115 comments later (yikes!)

[cjsmith]

Holy moly! So after much conversation (thank you, everyone!), it's clear there are indeed a few things I'm doing to create this LJ-centric social life.

1. I don't like spending a long time getting somewhere.

This item is top of the list by far. If I'm invited to go somewhere that's an hour away from me, then I balance the two hours' round trip time against how well I know people there, how much fun I think the event is, how much work I have to do, whether I've seen much of Rob lately, whether Rob can or would want to go, my inherent laziness, whether I'm short on sleep, whether I think I can park near enough to baby my feet... and far far more often than not I wind up not going.

As I said in a comment to someone somewhere, being ten minutes away from a person means "Hey, I have a half hour free, want to drop by?" By contrast, being a half hour away means "I think I have some time late next week." An hour, sheesh: "How about after [my software release | NaNo is over | the holidays]?" This makes a big difference.

Now that I've identified this, I can make clearer decisions. I can invite people to my place, I can suggest events that are more centrally located where I can meet people, I can relax my driving "standards", I can accept the effect my driving "standards" have on my social life (likely), heck I can even think about moving (unlikely).

2. I get enough of my "social interaction" needs met through LJ that I become lazy about seeking in-person contact. Easy enough to tinker with, pay attention to, tweak over time.

3. I am more open online than in person. It's easier for me to talk about my hopes and fears here than face to face. Guess what: people who don't know me here on LJ don't feel they know me as well. Shocker. :-) This, too, is something that I can pay attention to over time, and shift if I like.

4. I don't make the first move. There's some fear in this. Will I live up to my friendly, likable online persona? Will the other person reject me? Will the other person want a lot more from me than I'm prepared to deliver? (Hey, I didn't say my fears were rational.) There's some laziness in this, too. I *am* busy -- it's quarter to nine as I type this paragraph and I'm at work -- and oftentimes, much as I'd love some low-key company, I just don't have the energy left in me to go do something about it.

In addition to some increased awareness there's one other thing this conversation has given me: I am immensely cheered up. Thank you, all of you, from the bottom of my heart. I was very grumpy this morning. I was angry with myself and with my feet, I was feeling hurt and alone and isolated and was a little angry at myself for that too, I was swamped with work... and now I'm fairly cheerful and only swamped with work. :-) LJ *does* do well for some kinds of social interaction. Having all these conversation-threads really gave me a boost. Thanks.

Comments

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Y'know, this makes me really nervous about eventually being in the SF area. Where do you two live, that so many things are ~1 hour away?

~30 minutes isn't too bad, although it's as much about time as the fact that I don't like to drive, on my end. Moving closer to Boston has helped me in this respect, even if my commute to work _is_ longer, now.

'Course, I also have the problem where larger group things are usually too much effort. This makes... meeting new people an interesting challange. Makes me wonder if the reason I was more social when I was first in the Boston area is because I _had_ to be in order to meet people!

Ok, I babble now. :)

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

I live in San Jose, CJ isn't too far away. The larger social events I'm aware of are in San Francisco or in "the East Bay". And it's probably more like 45 minutes up to the closest one--if there's no traffic. A little hyperbole when I whine, me? ;)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

45 minutes up to the closest one--if there's no traffic. A little hyperbole when I whine, me? ;)

I'd call that an hour, too - especially since traffic can vary wildly.

And, San Jose makes sense, as far as the distance goes. Isn't where I'm likely to be, however, since the school I'm interested in is in SF. So that ought to help with social stuff.

What's defined as 'the east bay'? Across the bay from SF?

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

What's defined as 'the east bay'? Across the bay from SF?

Yeah. If you check a map, it would include Berkeley and a little
North of that, down perhaps as far as Fremont, but when I say
the East Bay, in particular I'm thinking of events in Berkeley,
Hayward and San Leandro.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*nods* Cool, good to know.

Well, not cool for you, being far away from you. But information is good for me. :)

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

Definitely. :)

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

oh, I should add that a huge part of my whining on the subject is either my own fault or just a situational badness. For different reasons in each case, nearly all my dates tend to be located at the sweetie's residence, not my own. This is, particularly when I believe that that isn't understood or appreciated, a sore spot.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

For different reasons in each case, nearly all my dates tend to be located at the sweetie's residence, not my own.

Damn. Yeah, that would be a problem for me, too, esp since I dislike driving.

Unfortunate, this!

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

Yep, unfortunate, but what are you going to do? They're all worth it. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yep, unfortunate, but what are you going to do? They're all worth it. :)

Indeed. Rather figured on the latter, mind. ;)