Thank you

[cjsmith]

Thanks to everyone who offered comments, support, and ideas in response to my "Deadline" post. I appreciate not only the support but the connection, the knowledge that someone out there hears and understands where I'm at with this. Quite a few someones, even. It means a lot to me.

Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.

Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).

I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.

And enormous thanks to dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

No need to apologize for not commenting. There's no requirement. :-) Plus I understand how what you've been through could put you in a tailspin! :-(

I insisted that I could do whatever I wanted anyway -- even though I knew I'd pay for it later

Oh yeah, that is me right there. Big time. I will have to change that attitude. The truth is that maybe I can do SOME of the things I want to anyway, and a few others with lots of breaks for icing, and occasionally I can decide it's worth it to "pay later" for an activity. But I can't do everything I want to. That's reality. I've got to accept that.

I shudder at the thought of going to the mall. Yowza. I'm going to have to do it soon, too; can't get new shoes by mail order. I don't know how you managed as long as you did with no other ways to get things.

Those canes are gorrrrgeous! Wow!

Thank you for your support. Even if you're not commenting, I know you're there, and I know you know what it's like, and that helps.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

No need to apologize for not commenting. There's no requirement.

Of course not ... except the requirements of friendship! You've been so supportive of me, and you have no idea how much that has meant to me. I don't have anyone local I can talk to about the crap that's going on in my life, because I don't want gossip going around -- sadly, my friends who are most eager to help are also most likely to let something slip out; the people I can trust to keep a secret don't necessarily want to sit and listen to me cry. So the support I've been getting on LJ has been invaluable to me, and you've been there for me with a helpful comment on every single painful post. That's why I felt so bad that I didn't catch your previous post, even though you have many more LJ friends than I do.

Plus I understand how what you've been through could put you in a tailspin! :-(

Thanks for understanding! I have to post the latest news -- I'll try to get to it later but it's a busy, busy day.

But I can't do everything I want to. That's reality. I've got to accept that.

It was much, much easier for me once I accepted that. I denied my limitations for years, but after I finally accepted them I actually felt less limited rather than more! Since I was widowed I've been saying that I can buy anything I want -- as long as I keep my wants modest. Of course that's just semantics, but it's a glass-half-full way of putting it rather than saying "I can't afford to spend much money." And I discovered that the idea worked equally well for activities. Once I lowered my expectations of what I could do, I realized I could do whatever I wanted -- as long as I kept my wants within reason!

Of course my adaptations for fibro and arthritis will be different from yours with your foot problems, but I've found that I can comfortably two to three things in one day as long as I have some downtime to rest in between. That doesn't mean I never push myself with more stuff or lest rest, but everyone gets busy enough to push beyond their limits sometimes, even when those limits are pretty high. But I try to keep it reasonable, and that's made a big difference in the way I feel. The cycle of overactivity followed by pain/exhaustion is very debilitating.

I shudder at the thought of going to the mall. Yowza. I'm going to have to do it soon, too;

Get that handicrap tag, girl! It makes it a lot easier. And get yourself a pretty cane. You'd be surprised at the difference it makes to have something to lean on when you walk! It helps even if both feet hurt -- you can switch sides periodically to give each side a break.

I don't know how you managed as long as you did with no other ways to get things.

We did have a discount store, but it was on the other side of town and was one of those lower-than-Kmart kind. I can't remember the name ... it went bankrupt and closed about 15 years ago, and was replaced by a Kmart. :-Þ So mostly the mall was it (until it went so upscale in the last 5 years or so -- now I don't shop there at all any more). But you know, you do what you have to do. From 1984 to 1992 was the worst time in my entire life, but I got through it. "In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." (Albert Camus) It's in you, too, CJ.

Even if you're not commenting, I know you're there

You know that you're more than welcome to e-mail me, I hope! (Use my LJ e-mail address.) If you do I'll give you my phone number and then you'll be welcome to call me any time, too. I know you have lots of good friends both online and locally (or both!) but I'd love to talk to you some time.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

As long as friendship isn't a duty, then. :-) And I'm glad my comments have been supportive and useful for you. It must be truly difficult having no one local that's safe to vent to.

I've heard one saying that "you can have (or do) ANYthing you want, but you can't have EVERYthing you want." It's true of everybody. We all have limits. We have to pick and choose how to spend our limited time and energy and what goals are truly worth it for us. Looking at it that way, my life with foot pain really isn't all that different from anyone else's life. We run up against different hurdles, is all. I'm going to try to keep this in mind as time goes on and I get grumbly.

Likewise, you are more than welcome to e-mail me as well! *hug*!