Deadline

[cjsmith]

I may have to face the fact that I'll never get better. What would I do if I knew right this moment that I would never again walk without pain?

The Never Get Better To Do List
1. Apply for disabled parking placard.
2. Cut my hair. Ditch gym membership, get a Y membership. Begin swimming.
3. Quit square dancing.
4. Get an electric scooter, all-terrain if possible. Maybe buy a new car to accommodate it.

I'm holding off on doing those things because I cling to the hope that I'll get better. In some ways the worst part is not knowing either way for sure. My life is on hold until a miracle occurs.

Maybe I should set a deadline. How long am I willing to stay on hold, given that it's already been a year and a half and given that miracles aren't looking likely?

Comments

[rampling.livejournal.com]

See, I wouldn't call it "surrender", I'd call it "taking charge of temporary (possibly permanent) consequences". To me, "taking charge" sounds more positive and empowering than "surrender", and that's the way it feels to me. But YMMV, of course. I feel better when I know more about possible outcomes, and like to deal with them ASAP (preferably in fun, creative ways), even if they're temporary. I feel that making my present better is always important.

If I'd been on a walker or quad-cane or cane longer, I would have gotten a pretty purple one and customized it to my liking. Stuff like that makes me smile, and smiles are extra important when you're dealing with challenging situations. I still find I notice people's especially cool walkers or canes, and make mental notes for if/when the next time comes up that I'll need one.

Back in a very bad part of waiting for my surgery, I got a nice litte wireless doorbell button for my bedroom, and put the remote chimes in my 'puter room and kitchen. That way when visitors were taking care of me while I was bedridden, I could push the button to request help instead of yelling to the next room (which was too much for me then). I felt that it was better for me to take the time and money to find a good solution which felt comfortable and safe for me, instead of just putting up with an icky (and scary) temporary situation. I'm still really glad I did that.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I can really call the way this feels "taking charge". It feels an awful lot like "giving up". It's depressing and sad and frustrating and angry-making and I just don't want to accept that it's the best I can do.

*sigh*. I can tell I'm gonna whine for a while. I do not want to be as gimpy as I am. I do not want it, Sam I Am.

I like the idea of purple and customized, and I think the wireless doorbell is an awesome idea!

[rampling.livejournal.com]

Too bad it feels more like "giving up" for you. If you keep the mindset of it being temporary, that can help. I kind of enjoyed (in some sort of twisted way) the experience of "walking in someone elses shoes", or really, riding a cart in someone else's cart, or pushing a walker in someone else's slippers, or something like that. I saw it as a tour of how other people live, and as a taste of what life might be like for me if I end up there. It's scary, but it's also possible (if you're determined!) to see it as an adventure. I've read your wheelchair stores with a bit of curiously twisted envy, since I've never gotten to try out wheeling. I guess I'm a bit of an optimist about these sorts of things.

Of course maintaining that fun and adventure viewpoint for the whole thing all the time isn't a reasonable expectation. Or even most of the time. But I find the more I can play with that idea, the better I do. And keeping that outlook that it could still be temporary -- you don't need to swallow a permanent situation, yet, so leave that part be for later if it comes.

Just my ideas, YMMV as usual.

At least *HUGS* usually work. And cheeeeeeeese! At least you're not facing a potential low-fat watch-your-cheese-consumption diet!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I do have that "temporarily walking in someone else's shoes" mindset about the wheelchair, a little. It's an adventure and a learning experience.

I hope you can keep eating SOME cheeeeeeeeeeeese! Life without cheese would be a definite loss for you.

[rampling.livejournal.com]

Glad you can get some of the adventure-flavored fun out of the chair stuff. That's great to hear.

'Bout cheese... I'm figuring all I need to do (potentially, hopefully) is balance my fat intake, and not get totally carried away all the time. A good idea anyway. So some cheese here and there should be fine, including special occasions of extra indulgence, like FONDUUUUUUUUUE!!! At least that's my plan. ;)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Speaking of fondue, you were thinking of a trip up this way at some point... did that fade out, did I miss it, or is it maybe still in the future?

Fonduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!!!

[rampling.livejournal.com]

YES! It's still in the future, and I think I oughtta make it a real solid plan, and soon. Will have to think about it later (tonight, I think), see what might work. As I see it, I'm practically required to go up for a visit -- Fondue, Kitties, and Seeing You! Fab triple antibiotic medicine for me!

Re: Fonduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I'm channeling the Tick. "I need a battle cry. SPOON!" Except yours, and mine, would be "FONDUUUUUUUUUUUUE!"

I am glad that would be a good triple antibiotic cocktail! Yay! And seeing Joe, and Mary, and whomever else up here (the_ogre?)... I'm glad you can come up this way for visits every so often.

P.S.

[rampling.livejournal.com]

Keep up the whining! Whine away! LJ-cut it if you feel you need to. It's important to have a place you feel comfortable that you can vent, and I'm happy to be a vent sink for you any time you wanna vent.

*HUGS* *kitties* *purrs* *cheeeeeeeeese*

Re: P.S.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! I figure, more than many on my friends list, you'd understand.

Lots of kitty-purrs right back atcha!