Illusions

[cjsmith]

Me: My feet hurt.
Somebody Else: It might go away. Any day now it could vanish just the way it came.

That still makes me angry, but y'know what? I can also see the flip side to it, a little bit.

Yes, it would still be mindbogglingly stupid for me to plan my life around the hope that my feet will suddenly heal. Therein lies a recipe for putting myself "on hold" until my grave, waiting until I win the (medical) lottery instead of living now.

Yes, it's still mindbogglingly insensitive of Somebody Else to pretend that this is a temporary problem and thus hugely, quantitatively and qualitatively, easier to deal with than what I am actually facing.

Yes, I still feel like I'm not heard.

Yes, I still feel like I'm being called a liar, and yes, I still hate being called a liar.

But y'know what? Somebody Else might really kinda need their illusions. Denial can be a gift. I can choose to give the gift of not trying to burst their bubble.

The day will come when I'm sufficiently less angry that I can give that gift.

Comments

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Hey, pain is a physical limitation! I get the feeling from your comment that you don't equte pain with, for example, missing a limb. It's not a lesser limitation, it's real and it does limit you in ways that are out of your control. I mean, do you want to live with the pain? If so, I guess you can "do what you want" until your body or spirit give out completely from the debilitation ever present pain. That wouldn't be an option for me -- I don't deal with pain well -- it would be on my mind 100% of the time and I would never choose that if there were another route.

IS there another route -- another way that you can satisfy your needs/desires for physical activity without incurring unbearable amounts of pain?

These guys in "Murderball" -- they can't play competitive sports the way they used to, so they play a modified version of a highly physical and competitive sport. It's really kind of inspiring, though the kind of sport they play and the attitude most of the players and coaches display are anathema to me.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess with pain I see myself as having a choice: pain OR don't use the feet. The guy in "Murderball" (and, I suspect, many if not most wheelchair users) don't have that choice because they simply CANNOT use the feet/legs/whatever.

It is possible, though so far the neurologist seems to think it unlikely, that lots of use of my feet could cause my condition to get worse. I don't really have deterioration to worry about as a consequence of doing what I want.

So yeah, it does seem different to me. I wonder if I'm unconsciously parroting a cultural attitude toward physical pain -- that it "doesn't count" somehow and should be something we can work through. I suppose all the Mighty Manly Action Heroes (some of them female these days) in movies and such certainly tell us that.

Me, when I hurt, I turn into a jerk. Serious asshole territory here. At the very least I'd need to revamp my emotional landscape to the point that I didn't react that way, 'cause no way do I want that to be my life.

And then I start to feel like a bit of a wimp 'cause there are people with chronic unrelenting pain who cannot simply "quit doing whatever" to make the pain decrease. I have it so easy in a lot of ways.