115 comments later (yikes!)

[cjsmith]

Holy moly! So after much conversation (thank you, everyone!), it's clear there are indeed a few things I'm doing to create this LJ-centric social life.

1. I don't like spending a long time getting somewhere.

This item is top of the list by far. If I'm invited to go somewhere that's an hour away from me, then I balance the two hours' round trip time against how well I know people there, how much fun I think the event is, how much work I have to do, whether I've seen much of Rob lately, whether Rob can or would want to go, my inherent laziness, whether I'm short on sleep, whether I think I can park near enough to baby my feet... and far far more often than not I wind up not going.

As I said in a comment to someone somewhere, being ten minutes away from a person means "Hey, I have a half hour free, want to drop by?" By contrast, being a half hour away means "I think I have some time late next week." An hour, sheesh: "How about after [my software release | NaNo is over | the holidays]?" This makes a big difference.

Now that I've identified this, I can make clearer decisions. I can invite people to my place, I can suggest events that are more centrally located where I can meet people, I can relax my driving "standards", I can accept the effect my driving "standards" have on my social life (likely), heck I can even think about moving (unlikely).

2. I get enough of my "social interaction" needs met through LJ that I become lazy about seeking in-person contact. Easy enough to tinker with, pay attention to, tweak over time.

3. I am more open online than in person. It's easier for me to talk about my hopes and fears here than face to face. Guess what: people who don't know me here on LJ don't feel they know me as well. Shocker. :-) This, too, is something that I can pay attention to over time, and shift if I like.

4. I don't make the first move. There's some fear in this. Will I live up to my friendly, likable online persona? Will the other person reject me? Will the other person want a lot more from me than I'm prepared to deliver? (Hey, I didn't say my fears were rational.) There's some laziness in this, too. I *am* busy -- it's quarter to nine as I type this paragraph and I'm at work -- and oftentimes, much as I'd love some low-key company, I just don't have the energy left in me to go do something about it.

In addition to some increased awareness there's one other thing this conversation has given me: I am immensely cheered up. Thank you, all of you, from the bottom of my heart. I was very grumpy this morning. I was angry with myself and with my feet, I was feeling hurt and alone and isolated and was a little angry at myself for that too, I was swamped with work... and now I'm fairly cheerful and only swamped with work. :-) LJ *does* do well for some kinds of social interaction. Having all these conversation-threads really gave me a boost. Thanks.

Comments

[davidlevine]

It really does help to know your problems are also the problems of others, doesn't it?

I always envy the people in situation comedies who can just drop in on each other. It was one of the few good things about living in the dorms in college. But here in the real world, getting together takes planning. And it sounds like it takes more planning and a bigger time investment in the Bay Area than it does here. (Still more to visit the Bay Area from here, but that's a separate issue.)

And on that making the first move thing... I've found that the more I do it, the easier it gets. Not only do I get practice, not only do I learn that when rejection does come it isn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be, but I find that the occasional success gives me far more motivation and willingness to try again. So do keep trying to reach out and grope touch someone.

Well, anyway. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Hugs!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

If nothing else, people with similar problems often have good insight!

I too wish I could just drop in on people or have people drop in on me, the way we did in college dorms. I often think college is an ideal place to forge friendships -- you have a lot of common concerns, you're the same age (and stage in life) as a lot of other people, you're jammed in together. Those of us who subsequently leave that well-forged social circle probably never fully recover.

Thanks! Hugsback!

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Meh. I made a couple of lasting friends in the dorms, but I think I seriously lucked out there. Most of the people I met in college I had nothing whatsofuckingever in common with. If I hadn't started hanging out with 30-year-olds outside of school I would currently be friendless.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh interesting! I had a lot in common with my dorm-mates -- at the least, an interest in and medium-fluency in French (we were in "French House") and a leaning towards geekery (were were at MIT). There's a lot we *didn't* have in common, too, but at the time, finding other geeky people seemed huge.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I might've had better luck at MIT. The geek population at Cal is apparently not that high. I knew at least as many geeks in high school, and was sorely disappointed that college wasn't an improvement.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. (Caltech would've been excellent for geekery too.) I think I was lucky -- MIT suited me well. I had *no idea* how well before I got there. I went because they were the only school to accept me. That's a bit of luck!

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I didn't go because I couldn't afford it. I'm not sorry, though; I met better folks out here anyway, plus New England weather would've kicked my ass.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I hear ya about the finances. If it weren't for ROTC I would have no degree at all. :-/