Long Hair: Realism

[cjsmith]

One of my pet peeves is authors, usually fantasy authors, who give a character enormously long luxurious hair and then never mention it when it would matter. They linger over descriptions of the protagonist they wish they could be, but when they put her (always her) in a situation where her hair would have to interact with something, somehow nothing happens. The laws of physics are suspended! They're wanking, these authors; they haven't done the simplest research.

People who haven't had buttlength hair may not know this stuff. (Authors who make shit up have no excuse not to ask around about it.)

There's a good reason you don't see many long-haired athletes. Consider an aikido roll. Imagine standing up with your knee or foot on your own braid. At least in a roll it's the hair-bearer's OWN knee; in a pin, often it's the other guy's knee. Exercise for the reader: list female protagonists with "a braid as thick as her wrist" who do hand-to-hand combat a lot.

My hair takes most of a day to dry. Blonde hair (beloved of fantasy authors) has the slenderest strands of any human hair type. According to one medical site I found in ten seconds on google, blondes also have the most numerous follicles. THIS HAIR TAKES A WHILE TO DRY. Put it in a ponytail, and my hair may not dry until my next shower. This is worth knowing if an author wants to describe the effects of a nice breeze half an hour after that dunking in the river.

Let's not talk in detail about jobs such as scooping the litterbox or cleaning up what the cat left on the carpet. I'll just say that a headband, ponytail, or braid does not keep a gal from having to wash the ends of her hair. What keeps that from happening is the habitual, nearly-unconscious shoulder and neck movements that keep the hair behind her back. If the character has these habitual movements ingrained, Mr. Right is not going to catch his first sight of her with her hair caressing her breasts.

How about that old squeeze-through-the-narrow-window-in-a-stone-castle trick? If the loose hair is not in her eyes, it's in between the shoulders or hips and the stone. It's gonna hurt. Somehow, though, what stings afterward is a knee. Go figure. (I won't ask why they all seem to go headfirst. You'd think after sequel number two or three one of these chicks would learn.)

I love this one: the heroine of a romance novel whose hair is drying while "spread out around her head in a fan on the pillow". Just how far away from the headboard is this pillow? Two and a half feet? Maybe our heroine is only three feet tall.

And how come the wind never blows hair into the owner's face? Do proper long-tressed maidens or mage students have built-in headwinds?

Okay, I'll stop now...

Comments

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I'm getting my hair cut. I keep waking up with it wrapped around my neck. If I'm going to be that restless I either have to get it cut or resign myself to the fact that one night I'm going to strangle myself.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think I fling mine out to the side when I sleep, although I do sometimes wake up lying on it.

I once dated a gal with waist-length hair who slept in a waterbed. She had this whole protocol for sitting up...

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

Well said. I can't say I've missed what little length I gave up my last hair styling, I certainly don't begrudge you yours.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

What are some of the things you noticed with shoulderblade-length hair that don't happen now?

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

Yup, yup, yup.

I loved my long hair. In theory.

When I was a kid, I could sit on it in braids. Of course, it took forever for those braids to happen. Even though I slept in them, it still took forever to brush my hair in the morning and re-braid.

Last year, I chopped off my long hair again. (It came to the middle of my back.) Yeah, I was loving how palecur would accidentally wake me up in the middle of the night when his hand would got caught in the tangles. I'd braid it, but as when I had been a child, it was lumpy.

And oh my, all the potions I had to use to keep it strong and healthy looking! Even with regular haircuts, I still spend less than when I was buying Sebastian products every damned week. I *heart* Suave. And oh, how nice to be able to color my hair using only one box of color instead of two or three! Dye is damaging my hair? Who cares when I'm going to cut it again in a month?

I do like long hair, but I sure didn't like *having* long hair. These days, when I'm in a hurry but need to look good for work, I just put a little mousse into while it's still wet then brush it out in the parking lot when I get to the office. Don't feel like doing anything with it, but don't want it in my face? Do nothing. When it was long, I had to put it in ponytails or braids.

Long hair is gorgeous, but it's also a responsibility.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Coloring it is one of the reasons I'm considering cutting mine. Mine is currently long simply because it behaves so @#$! poorly when short, and I'm too lazy for haircuts and suchlike. But the tradeoff might be worth it. (I still dislike the total lack of realism from wanker-authors, though! It's NOT THAT TOUGH to get a detail or two right!)

[layer.livejournal.com]

not so long ago, i had hair down past my butt. it used to get caught in the electric car windows every time i rolled them up. i basically wound up wearing it up every day. after years i was like, if i'm going to wear it that short i should cut it that short. it was literally a huge weight off my shoulders.

besides my hair is way too fine to look good long.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, I didn't mention car windows... I guess I don't read enough mystery books (the only genre fiction I can think of that's set in "today").

My hair is too fine to look good long, too. I keep it long because I don't have to get haircuts or worry about which way it's pointing when it dries.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

*Grin* This is fun...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Next rant: Big Boobs Never Get In The Way, or perhaps, Female Protagonists Never Menstruate.

