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Illusions
Me: My feet hurt.
Somebody Else: It might go away. Any day now it could vanish just the way it came.
That still makes me angry, but y'know what? I can also see the flip side to it, a little bit.
Yes, it would still be mindbogglingly stupid for me to plan my life around the hope that my feet will suddenly heal. Therein lies a recipe for putting myself "on hold" until my grave, waiting until I win the (medical) lottery instead of living now.
Yes, it's still mindbogglingly insensitive of Somebody Else to pretend that this is a temporary problem and thus hugely, quantitatively and qualitatively, easier to deal with than what I am actually facing.
Yes, I still feel like I'm not heard.
Yes, I still feel like I'm being called a liar, and yes, I still hate being called a liar.
But y'know what? Somebody Else might really kinda need their illusions. Denial can be a gift. I can choose to give the gift of not trying to burst their bubble.
The day will come when I'm sufficiently less angry that I can give that gift.
Somebody Else: It might go away. Any day now it could vanish just the way it came.
That still makes me angry, but y'know what? I can also see the flip side to it, a little bit.
Yes, it would still be mindbogglingly stupid for me to plan my life around the hope that my feet will suddenly heal. Therein lies a recipe for putting myself "on hold" until my grave, waiting until I win the (medical) lottery instead of living now.
Yes, it's still mindbogglingly insensitive of Somebody Else to pretend that this is a temporary problem and thus hugely, quantitatively and qualitatively, easier to deal with than what I am actually facing.
Yes, I still feel like I'm not heard.
Yes, I still feel like I'm being called a liar, and yes, I still hate being called a liar.
But y'know what? Somebody Else might really kinda need their illusions. Denial can be a gift. I can choose to give the gift of not trying to burst their bubble.
The day will come when I'm sufficiently less angry that I can give that gift.
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Oy. Yeah, I understand being angry at that. My first reaction upon reading it was to wonder if this person was aware of your history of dealing with it or just learning of it.
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I'm a little bit less angry when I realize what might motivate it.
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I get that way when someone thinks that asthma is no big deal for me.
Um, yeah.
I'll be right behind you with the Bat 'O Clue.
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HAHAHAHA yeah right. Can you hear the bitter tone to that laugh? Hahahahaha.
Angry. Oh yes sirree. But less angry when I can see a tiny bit of what might be behind it.
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It seriously complicated their rehab, let me tell you!
But yes, you said it right. It's more a statement of their ability to handle things than it's a statement about their opinion of you.
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While I've only met one person who was truly that innocent, I think many of us get caught in this kind of situation occasionally. We don't know how to deal, so we deny.
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Anyway, thought the movie might be useful in at least vicariously living through that attitude or escaping the feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.
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IS there another route -- another way that you can satisfy your needs/desires for physical activity without incurring unbearable amounts of pain?
These guys in "Murderball" -- they can't play competitive sports the way they used to, so they play a modified version of a highly physical and competitive sport. It's really kind of inspiring, though the kind of sport they play and the attitude most of the players and coaches display are anathema to me.
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It is possible, though so far the neurologist seems to think it unlikely, that lots of use of my feet could cause my condition to get worse. I don't really have deterioration to worry about as a consequence of doing what I want.
So yeah, it does seem different to me. I wonder if I'm unconsciously parroting a cultural attitude toward physical pain -- that it "doesn't count" somehow and should be something we can work through. I suppose all the Mighty Manly Action Heroes (some of them female these days) in movies and such certainly tell us that.
Me, when I hurt, I turn into a jerk. Serious asshole territory here. At the very least I'd need to revamp my emotional landscape to the point that I didn't react that way, 'cause no way do I want that to be my life.
And then I start to feel like a bit of a wimp 'cause there are people with chronic unrelenting pain who cannot simply "quit doing whatever" to make the pain decrease. I have it so easy in a lot of ways.
Soapbox
Pain strips away who you are very effectively until life is a measure of just that and nothing else. If you manage to overcome some or all of its effects, have a job and/or a life, you've done bloody well. That is pushing through it.
And most worthy of respect and admiration. Not that you've expressed a desire for it. I'm just sayin'.
Re: Soapbox
Pain is such a weird thing. On the one hand, everything (except the sensing system) is in my case completely functional. The muscles work, the joints are mobile, everything is attached that needs to be, proprioception is correct, balance is unimpaired, etc etc. So I "can" technically do stuff. But on the other hand, you're absolutely correct that pain has an enormous effect. I remember reading an article claiming that some study showed chronic pain ages the brain by 10 to 20 years (measured by shrinkage, compared to normal aging) and causes brain chemistry changes as well (affecting decision-making). That's pretty darn profound.
The more I noodle on this, the more I realize that I've internalized a few too many action-hero messages.
Re: Soapbox
Yes, I'm lucky. I'm one of those whose pain cycles up and down, and can sometimes be managed to stay down during the last four or five years. Regrettably, that doesn't help me forget the first twenty-years. Can you say paranoid?
Pain envelopes everything. The world is fuzzy, and those who care about you have little chance of understanding your pain (or you theirs.) Comparing is pointless, yet each of us does it: how come she appears so strong when I'm such a wimp? How come he's recovered so much more quickly? How come she's recovered? The questions are all there, and but for potential insight into how we each view pain are fruitlessly examined.
It's a wholly personal thing and some deal differently than others. I've never understood someone who has a headache and does nothing (ice, water, heat, pills, whatever) to alleviate it. That level of pain - bad enough to notice, but not so much as to require doing something about - is simply something I don't get. In either sense.
Re: Soapbox
I've never understood someone who has a headache and does nothing (ice, water, heat, pills, whatever) to alleviate it.
Reading that, I'm laughing, for a related tangent. I got to talking last night with a woman I believe to be certifiably crazy. She "doesn't believe in" pain pills (although she does "believe in" a whole lot of unproven pseudoscientific bunk, so reality doesn't truly impinge here). Now she's had back trouble and sciatica -- and dear Lord she's in trouble. Her long-held principle is colliding with a reality that won't go away. Just a few sentences after the Doesn't Believe In statement, she said she's never before HAD pain. Well then! I was sooooooooo good. I didn't laugh in her face. How can someone in her late sixties or early seventies still be so damn NAIVE?