Maybe you folks have better ideas...

[cjsmith]

What do you do when someone dumps a steaming pile of judgment all over you, still warm from the source?

I haven't yet learned how to not care, and I'm often bad with a quick zinger of a comeback. So what I do is just kinda mope. Not optimal I suppose.

Comments

[butterfly-smile.livejournal.com]

When you figure it out, please let me know, I could use help with that.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

After a couple of hours I can usually finagle myself around to the "Who cares what that person thinks?" position. Why does it take so freakin' long? Sheesh. I hope that doesn't mean I need practice at it.

[ashiegrrrl.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I do the same thing.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Sucks, doesn't it? *sigh* After a while I can usually reach the "ok I don't care what that person thinks" mental state, but it takes way longer than I wish it did.

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

Me, I've been working on a sort of blanket "not gonna care about what some people think" attitude to help pre-protect against this sort of thing. Teaching myself that only the opinions of certain people really matter, and the rest if they don't like the way I'm living or whatever, that's a bummer but it's really not their business.

That said, it's not a perfect plan, and I do still get sulky-hurt. *hug*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that sounds like a very sane approach. Maybe I could train myself into it...

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

First off, why is someone else telling you what that person thinks?

Second, who is that other person to judge you? Do they matter in your daily life? Why do you care what their opinion about that matter is?

Third, is there someone you can ask for reassurance from about that issue?

This isn't about you, it's about the person who told you, and the person who said it to them. Really. It is.

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I don't know why I care -- I just do. I care about what *perfect strangers* think of me, even. It doesn't make sense, I know...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

ps: I adore that icon. :)

[firecat]

Miss Manners suggests "How dare you!" I can usually manage a cool gaze under an arched eyebrow.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's great! Training myself to get a pre-determined response ready quickly would be a win.

[sharya.livejournal.com]

Some days I handle it better than others, but questions I tend to shoot back with:

1) Did anyone ask for your opinion?
2) What makes you think it's appropriate for you to judge someone else?
3) If someone judged you, the way you just judged me, how do you think you would feel?
4) Is there a particular reason why you're imposing your morals, values, and judgments on everyone else, or are you just deliberately trying to be obnoxious?
5) If your opinion isn't asked for, don't offer it.

I just had something like that come up in my journal actually. I expressed anger over a situation and someone commented that I must be having my period. Some people just don't think.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

See, you're good at getting those responses out quickly, huh? I need to have a little cheat sheet I can look at. ;-) (Another response I wish I used more often than I do: "I'm sure you didn't mean that the way it sounds.")

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

If I hear from someone that someone else dissaproves of me I usually do retort with something funny.

Like:

Oh, he/she thinks I'm (blank)? Phew! Well, that's one less person I have to worry about wanted to sleep with me.

or:

He/she thinks I'm (blank)? Maybe he/she should work on fixing their own problems before they waste their energy on mine.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Well, that's one less person I have to worry about wanted to sleep with me.

I love it!! That's excellent!

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

I just reread that and realized it should have read "wanting," not wanted. I am my own grammar police.

[lrc.livejournal.com]

Depending on how much it bothers me. Sometimes I go for a reality check. I'd been using my LJ for that, but now have those posts hidden behind my navalgazing filter.

Every so often, there is a kernel of truth to the judgement, and getting feedback from others can be a good, if somewhat painful, way of learning ways in which I need to grow.

[sharya.livejournal.com]

I agree, sometimes the feedback is really good... but often the manner in which it's delivered leaves a lot to be desired! (Lately anyways)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sometimes (ok, often) I take a little time to think about my own answer to the question "am I really like that?". I'm not sure which times get under my skin more -- the ones when I have to say yes I am a bit like that, or the ones when I think it's really wide of the mark.

[elflet.livejournal.com]

Usually, I recognize it's projection (taking their stuff and pouring it on me). Or I'll put myself in their shoes emotionally and see if i can imagine where they're coming from. If I can, I'll try to talk to the part that of them that was hurt enough to fire like that.

