Deadline

[cjsmith]

I may have to face the fact that I'll never get better. What would I do if I knew right this moment that I would never again walk without pain?

The Never Get Better To Do List
1. Apply for disabled parking placard.
2. Cut my hair. Ditch gym membership, get a Y membership. Begin swimming.
3. Quit square dancing.
4. Get an electric scooter, all-terrain if possible. Maybe buy a new car to accommodate it.

I'm holding off on doing those things because I cling to the hope that I'll get better. In some ways the worst part is not knowing either way for sure. My life is on hold until a miracle occurs.

Maybe I should set a deadline. How long am I willing to stay on hold, given that it's already been a year and a half and given that miracles aren't looking likely?

Comments

[abenn.livejournal.com]

It's hard to explain what I mean in words at all, let alone in this manner, but I'll try.

In your case, the more you push to overcome, the more the problem pushes back, and the stronger it's getting-- as if you were exercising the problem with weights.

Surrender seems counterintuitive, especially to a go-getter such as yourself. We hear all the stories about people getting healed because they didn't give up, kept fighting, etc. But we don't hear the stories about the ones who didn't get better anyway. There are also stories about those who got better through surrendering, but we don't hear those so much. --That is, unless you go to a church like mine, or attend a good 12 step meeting.

You don't want to be helpless and needy, I know. But doing it yourself is someone else's lesson, not yours. You know how to take care of yourself already. And you hate being seen as disabled and potentially "less" than you know you could be-- I won't say "seen as helpless," because while you also hate that, it's not likely that anyone would ever see you that way.

But we often forget the other side of the Jewish law of Mitzvot: Not only are we required to get out there and help people, we are required to get out there and ask for help when we need it. Because if we don't, we are not only a drain on the community (if any part of the community is not healed, the community as a whole is not healed), we are also denying others the chance to do their service by helping us.

And the "Let go, and let God," component is very important, too. We don't know why these challenges are facing us, we just want the pain to stop. But would you give up the growth and gifts you received from any of your past challenges? Would you, really?

Let your life change to match your current reality. See what happens. Learn to receive the special treatment gracefully-- it will help others around you. Doing so doesn't mean that you have to stop giving to others during this time; there's plenty that you are doing, and can continue to do for those around you while accepting the help that you need.

Okay, this is not an order. But it is a good idea.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I agree that we don't hear -- and our culture does not honor, which is also a factor -- the stories of the ones who didn't get better no matter how much they fought, nor the stories of the ones who got better through surrender.

I can also see that letting someone else help me is very, *very* hard for me. I don't trust easily and I am a bit of a control freak.

Let your life change to match your current reality. See what happens.

This much I can do. To be honest, I'm not sure I can avoid doing it for much longer. The fight has been like having another job. My work and my social life are both losing out because of that.

[abenn.livejournal.com]

I know what it's like having the fight take over your life.

Best of luck, and blessings. I know that it's going to improve at some point, I just don't know when or how.