Long Hair: Realism

[cjsmith]

One of my pet peeves is authors, usually fantasy authors, who give a character enormously long luxurious hair and then never mention it when it would matter. They linger over descriptions of the protagonist they wish they could be, but when they put her (always her) in a situation where her hair would have to interact with something, somehow nothing happens. The laws of physics are suspended! They're wanking, these authors; they haven't done the simplest research.

People who haven't had buttlength hair may not know this stuff. (Authors who make shit up have no excuse not to ask around about it.)

There's a good reason you don't see many long-haired athletes. Consider an aikido roll. Imagine standing up with your knee or foot on your own braid. At least in a roll it's the hair-bearer's OWN knee; in a pin, often it's the other guy's knee. Exercise for the reader: list female protagonists with "a braid as thick as her wrist" who do hand-to-hand combat a lot.

My hair takes most of a day to dry. Blonde hair (beloved of fantasy authors) has the slenderest strands of any human hair type. According to one medical site I found in ten seconds on google, blondes also have the most numerous follicles. THIS HAIR TAKES A WHILE TO DRY. Put it in a ponytail, and my hair may not dry until my next shower. This is worth knowing if an author wants to describe the effects of a nice breeze half an hour after that dunking in the river.

Let's not talk in detail about jobs such as scooping the litterbox or cleaning up what the cat left on the carpet. I'll just say that a headband, ponytail, or braid does not keep a gal from having to wash the ends of her hair. What keeps that from happening is the habitual, nearly-unconscious shoulder and neck movements that keep the hair behind her back. If the character has these habitual movements ingrained, Mr. Right is not going to catch his first sight of her with her hair caressing her breasts.

How about that old squeeze-through-the-narrow-window-in-a-stone-castle trick? If the loose hair is not in her eyes, it's in between the shoulders or hips and the stone. It's gonna hurt. Somehow, though, what stings afterward is a knee. Go figure. (I won't ask why they all seem to go headfirst. You'd think after sequel number two or three one of these chicks would learn.)

I love this one: the heroine of a romance novel whose hair is drying while "spread out around her head in a fan on the pillow". Just how far away from the headboard is this pillow? Two and a half feet? Maybe our heroine is only three feet tall.

And how come the wind never blows hair into the owner's face? Do proper long-tressed maidens or mage students have built-in headwinds?

Okay, I'll stop now...

Comments

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

hair in mouth: perhaps it's long enough that idle movement and/or wind is simply unlikely to throw it into your mouth, but the fact that there is always some small amount of hair growing back after having been shed still leave something around to get in your eyes? And the hair long enough to get in your mouth is also long enough to be tamed by the rest of your hair?

Not sure. Totally guessing, in case you couldn't tell. My eyes seem to be protected from that, except if the wind is blowing hard. Perhaps it's my glasses helping out with that.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I have glasses too. I guess part of it is that the hair alongside my face doesn't ever grow really long. I have wisps that are maybe jawline-length. It's not much hair but maybe that's what's getting in my eyes more often.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I have glasses too.

Huh! OK. I tried to see if I could tell from your icon, but couldn't. And, of course, perhaps you weren't wearing them in it! ;)

I have wisps that are maybe jawline-length. It's not much hair but maybe that's what's getting in my eyes more often.

Ah... .yes. I can easily see this.