Thank you

[cjsmith]

Thanks to everyone who offered comments, support, and ideas in response to my "Deadline" post. I appreciate not only the support but the connection, the knowledge that someone out there hears and understands where I'm at with this. Quite a few someones, even. It means a lot to me.

Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.

Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).

I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.

And enormous thanks to dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.

Comments

[ericainohio.livejournal.com]

I wanted to write something and let you know that even though I haven't had much computer time for typing lately, I AM reading your posts about this. I'm so proud of you and I admire you for the way you're handling this.

I know this is a difficult time for you, and I don't want to sound pollyanna-ish, but I was struck by something as I was reading your posts and all the comments. I was impressed and so happy for you that there were mentions of all the things you CAN do - you can keep right on square dance calling (and for the record, I've *never* seen a caller actually dance, at least around here - so I don't think I'd worry about credibility eroding!), you are a pilot, and you can start swimming.

You're doing great, CJ. I'm proud of you. And I will *always* think you're Superwoman. ((((((Hugs)))))))

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I wonder if she felt that parking in a blue spot left that next one open for someone else, whereas parking in the non-blue spot didn't leave a close one for most people. I dunno. The ethics of hang-tag use isn't something I've had to think about much so far!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Outdoor unheated pools (here in the Bay Area) are pretty chilly still. I dipped my toe in mine and am a little apprehensive. :)

Good luck to your mom. That sounds like a painful long recovery.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks!

Yeah, I've had touches of osteo for almost that long. I think I was maybe 31 when I was diagnosed. That is indeed a tough one, and aside from glucosamine/chondroitin I know of nothing much that will help. Gah. And you're very active -- I can certainly understand that you don't want to just sit down and become a couch potato! :-(

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you! *blush* I don't know quite what's admirable about this -- to me I'm doing the only thing I can -- but thank you. :-)

You're right that there are lots of things I still can do. My job right now is to focus on those, take joy from those, and keep up the exercises and stretches that just might improve the feet some day. I'm grinning at "never seen a caller actually dance" -- it can be rare! -- but at least out here all the Challenge callers also dance. Like you said, though, it'd be a long time before my credibility will be strongly affected by not dancing. By that time maybe I'll be back to it again, or in a wheelchair and thus exempt. Who knows what the future will bring?

Thank you so much. I still haven't the foggiest why you call me Superwoman but hey, right now I'll take it. Maybe if I put on a cape I could fly. ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

No need to apologize for not commenting. There's no requirement. :-) Plus I understand how what you've been through could put you in a tailspin! :-(

I insisted that I could do whatever I wanted anyway -- even though I knew I'd pay for it later

Oh yeah, that is me right there. Big time. I will have to change that attitude. The truth is that maybe I can do SOME of the things I want to anyway, and a few others with lots of breaks for icing, and occasionally I can decide it's worth it to "pay later" for an activity. But I can't do everything I want to. That's reality. I've got to accept that.

I shudder at the thought of going to the mall. Yowza. I'm going to have to do it soon, too; can't get new shoes by mail order. I don't know how you managed as long as you did with no other ways to get things.

Those canes are gorrrrgeous! Wow!

Thank you for your support. Even if you're not commenting, I know you're there, and I know you know what it's like, and that helps.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

No need to apologize for not commenting. There's no requirement.

Of course not ... except the requirements of friendship! You've been so supportive of me, and you have no idea how much that has meant to me. I don't have anyone local I can talk to about the crap that's going on in my life, because I don't want gossip going around -- sadly, my friends who are most eager to help are also most likely to let something slip out; the people I can trust to keep a secret don't necessarily want to sit and listen to me cry. So the support I've been getting on LJ has been invaluable to me, and you've been there for me with a helpful comment on every single painful post. That's why I felt so bad that I didn't catch your previous post, even though you have many more LJ friends than I do.

Plus I understand how what you've been through could put you in a tailspin! :-(

Thanks for understanding! I have to post the latest news -- I'll try to get to it later but it's a busy, busy day.

But I can't do everything I want to. That's reality. I've got to accept that.

