Long Hair: Realism

[cjsmith]

One of my pet peeves is authors, usually fantasy authors, who give a character enormously long luxurious hair and then never mention it when it would matter. They linger over descriptions of the protagonist they wish they could be, but when they put her (always her) in a situation where her hair would have to interact with something, somehow nothing happens. The laws of physics are suspended! They're wanking, these authors; they haven't done the simplest research.

People who haven't had buttlength hair may not know this stuff. (Authors who make shit up have no excuse not to ask around about it.)

There's a good reason you don't see many long-haired athletes. Consider an aikido roll. Imagine standing up with your knee or foot on your own braid. At least in a roll it's the hair-bearer's OWN knee; in a pin, often it's the other guy's knee. Exercise for the reader: list female protagonists with "a braid as thick as her wrist" who do hand-to-hand combat a lot.

My hair takes most of a day to dry. Blonde hair (beloved of fantasy authors) has the slenderest strands of any human hair type. According to one medical site I found in ten seconds on google, blondes also have the most numerous follicles. THIS HAIR TAKES A WHILE TO DRY. Put it in a ponytail, and my hair may not dry until my next shower. This is worth knowing if an author wants to describe the effects of a nice breeze half an hour after that dunking in the river.

Let's not talk in detail about jobs such as scooping the litterbox or cleaning up what the cat left on the carpet. I'll just say that a headband, ponytail, or braid does not keep a gal from having to wash the ends of her hair. What keeps that from happening is the habitual, nearly-unconscious shoulder and neck movements that keep the hair behind her back. If the character has these habitual movements ingrained, Mr. Right is not going to catch his first sight of her with her hair caressing her breasts.

How about that old squeeze-through-the-narrow-window-in-a-stone-castle trick? If the loose hair is not in her eyes, it's in between the shoulders or hips and the stone. It's gonna hurt. Somehow, though, what stings afterward is a knee. Go figure. (I won't ask why they all seem to go headfirst. You'd think after sequel number two or three one of these chicks would learn.)

I love this one: the heroine of a romance novel whose hair is drying while "spread out around her head in a fan on the pillow". Just how far away from the headboard is this pillow? Two and a half feet? Maybe our heroine is only three feet tall.

And how come the wind never blows hair into the owner's face? Do proper long-tressed maidens or mage students have built-in headwinds?

Okay, I'll stop now...

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's not one of the authors I was thinking of... maybe I should go read her to get more rant material. :-)

I love that story! I have actually threatened to do this with (properly-preserved results of) a breast reduction.

[oddhack.livejournal.com]

Hamilton's fantasy/horror novels have a following, but she's getting more and more heavily into the gratuitous sex as the series progresses, so you might start from the beginning if you want to check them out (The Laughing Corpse, The Lunatic Cafe). As written the sex is actually essential to the plot in some ways, but even so 3 chapters of plot development followed by 3 chapters of kinky sex with vampires and werecreatures gets tiresome... oh well, she's found a market.

As for your threat, hair is one thing but I for one would be throughly squicked by presentation of formal internal body parts :-)

[oddhack.livejournal.com]

Er, "formEr", not "formal". Not sure what the difference between a casual and formal body part might be offhand, maybe I should ask Miss Manners? :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Chins are casual, cheekbones are formal; thumbs are casual, ring fingers are formal... I'm talking out my butt here, but it's fun. :-)

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking that talking out one's butt must be casual, at the very least.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I admit I try to avoid it in formal settings!

Re: butts

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

talking about butts. I seem to find my loose hairs there a lot.

(_my_ butt. Not yours.)

Re: butts

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Eh, mine too. (my hair, not yours.) Very weird sensation pulling 'em outta there.

Re: butts

[rosefox]

Mostly I find sinboy's, since his hair is longer than mine and he tends to leave a lot of it in my bed.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm sure the squick factor had something to do with the offer not being received with much grace. Ah well. I did like the logic of it: he likes 'em so much, he can carry 'em around! He could play with them whenever he wanted to! I guess humans do not live by logic alone. Woe is me. ;-)