In-person friends

[cjsmith]

There's no one *physically* close to me who is also *emotionally* close to me. (Except for Rob, obviously.) My previous entry reminds me of this, because giving up square dancing is giving up the majority of my non-work social contact. But this is something I've been puzzling over for months now.

Some of my most caring friends are thousands of miles away. Just as an example, when I had surgery I was overwhelmed by the support I got -- cards, gifts, visits -- from people physically far away. Local people? Made LJ comments. :-) The Thursday night square dance group I call for once a month, to which I showed up still bandaged heavily and leaning on a walker? Had me sign a get well card for someone else! If I needed a demonstration of just how invisible I am in person, that group couldn't have planned it better.

Why is this? What is it that I'm doing?

Maybe I smell bad in person. Maybe my unwillingness to drive long distances during rush hour for social gatherings where I don't know people well is really holding me back. Maybe I don't reach out to others or plan far enough ahead. Maybe I'm just really freakin' shy (and I think there's some truth in that one). Maybe the set of people I am drawn to and the set of people who are drawn to me simply don't have a very big intersection!

I do have some people I would quickly name as friends, who are local to me, but it's interesting to note I don't see them very often -- once every couple of weeks is the *highest* frequency and that happens only when they're not very busy.

What am I doing that leads me to craft this strange unbalance in my social life?

Comments

[firecat]

I enjoy the dinners the OH and I have had with you.

I didn't know whether you'd welcome post surgery support or distraction from me/us - I know that when I am post surgery I do NOT want visitors who aren't "family" = people I'm very comfortable with, and I kinda figured you might be the same way.

And I just don't do cards and gifts. I guess it's a failing, but it's not one I'm likely to change any time soon.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I've enjoyed those, too.

Yes, there are quite a few reasons local people wouldn't have dropped by after my surgery. I didn't mean to suggest any sort of failing in others -- I hope it didn't come across that way!

[firecat]

You made it pretty clear you thought it was something about you.

I guess I think of it as something about the kind of life we northern california internet-connected techies lead. I've noticed it ever since I moved here in 88 - so many people are heavily scheduled with so many different activities, many of which involve long drives. I'm not immune. I think so much focus on activities leads to less focus on forming comfortable relationships, especially (for us poly folks) with people we aren't schtupping.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed, key points: internet-connected techies and (for us poly folks) with people we aren't schtupping.

An intriguing mind-candy for me: not everyone internet-connected around here is a techie -- in fact, most on my LJ friends list are *not*. THOSE are the folks who seem to get together in person a whole lot, while I do silly techie things like work late.