And sometimes (though I don't say it), I may feel a little sorry for them. After all, if this is what they dump on the people around them, how hard must they be dumping on themselves? Dumping is a habit, after all!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Usually, I recognize it's projection

Ah, that's a big help. I am slow to see this when something stings.

Dumping is a habit, after all!

True indeed. :-/

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

Oh screw people. Who cares what they think! Do you think of yourself the same way? If you don't then screw what they think.

I know part of this is just me and how I am, but I just do not care what other people think of me. That irks people, and then I am amused by it. Just get to the point where you are amused by it. I grant you some superiority in the whole thing so you can laugh that some idiot cared enough to even mention it to you.

Bleh on them. They mean nothing. They are lint.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I care too much, and that's definitely a problem. Wish I didn't. Don't know how to stop.

I love the "They are lint" line! That's excellent! Mental chant: lint lint lint lint...

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

I will admit it isn't mine. I saw it in the movie Dave and I thought it was great. What an awesome way to say someone is nothing. Lint!

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I guess it depends on whether I think the judgement's true or false, and whether the person is important in my life.

So - if I'm walking down the street and someone yells "Hey fatso!" then it might sting a bit but I remind myself that it's more about their insecurities than my looks, and focus on the times and ways that I've looked hot and all the other wonderful things there are about me. I know I'm fat; it isn't news, and it isn't a moral failing. It'll hurt a little but I'll work on putting the insult behind me.

This also applies to people who I know are routinely judgemental sorts - if they just tend to judge other often, then I take their words with a large grain of salt and don't give 'em much mind.

If it's a boss or a friend whose opinion of me matters, then it'll bug me more, knowing that all's not right in my world. I'll likely feel down for a while, but will try to talk with them to process the issue (true or false). If it's a friend or co-worker, I may tell them that their manner of delivery bothered me. A boss, I might be more hesitant to address on that depending on how well they took feedback.

Lots of hugs...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I wish I were that rational about it all! I care too much what others think, whether those others are important to me or not. I often do eventually come around to a "Oh, who cares what that person thinks" frame of mind, if it's someone I'll never see again, but it can take hours or (if it's a bad one) days, and I wish it didn't take me anywhere near that long.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way. I tend to take things way too personally, and I'm not good with quick retorts.

The most helpful thing I know is to remember what an old friend of mine in West Virginia used to say when I'd complain about something like that happening: "Consider the source." If you think it with a slight roll of your eyes and shrug of your shoulders, it's quite useful.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Indeed, something like that (while not as satisfying to the ego as a quick retort) is very soothing in its own right, even applied after the fact. :-)

contemplating bullshit

[gev.livejournal.com]

still warm from the source

1) Do you agree with what they said about me?
2) what did you expect to gain by passing it on to me?
3) Ask me if I care ... BZZZT!  wrong.

moping isn't such a bad response.
beats the tar out of getting all mad at the tattler.

Re: contemplating bullshit

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, wish I were better at not caring. You're right though, moping's better than being seriously ticked off. It's at least more moderate! :-)

[lkeele.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I *hate* that. I wish I was the witty comeback sort of a person, but I'm the mope-and-grudge person. I *rarely* ever drop a grudge I'm holding against such a person. H.H. the Dalai Lama would *not* approve...

Hugs, my dear. Whatever they said, they're WRONG.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I could *seriously* improve my life and my happiness if I could somehow learn what the Dalai Lama has to teach. Maybe by the time I'm sixty? I hope??

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

Mutter "NPCs (http://www.livejournal.com/users/hitchhiker/207604.html)" under your breath. (I've seriously found myself doing that of late when people annoy me, especially when it looks like they're doing it on purpose or otherwise deriving satisfaction from the act.)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

doing it on purpose or otherwise deriving satisfaction from the act

Yeah, that's just awful. I suppose it makes it easier to not care what they think, though, because then I can just assert that I'm superior! :-)