[oddhack.livejournal.com]

So you've been reading the latest Laurell K. Hamilton tome, too?

True story: many years ago I was dating someone with lovely long (albeit not ankle-length) blonde hair, which I often expressed admiration of. She came back from Xmas vacation considerably shorn, and I expressed my profound distress over this state of affairs... at which point she reached into her suitcase, pulled out the missing hair nicely bundled up with rubber bands, and handed it to me.

Couldn't think of a good response - I had what I'd said I wanted, after all. Now that was a teaching moment :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's not one of the authors I was thinking of... maybe I should go read her to get more rant material. :-)

I love that story! I have actually threatened to do this with (properly-preserved results of) a breast reduction.

Long-haired Aikido?

[zyxwvut.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know it's a liability -- and mine isn't even waist-length or whatever.

Z

P.S.: When called up to do "grabs against closed-eyed nage" on my test (special request), BigKid did take a big handful of braid. %-}

Re: Long-haired Aikido?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Impressive how a good grab of hair can really move the head around, too!

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

When my hair was almost waist-length, I would get it caught in the car window when closing it, Dan would tug on it when he'd put his hand on my back, and it took FOREVER to dry if I didn't use the blow dryer.

But I've almost never braided it, and I never had issues sleeping on it. *shrug*

I'm growing mine back out. It's just past my shoulders at this point. Not sure how long I'm going to let it get this time.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ooooo, yes, that pulling-and-slightly-stinging sensation when someone comes up and rubs my back. It's unpleasant enough for me that I move my body away. I can only surmise that this is pleasant for the other person, because people keep doing it. I have started to develop a habit of getting my hair out of the way when someone I don't know extends a hand. The guy (yes, always a guy) usually looks at me funny, but there's a bonus: that's often when he clues in that what *I* want might not be what *he* wants.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

They're wanking, these authors; they haven't done the simplest research.

Yeah, as much as I adore really, really long hair from an aesthetic point of view, I think you're right. =Also, where fiction is concerned. You'd think authors would realize they've got their own Isadora Duncan issues, with hair rather than a scarf, but the effect would be the same. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I like my long hair, don't get me wrong. I have all the little habits for managing it. I never have to get haircuts, use mousse, figure out whether it'll dry pointing straight up, make sure my part is okay after I've made it... I'll miss my hair if I cut it. But c'mon, folks, if you're going to make shit up, take the consequences with it, both the good and the bad.

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

And to think my rant has always been about the size of the heroine's breasts and the lack of interference of said bodyparts when she uses a longbow, crawls through a tiny hole, finds herself in a dungeon in a dirty sack yet manages to run down the corridor and then down a large flight of stairs with no mention of having to grab a tit in each hand to stop the painful bouncing.

I'm not even that large-breasted and it makes me wince to think of running down stairs with no support!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's another GOOD rant. I grab myself in both hands when going down stairs. I gotta! And I'm fond of saying that when I jog I need the "Gothic Flying Buttresses Concrete Bra". If only they made such a thing. I think authors who make a point of what enormous knockers the character has are probably small-breasted themselves. (Perhaps vice versa, too, if I expand that to the whole body type. Slender, small-breasted waif-like character who never gets cold and is strong as an ox? Hmm.)

I also love how no female protagonist of any genre fiction book I have ever had the pleasure to encounter HAS CRAMPS. Most of 'em don't even BLEED. The female authors, at least, should know better!

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I just got mine cut, because I was tired about having to brush it often and it *still* looked like a squirrel's tail. My big pet peeve has to do with movies: characters tromp through mud and dust and cross continents, and their hair looks great. One of the things I liked immediately about The Fellowship of The RIng was that the hair (on the humans at least -- the hobbits still had great looking hair, not to mention Legolas!) looked real. When Aragon had been tramping through the wilderness, his hair was stringy and sort of dirty looking, not all clean and flowing. They seemed to get neater hair as the series went on. Pity.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. I don't watch many movies, myself, but I can remember getting annoyed when I'd see women stepping out of the shower with makeup on and suchlike.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I only have slightly below the shoulder length hair, and I frequently:

-eat my hair. Seriously. It _likes_ being in my mouth.
-lie down on my hair in a way that I can't figure out how to get back up again for a second or two, because I've trapped my hair under me, and therefore can't move my head

My hair is also _very_ thin, though, so it doesn't take forever to dry. Of course, I doubt it'll ever consent to being much longer than it is, either. Ah, well.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, my hair (a couple of inches below the waist) has given up on being in my mouth. I think shoulderblade-length hair is the most energetic about that, and by the time it reaches the bra strap it doesn't go in the mouth as much. I dunno why. Eyes, now... it still likes my eyes.

