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Thursday, October 14th, 2004 08:31 pm
One of my pet peeves is authors, usually fantasy authors, who give a character enormously long luxurious hair and then never mention it when it would matter. They linger over descriptions of the protagonist they wish they could be, but when they put her (always her) in a situation where her hair would have to interact with something, somehow nothing happens. The laws of physics are suspended! They're wanking, these authors; they haven't done the simplest research.

People who haven't had buttlength hair may not know this stuff. (Authors who make shit up have no excuse not to ask around about it.)

There's a good reason you don't see many long-haired athletes. Consider an aikido roll. Imagine standing up with your knee or foot on your own braid. At least in a roll it's the hair-bearer's OWN knee; in a pin, often it's the other guy's knee. Exercise for the reader: list female protagonists with "a braid as thick as her wrist" who do hand-to-hand combat a lot.

My hair takes most of a day to dry. Blonde hair (beloved of fantasy authors) has the slenderest strands of any human hair type. According to one medical site I found in ten seconds on google, blondes also have the most numerous follicles. THIS HAIR TAKES A WHILE TO DRY. Put it in a ponytail, and my hair may not dry until my next shower. This is worth knowing if an author wants to describe the effects of a nice breeze half an hour after that dunking in the river.

Let's not talk in detail about jobs such as scooping the litterbox or cleaning up what the cat left on the carpet. I'll just say that a headband, ponytail, or braid does not keep a gal from having to wash the ends of her hair. What keeps that from happening is the habitual, nearly-unconscious shoulder and neck movements that keep the hair behind her back. If the character has these habitual movements ingrained, Mr. Right is not going to catch his first sight of her with her hair caressing her breasts.

How about that old squeeze-through-the-narrow-window-in-a-stone-castle trick? If the loose hair is not in her eyes, it's in between the shoulders or hips and the stone. It's gonna hurt. Somehow, though, what stings afterward is a knee. Go figure. (I won't ask why they all seem to go headfirst. You'd think after sequel number two or three one of these chicks would learn.)

I love this one: the heroine of a romance novel whose hair is drying while "spread out around her head in a fan on the pillow". Just how far away from the headboard is this pillow? Two and a half feet? Maybe our heroine is only three feet tall.

And how come the wind never blows hair into the owner's face? Do proper long-tressed maidens or mage students have built-in headwinds?

Okay, I'll stop now...
Friday, October 15th, 2004 09:46 am (UTC)
Was yours long enough to get caught in car doors?


Nope.

Friday, October 15th, 2004 11:35 am (UTC)
And windows! When closing them! Hell, the sun roof!

(fairly small pieces, but still)
Friday, October 15th, 2004 11:49 am (UTC)
Oh definitely! I've experienced all of those.

The one that amuses me the most is the time my hair got caught in the canopy of an aerobatic aircraft. There's this bubble canopy that closes over my head. It rattles on its latches a bit. When I flip over and fly upside down for a while, the canopy falls a little, just enough to make a lot of noise as air whooshes past it. O'course, if I didn't make sure to trap my hair between the parachute and my back, my hair also falls, making a little puddle on the "ceiling". Then it gets sucked out through the crack. When I roll back to upright the canopy falls shut again on my hair and I settle an inch or two back into my seat. TUG goes my hair!! The first time this happened my instructor (in the back) laughed and laughed. "You'd better flip over and fix that," he said.
Friday, October 15th, 2004 11:55 am (UTC)
Oh, _my_!

Now there's a hazard I'd never have thought about before. Wow.

Sheesh, hair can be dangerous!
Friday, October 15th, 2004 11:58 am (UTC)
I bet you can imagine what it was like to comb it when I got back on the ground, too. :)
Friday, October 15th, 2004 12:21 pm (UTC)
That... ow. Now my head hurts in sympathy. :)

It's bad enough having forgotten to put my hair up when I have the car windows down!
Friday, October 15th, 2004 01:27 pm (UTC)
I've actually fought with my hair during aerobatics as well, but never anything quite like that. Ow.
Friday, October 15th, 2004 01:27 pm (UTC)
there are multiple reasons for me almost constantly wearing my hat.