead of yelling to the next room (which was too much for me then). I felt that it was better for me to take the time and money to find a good solution which felt comfortable and safe for me, instead of just putting up with an icky (and scary) temporary situation. I'm still really glad I did that.
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*sigh*. I can tell I'm gonna whine for a while. I do not want to be as gimpy as I am. I do not want it, Sam I Am.
I like the idea of purple and customized, and I think the wireless doorbell is an awesome idea!
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Of course maintaining that fun and adventure viewpoint for the whole thing all the time isn't a reasonable expectation. Or even most of the time. But I find the more I can play with that idea, the better I do. And keeping that outlook that it could still be temporary -- you don't need to swallow a permanent situation, yet, so leave that part be for later if it comes.
Just my ideas, YMMV as usual.
At least *HUGS* usually work. And cheeeeeeeese! At least you're not facing a potential low-fat watch-your-cheese-consumption diet!
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I hope you can keep eating SOME cheeeeeeeeeeeese! Life without cheese would be a definite loss for you.
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'Bout cheese... I'm figuring all I need to do (potentially, hopefully) is balance my fat intake, and not get totally carried away all the time. A good idea anyway. So some cheese here and there should be fine, including special occasions of extra indulgence, like FONDUUUUUUUUUE!!! At least that's my plan. ;)
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Fonduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!!!
Re: Fonduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!!!
I am glad that would be a good triple antibiotic cocktail! Yay! And seeing Joe, and Mary, and whomever else up here (the_ogre?)... I'm glad you can come up this way for visits every so often.
P.S.
*HUGS* *kitties* *purrs* *cheeeeeeeeese*
Re: P.S.
Lots of kitty-purrs right back atcha!
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