115 comments later (yikes!)

[cjsmith]

Holy moly! So after much conversation (thank you, everyone!), it's clear there are indeed a few things I'm doing to create this LJ-centric social life.

1. I don't like spending a long time getting somewhere.

This item is top of the list by far. If I'm invited to go somewhere that's an hour away from me, then I balance the two hours' round trip time against how well I know people there, how much fun I think the event is, how much work I have to do, whether I've seen much of Rob lately, whether Rob can or would want to go, my inherent laziness, whether I'm short on sleep, whether I think I can park near enough to baby my feet... and far far more often than not I wind up not going.

As I said in a comment to someone somewhere, being ten minutes away from a person means "Hey, I have a half hour free, want to drop by?" By contrast, being a half hour away means "I think I have some time late next week." An hour, sheesh: "How about after [my software release | NaNo is over | the holidays]?" This makes a big difference.

Now that I've identified this, I can make clearer decisions. I can invite people to my place, I can suggest events that are more centrally located where I can meet people, I can relax my driving "standards", I can accept the effect my driving "standards" have on my social life (likely), heck I can even think about moving (unlikely).

2. I get enough of my "social interaction" needs met through LJ that I become lazy about seeking in-person contact. Easy enough to tinker with, pay attention to, tweak over time.

3. I am more open online than in person. It's easier for me to talk about my hopes and fears here than face to face. Guess what: people who don't know me here on LJ don't feel they know me as well. Shocker. :-) This, too, is something that I can pay attention to over time, and shift if I like.

4. I don't make the first move. There's some fear in this. Will I live up to my friendly, likable online persona? Will the other person reject me? Will the other person want a lot more from me than I'm prepared to deliver? (Hey, I didn't say my fears were rational.) There's some laziness in this, too. I *am* busy -- it's quarter to nine as I type this paragraph and I'm at work -- and oftentimes, much as I'd love some low-key company, I just don't have the energy left in me to go do something about it.

In addition to some increased awareness there's one other thing this conversation has given me: I am immensely cheered up. Thank you, all of you, from the bottom of my heart. I was very grumpy this morning. I was angry with myself and with my feet, I was feeling hurt and alone and isolated and was a little angry at myself for that too, I was swamped with work... and now I'm fairly cheerful and only swamped with work. :-) LJ *does* do well for some kinds of social interaction. Having all these conversation-threads really gave me a boost. Thanks.

Comments

[airporter.livejournal.com]

*Warm fuzzies*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! 8-) Yay for friends near AND far.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

1. Me too
2. Me too.
3. About equal
4. Sometimes, yeah, but mostly when it comes to lust or romance or dating.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

4. *Particularly* those things!

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

I found (1) was a big one for me, but ... it's still a sore point. I'm really tired of the minimum buy-in for any social event being two hours of driving.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, can indeed be a sore point here too. Particularly when someone starts putting on *pressure*. People don't seem to GET that two hours in a car is two hours of my life I will never ever get back, and that it is MY CHOICE. I am, however, very honored and pleased and touched by the invitation!

You and me, we need to do parties down our way.

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

You and me, we need to do parties down our way.

Roger that. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You're on! You cook I clean? Or vice versa? ;-) ;-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I'll reiterate that offer to cook, even though my availability is limited. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! 8-) Now it's a Project requiring Planning ;-)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Y'know, this makes me really nervous about eventually being in the SF area. Where do you two live, that so many things are ~1 hour away?

~30 minutes isn't too bad, although it's as much about time as the fact that I don't like to drive, on my end. Moving closer to Boston has helped me in this respect, even if my commute to work _is_ longer, now.

'Course, I also have the problem where larger group things are usually too much effort. This makes... meeting new people an interesting challange. Makes me wonder if the reason I was more social when I was first in the Boston area is because I _had_ to be in order to meet people!

Ok, I babble now. :)

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

I live in San Jose, CJ isn't too far away. The larger social events I'm aware of are in San Francisco or in "the East Bay". And it's probably more like 45 minutes up to the closest one--if there's no traffic. A little hyperbole when I whine, me? ;)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

45 minutes up to the closest one--if there's no traffic. A little hyperbole when I whine, me? ;)

I'd call that an hour, too - especially since traffic can vary wildly.

And, San Jose makes sense, as far as the distance goes. Isn't where I'm likely to be, however, since the school I'm interested in is in SF. So that ought to help with social stuff.

What's defined as 'the east bay'? Across the bay from SF?

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

What's defined as 'the east bay'? Across the bay from SF?

Yeah. If you check a map, it would include Berkeley and a little
North of that, down perhaps as far as Fremont, but when I say
the East Bay, in particular I'm thinking of events in Berkeley,
Hayward and San Leandro.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*nods* Cool, good to know.

Well, not cool for you, being far away from you. But information is good for me. :)

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

Definitely. :)

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

oh, I should add that a huge part of my whining on the subject is either my own fault or just a situational badness. For different reasons in each case, nearly all my dates tend to be located at the sweetie's residence, not my own. This is, particularly when I believe that that isn't understood or appreciated, a sore spot.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

For different reasons in each case, nearly all my dates tend to be located at the sweetie's residence, not my own.