It was much, much easier for me once I accepted that. I denied my limitations for years, but after I finally accepted them I actually felt less limited rather than more! Since I was widowed I've been saying that I can buy anything I want -- as long as I keep my wants modest. Of course that's just semantics, but it's a glass-half-full way of putting it rather than saying "I can't afford to spend much money." And I discovered that the idea worked equally well for activities. Once I lowered my expectations of what I could do, I realized I could do whatever I wanted -- as long as I kept my wants within reason!

Of course my adaptations for fibro and arthritis will be different from yours with your foot problems, but I've found that I can comfortably two to three things in one day as long as I have some downtime to rest in between. That doesn't mean I never push myself with more stuff or lest rest, but everyone gets busy enough to push beyond their limits sometimes, even when those limits are pretty high. But I try to keep it reasonable, and that's made a big difference in the way I feel. The cycle of overactivity followed by pain/exhaustion is very debilitating.

I shudder at the thought of going to the mall. Yowza. I'm going to have to do it soon, too;

Get that handicrap tag, girl! It makes it a lot easier. And get yourself a pretty cane. You'd be surprised at the difference it makes to have something to lean on when you walk! It helps even if both feet hurt -- you can switch sides periodically to give each side a break.

I don't know how you managed as long as you did with no other ways to get things.

We did have a discount store, but it was on the other side of town and was one of those lower-than-Kmart kind. I can't remember the name ... it went bankrupt and closed about 15 years ago, and was replaced by a Kmart. :-Þ So mostly the mall was it (until it went so upscale in the last 5 years or so -- now I don't shop there at all any more). But you know, you do what you have to do. From 1984 to 1992 was the worst time in my entire life, but I got through it. "In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." (Albert Camus) It's in you, too, CJ.

Even if you're not commenting, I know you're there

You know that you're more than welcome to e-mail me, I hope! (Use my LJ e-mail address.) If you do I'll give you my phone number and then you'll be welcome to call me any time, too. I know you have lots of good friends both online and locally (or both!) but I'd love to talk to you some time.

[ericainohio.livejournal.com]

No, there is a lot more you could do - most of it negative. You could give up, become bitter, sit on the couch and do nothing, complain endlessly, you get the picture. Nope, not CJ - you're still up and living life. And THAT is why I call you Superwoman. I'm firmly convinced there's nothing you can't do. Well, as long as it doesn't involve being on your feet?

So if you take up swimming, is that why you were discussing cutting off your hair? I missed most of that conversation, so I apologize if this was already discussed, but would it make you feel a little better about the hair if you could donate it to Locks of Love? I have no idea how long your hair is, but I think Locks of Love will take anything of substantial length.

Internalized messages

[rampling.livejournal.com]

Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do.

I sense from reading your posts that you've internalized at least some of these counterproductive messages as well. I'm just guessing here (I'm no therapist, duh!), but this is what I've interpreted from things you've written. What you might want to do about these internalized messages is quite another question. Something about holding them up to the light where they might not survive would be my guess, but I really don't know.

And of course many other people will still think or act on these negative messages too -- but you're probably used to being a member of groups that are associated with negative stereotypes. A big problem is -- like internalized homophobia -- if these negative stereotypes act in concert with your own internalized stereotypes and fears, these messages from others will hurt a lot more.

It just seems to me that a big part of dealing with your challenging circumstances may be the internal efforts to change the messages you've inherited somehow.

OK, this is sounding like advice, and I really don't mean to leave advice. I just want to put these ideas out there for you, as some possibilities, some thought fodder. Please, please ignore if it's off base.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I guess giving up and being bitter would be really really unpleasant (for me!!) so maybe that's why I'm trying so hard not to do it. :)

Locks of Love might take it, I don't know. It's down to my butt, which they'd like, but it's very fine and dry (it's got split MIDDLES). Maybe they'll still want it. I'd feel good about that.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

As long as friendship isn't a duty, then. :-) And I'm glad my comments have been supportive and useful for you. It must be truly difficult having no one local that's safe to vent to.

I've heard one saying that "you can have (or do) ANYthing you want, but you can't have EVERYthing you want." It's true of everybody. We all have limits. We have to pick and choose how to spend our limited time and energy and what goals are truly worth it for us. Looking at it that way, my life with foot pain really isn't all that different from anyone else's life. We run up against different hurdles, is all. I'm going to try to keep this in mind as time goes on and I get grumbly.