[dilletante.livejournal.com]

i'm sure a lot of it is just choosing what to focus on. in other words, yes, they're wanking... :) but the same characters probably never poop either, let alone spend weeks with dysentery from foreign microbes in the exotic cities they've travelled to. some people don't consider that adventurous enough. or maybe fantastic enough. :)

it depends on the author and the genre, of course. ian fleming, of all people, in on her majesty's secret service (if you read the actual book), has james bond worrying about getting old and his creaking knees, and having trouble holding his liquor. it can frame a character nicely to show flaws and realism; but not every author is willing to do that, or able to do it well.

you also have the problem of reading about a subject you personally know. :) my wife was peeved at the movie "the scorpion king" for constantly referring to the main character as an "akkadian" and then in the one scene with a big rock with holy writings of his people on it, not even bothering to use cuneiform. (it's a distinctive, visually-interesting script, and you could steal an example from the internet with 5 minutes of work-- how could anyone pass that up?) that's an obscure example, but... i'm sure that the fact that there are weird ramifications to having long hair doesn't occur to many authors who've never had it-- how would they know to ask?

when i grew my hair out (still short by your standards: if i pull it it will reach to the small of my back, head erect, but it's very curly and doesn't... act that long, and i don't think it can get longer) i eventually noticed that it got very strange and unmanageable if i washed it every day. a former girlfriend explained about conditioner, previously a complete unknown to me. i'd guess that enemies would grab the heroine's hair; but that it would get caught in car windows? how would i know to even wonder about that?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

but the same characters probably never poop either, let alone spend weeks with dysentery from foreign microbes in the exotic cities they've travelled to.

They sure as heck never menstruate. :-) SF authors will provide descriptions of a space suit's waste collection systems and at least an offhand explanation of how people sleep in zero G. It's not the focus, but they'll mention it because it shows normal day-to-day activities in the interesting setting. Then they'll send crews out for several two-day treks across a new world, back-to-back, and somehow not one of the gals ever has to figure out how to change a tampon in a space suit. I think menstruation is a huge taboo.

you also have the problem of reading about a subject you personally know.

It's sad that that's automatically a problem. I have the additional problem of being picky. If someone doesn't know something, and advertises that fact by making stuff up about it and not asking around, it disappoints me.

...doesn't occur to many authors who've never had it-- how would they know to ask?

I think this is part of the FUN of writing: you get to think up bizarre things to ask about! Hey, my main character is iron-thewed and a head taller than everyone around him. I'll ask my ultratall coworker what it's LIKE to be a head taller than everyone else. I might remember a conversation with a bodybuilder friend wherein he notices that he intimidates people without meaning to. Stuff. Maybe I won't use it, 'cause I suck, but for me figuring out what *would* or *couldn't* happen is part of the fun. Or else I just like annoying my friends with questions. That could be it.

To answer a little more seriously, I would guess that visualization might help a lot. Beautaia's hair falls to her knees (or Zaphod has a third arm or whatever), and now s/he's scooting backwards through a narrow tunnel: if I'm writing that, I'll try to imagine what that scene and its actions and movements look like.

[melanie.livejournal.com]

and how come they never slam their own hair in the car door?

and why does it never mention how, when you bend over to pick something up, suddenly you can't find what was on the floor to begin with, since you're hair-blinded?

good examples

[eichin.livejournal.com]

On the side of authors that get this... kind of right, or at least explicit (no, not that way) about it: Julie Czerneda, A Thousand Words for Stranger (and the rest of the trilogy) has a race of telepaths in which not only does their hair get long at puberty, it has a mind of it's own - or at least, reflects the character's mental state; most of them are high in an aristocracy where they have the time to deal with such things.

Another is CJ Cherryh, Invader (and the other 5 books in the trilogy) where not only does everyone braid, there are complex cultural signals in the ribbons in one's braid. Fortunately the main character is an ambassador/translator, and has a staff to take care of his braid, which he grows to appreciate more over time.

(I would braid mine, but I've never really gotten good at it [and am lazy about such things] so a braid ends up being a signal that my girlfriend is in town :-)

[wolfkitn.livejournal.com]

hi cjsmith -- i don't think we actually know each other; i found a reference to this thread by reading wispfox's journal. but i felt that i could contribute to the "hair is dangerous" side of things with a brief story:

i used to have hair that went down to five inches above my kneecaps. it was rarely unbraided, due to a very high tangle coefficient, and due to it getting into all kinds of trouble.

for example. one day, i was sitting at home in an office chair with castors, hair unbound, on the telephone in a deep and wonderful conversation. over the course of the conversation, i had draped my hair over the back of the chair and i slumped down comfortably. while talking, i was slightly rolling the chair back, and forth, and back, and forth... almost in a meditation... relaxed...

(you are by now probably anticipating what happened...) at some point, i tried to sit up, and realized i couldn't. i panicked, and told my co-conversant that i needed to get off the phone.

fortunately, the house had phones with two lines. even more fortunately, my housemate was home. i called her from one line and asked her to come upstairs. she came up, lifted the chair with me sitting in it, and i lifted my head. aieee!

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

Mmm-hmmm, and let's not forget the movies that feature women with gorgeously long hair, that is never pulled back, never braided, never even barretted, and yet they never have it in their eyes, never eat it with their sandwich, never accidentally sit on it...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, patgreene said something related. If I watched more movies I'd gripe more about them too. I particularly like the women who swim and shower with makeup intact.