Damn. Yeah, that would be a problem for me, too, esp since I dislike driving.

Unfortunate, this!

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

Yep, unfortunate, but what are you going to do? They're all worth it. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yep, unfortunate, but what are you going to do? They're all worth it. :)

Indeed. Rather figured on the latter, mind. ;)

[mountainkitten.livejournal.com]

these observations are very interesting. Thanks for sharing... makes me want to muddle thru my thoughts about social interaction and my feelings toward it. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you for being interested! Yeah, now that I see what it is I'm doing, some of my choices probably won't change. Two hours in a car is a high price and I'll pay it only for something really great. But others may change. I might be willing to make more invitations.

[mountainkitten.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about 2 hours in a car to get somewhere for that social interaction. especially if its 2 hours in a car to spend 30 min to an hour with someone... hardly seems worth it. Really cuts into the day in a hurry. midpoint things to get together with someone is a great idea I think.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I bet there is a lot of possibility in that "midpoint" idea -- I haven't really been thinking of it until now. Yay for new ideas!

[davidlevine]

It really does help to know your problems are also the problems of others, doesn't it?

I always envy the people in situation comedies who can just drop in on each other. It was one of the few good things about living in the dorms in college. But here in the real world, getting together takes planning. And it sounds like it takes more planning and a bigger time investment in the Bay Area than it does here. (Still more to visit the Bay Area from here, but that's a separate issue.)

And on that making the first move thing... I've found that the more I do it, the easier it gets. Not only do I get practice, not only do I learn that when rejection does come it isn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be, but I find that the occasional success gives me far more motivation and willingness to try again. So do keep trying to reach out and grope touch someone.

Well, anyway. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Hugs!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

If nothing else, people with similar problems often have good insight!

I too wish I could just drop in on people or have people drop in on me, the way we did in college dorms. I often think college is an ideal place to forge friendships -- you have a lot of common concerns, you're the same age (and stage in life) as a lot of other people, you're jammed in together. Those of us who subsequently leave that well-forged social circle probably never fully recover.

Thanks! Hugsback!

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Meh. I made a couple of lasting friends in the dorms, but I think I seriously lucked out there. Most of the people I met in college I had nothing whatsofuckingever in common with. If I hadn't started hanging out with 30-year-olds outside of school I would currently be friendless.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh interesting! I had a lot in common with my dorm-mates -- at the least, an interest in and medium-fluency in French (we were in "French House") and a leaning towards geekery (were were at MIT). There's a lot we *didn't* have in common, too, but at the time, finding other geeky people seemed huge.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I might've had better luck at MIT. The geek population at Cal is apparently not that high. I knew at least as many geeks in high school, and was sorely disappointed that college wasn't an improvement.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. (Caltech would've been excellent for geekery too.) I think I was lucky -- MIT suited me well. I had *no idea* how well before I got there. I went because they were the only school to accept me. That's a bit of luck!

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I didn't go because I couldn't afford it. I'm not sorry, though; I met better folks out here anyway, plus New England weather would've kicked my ass.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I hear ya about the finances. If it weren't for ROTC I would have no degree at all. :-/

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

A lesson I've still got to leatn; sometimes all it takes it to *ask* :).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed. :-)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

1. I don't like spending a long time getting somewhere.

:-( (from the person four hours away by jet)

Actually, I agree with this somewhat. What has helped me is to make something out of the journey. Travel through beautiful scenery, reading a good book on the plane, conversation with a traveling companion - all help somewhat. Out there, where the Bay Area is bigger than people realize, yeah, I can understand that.

4. I don't make the first move.

May I have the brain back? :-)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

That just means she has to be here longer than 8 hours (has to be worth the trip ;-)

Hey, CJ, wanna come out here some time between Christmas and New Years? I'm off work, Dan's probably off work (depending on whether or not he's working, of course), and we can go see the LotR exhibit, the Children's Museum (and go down the big slide, and see the water clock...)

I can make first moves, occasionally. That's how I got Dan :-)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

If I am working, I'm sure as long as it's between the holidays, I could probably ask for a few days off or something. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Sadly, my winter holidays are completely booked with the two sets of parents :-(. But hey, SOME time, I'm sure I could just bop out for (say) a weekend. Not near holidays necessarily, but y'know, just sometime. O'course you two could also come here sometime too! You are welcome at my place.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right. Bopping... uh...

...it... uh...

(I have to say it.) ...goes both ways.

;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*groan*! :)

[chiefted]

First *hugs*

I just responded to your original post (now you are up to 138 comments).

But what klwalton said, about just asking I know for
me that is a big thing. I am constantly telling myself "Ted just open
your mouth and ask, its not that tough".

But to me sometimes it is, even with people I love and trust.

My foible that I have to work on.

(any spelling errors please forgive I am multitasking here, typing this
entry, getting my students ready for today and trying to fix the VHF
Radio simulator all at the same time)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It *is* hard to ask sometimes, isn't it? *hug*!

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

Glad your mood has improved!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Mood is one of those mysterious things... sometimes I wish it would just go the heck AWAY, since it can be really annoying and I can't always control it. :-)