Likewise, you are more than welcome to e-mail me as well! *hug*!

Re: Internalized messages

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I sure have internalized some of those, yeah. I sense you've struggled with this as well? I'm just guessing from your immediate understanding. :-)

if these negative stereotypes act in concert with your own internalized stereotypes and fears, these messages from others will hurt a lot more.

No kidding. I have the "women are inferior" one etched on my bones, as it's how I was brought up and it took until I was in my mid-twenties before I met someone who thought differently -- so sexist comments sting a lot more than (say) jokes about bisexuals. I've never believed there was anything wrong with being bi.

Fighting the "tapes" will be an integral part of my new attitude, yeah.

I really don't mean to leave advice.

No worries -- I just parsed it as "conversation." :-) And thanks for grokking.

Re: Internalized messages

[rampling.livejournal.com]

I sense you've struggled with this as well? I'm just guessing from your immediate understanding. :-)

Glad I got it right. :) Actually I don't have the physical disability negative stereotypes. I think that's why they stood out so much for me in the things you've written.

But, yeah, the "women are inferior" messages -- oooh those can get me! I think that may be the messages that make me react most strongly. I have those "women are inferior" messages etched into my bones too, and have spent my whole life fighting against. Without getting that message off my bones; *sigh*.

Oh yeah, I meant to add *HUGS* to my last comment. Remembering you have some nonjudgemental and supportive friends can be positive medicine too.

P.S. Still figuring out the visit thing....

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

I want a suit with a skirt too. That is, if I ever buy a suit. I haven't owned one in 15 years or more.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

I hope your mother is working with a chiropractor?

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

She was working with a chiropractor. Sadly, the back pain started after a possible mis-adjustment at the chiropractor's office & she's been leery to return. (...and it's the same chiropractor that I've gone to & had good results with for years.)

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

I wonder if she felt that parking in a blue spot left that next one open for someone else, whereas parking in the non-blue spot didn't leave a close one for most people.

That is a possibility. I do not recall if I ever actually asked her about why she chose one space over the other. I imagine the number of other spaces available & how one is feeling on a particular day may also be factors.

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

I bought one a couple of years ago for a cruise and I decided if I am putting on a suit it better have a skirt!

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you have so many supportive people in your life. I must admit I didn't read the original post until yesterday, so I didn't bother to respond, since it had all already been said. But it sounds like you got some good advice. As long as you don't do things that are irreversible, I suspect living in the now (even such as it is) will be better for your mental health than living in this between place you find yourself. So even though I wish with all my heart I could snap my fingers and make you better, I am very proud of you for taking the steps you are. Just wanted you to know that. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sincerely, for saying that! I guess I never realized it would be this rough.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I think I can understand that. I've never been where you are, but I've been in situations where it was really hard to know which direction to go. One particular time (and feel free to ignore me if this is very different than what you're feeling) I was in a quasi-relationship that I was focusing a good deal of mental energy on even though I know it was likely not to work out for reasons that were completely out of my control. And yet every time I tried to tell myself I should just live my life the "smart" way and let stuff I couldn't control work itself out, I've have this little voice in my head telling me that if I gave up, I didn't deserve it or if I didn't commit myself entirely than I wasn't doing the relationship justice. It was tough. It's really hard sometimes to accept there are things you can't really control and just try to live your life.

You know (I hope) that I'm not suggesting you give up hope, by any means. But you deserve to take control of your life again. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That's it exactly -- there's no way for me to tell, right now, what I should do. Just like you were in your relationship, I'm putting in a bucketload of effort without knowing if it's doing any good or is even a reasonable approach.

Now to decide what to keep doing and what to suspend or give up on. I think I've already made one decision (drop one of the PTs). I'll want to drop a fwe other things as well.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I know it must be hard to figure out what to drop and what to keep doing. I certainly wouldn't want you to stop things that could possibly make your feet better. But if there are things you're holding off from doing that could enrich your life, than I think it would be great to explore those avenues. That's why it's been so cool to read about your experiences with the chair and swimming.

Although I feel sort of sad at the thought of you cutting your hair, despite the fact that I don't think I've ever seen it. :)