Long Hair: Realism

[cjsmith]

One of my pet peeves is authors, usually fantasy authors, who give a character enormously long luxurious hair and then never mention it when it would matter. They linger over descriptions of the protagonist they wish they could be, but when they put her (always her) in a situation where her hair would have to interact with something, somehow nothing happens. The laws of physics are suspended! They're wanking, these authors; they haven't done the simplest research.

People who haven't had buttlength hair may not know this stuff. (Authors who make shit up have no excuse not to ask around about it.)

There's a good reason you don't see many long-haired athletes. Consider an aikido roll. Imagine standing up with your knee or foot on your own braid. At least in a roll it's the hair-bearer's OWN knee; in a pin, often it's the other guy's knee. Exercise for the reader: list female protagonists with "a braid as thick as her wrist" who do hand-to-hand combat a lot.

My hair takes most of a day to dry. Blonde hair (beloved of fantasy authors) has the slenderest strands of any human hair type. According to one medical site I found in ten seconds on google, blondes also have the most numerous follicles. THIS HAIR TAKES A WHILE TO DRY. Put it in a ponytail, and my hair may not dry until my next shower. This is worth knowing if an author wants to describe the effects of a nice breeze half an hour after that dunking in the river.

Let's not talk in detail about jobs such as scooping the litterbox or cleaning up what the cat left on the carpet. I'll just say that a headband, ponytail, or braid does not keep a gal from having to wash the ends of her hair. What keeps that from happening is the habitual, nearly-unconscious shoulder and neck movements that keep the hair behind her back. If the character has these habitual movements ingrained, Mr. Right is not going to catch his first sight of her with her hair caressing her breasts.

How about that old squeeze-through-the-narrow-window-in-a-stone-castle trick? If the loose hair is not in her eyes, it's in between the shoulders or hips and the stone. It's gonna hurt. Somehow, though, what stings afterward is a knee. Go figure. (I won't ask why they all seem to go headfirst. You'd think after sequel number two or three one of these chicks would learn.)

I love this one: the heroine of a romance novel whose hair is drying while "spread out around her head in a fan on the pillow". Just how far away from the headboard is this pillow? Two and a half feet? Maybe our heroine is only three feet tall.

And how come the wind never blows hair into the owner's face? Do proper long-tressed maidens or mage students have built-in headwinds?

Okay, I'll stop now...

Comments

[dilletante.livejournal.com]

i'm sure a lot of it is just choosing what to focus on. in other words, yes, they're wanking... :) but the same characters probably never poop either, let alone spend weeks with dysentery from foreign microbes in the exotic cities they've travelled to. some people don't consider that adventurous enough. or maybe fantastic enough. :)

it depends on the author and the genre, of course. ian fleming, of all people, in on her majesty's secret service (if you read the actual book), has james bond worrying about getting old and his creaking knees, and having trouble holding his liquor. it can frame a character nicely to show flaws and realism; but not every author is willing to do that, or able to do it well.

you also have the problem of reading about a subject you personally know. :) my wife was peeved at the movie "the scorpion king" for constantly referring to the main character as an "akkadian" and then in the one scene with a big rock with holy writings of his people on it, not even bothering to use cuneiform. (it's a distinctive, visually-interesting script, and you could steal an example from the internet with 5 minutes of work-- how could anyone pass that up?) that's an obscure example, but... i'm sure that the fact that there are weird ramifications to having long hair doesn't occur to many authors who've never had it-- how would they know to ask?

when i grew my hair out (still short by your standards: if i pull it it will reach to the small of my back, head erect, but it's very curly and doesn't... act that long, and i don't think it can get longer) i eventually noticed that it got very strange and unmanageable if i washed it every day. a former girlfriend explained about conditioner, previously a complete unknown to me. i'd guess that enemies would grab the heroine's hair; but that it would get caught in car windows? how would i know to even wonder about that?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

but the same characters probably never poop either, let alone spend weeks with dysentery from foreign microbes in the exotic cities they've travelled to.

They sure as heck never menstruate. :-) SF authors will provide descriptions of a space suit's waste collection systems and at least an offhand explanation of how people sleep in zero G. It's not the focus, but they'll mention it because it shows normal day-to-day activities in the interesting setting. Then they'll send crews out for several two-day treks across a new world, back-to-back, and somehow not one of the gals ever has to figure out how to change a tampon in a space suit. I think menstruation is a huge taboo.

you also have the problem of reading about a subject you personally know.

It's sad that that's automatically a problem. I have the additional problem of being picky. If someone doesn't know something, and advertises that fact by making stuff up about it and not asking around, it disappoints me.

...doesn't occur to many authors who've never had it-- how would they know to ask?

I think this is part of the FUN of writing: you get to think up bizarre things to ask about! Hey, my main character is iron-thewed and a head taller than everyone around him. I'll ask my ultratall coworker what it's LIKE to be a head taller than everyone else. I might remember a conversation with a bodybuilder friend wherein he notices that he intimidates people without meaning to. Stuff. Maybe I won't use it, 'cause I suck, but for me figuring out what *would* or *couldn't* happen is part of the fun. Or else I just like annoying my friends with questions. That could be it.

To answer a little more seriously, I would guess that visualization might help a lot. Beautaia's hair falls to her knees (or Zaphod has a third arm or whatever), and now s/he's scooting backwards through a narrow tunnel: if I'm writing that, I'll try to imagine what that scene and its actions and movements look like.