Forgiveness

[cjsmith]

I'd be happier if I learned to forgive old hurts.

Sometimes I find it easier to forgive if I can put myself in the other person's shoes and understand a little - what pressures that person was under, what might have been meant but not said, what might have been said but not meant.

Sometimes I can forgive if I just don't give two hoots about the other person at all. It's incredibly freeing to hold someone in (let's be honest here) such low esteem that I don't care what they think of me. Sadly, or perhaps gladly, this one's rare for me.

Sometimes I can forgive if it's been long enough that I'm not the same person I was. I care less what was done to that CJ, or I now see how I set myself up for it.

Often times, an apology (particularly an indication that hurt wasn't intentional) is all I need. Then it's over, done, gone.

Those are the easy cases. They're so easy it's almost cheating. Real forgiveness... no, I don't think I'm quite so good at that.

Comments

[samtosha.livejournal.com]

"It's incredibly freeing to hold someone in (let's be honest here) such low esteem that I don't care what they think of me. Sadly, or perhaps gladly, this one's rare for me."

I have been known to hold onto anger and hurt for much longer than I needed to, in most cases. Like you, I wish I had the sense to drop it sooner. I have decided recently, at least for myself, that the opposite of love and caring is not hate and not caring, it is apathy. The I could really give a flip less about you or the situation kind of apathy. It is incredibly freeing to have that attitude and feel that way; I know once I reach that point, the situation no longer has any power over me :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It is incredibly freeing to have that attitude and feel that way; I know once I reach that point, the situation no longer has any power over me :)

Agreed. I too have felt that freedom.

There's a geeky part of me that wants to optimize everything, and it looks at this uncaring and says "wow, THAT'S powerful, I want that ALL THE TIME. Then I'd never get hurt." I can even rationalize it by saying "Buddhist detachment". But I'm not sure where detachment ends and being completely emotionless begins. If I care about absolutely nothing, why continue this lifespan? No point. I struggle with this...

[jtidwell.livejournal.com]

But so many times, caring is worth it. In one relationship, I tried for a while not to care. Mostly, I succeeded, and for a while that was what I had to do; things had gotten so bad that I had to protect myself emotionally. Things got better. My patience with said person is still as as thin and brittle as spring ice -- I will not really trust them again, ever -- but I can still find some joy in the relationship.

To live as a whole person, I feel like I have to allow for that possibility of joy. And also the possibility of redemption, even of people I don't want to forgive. My religious faith is probably the basis for that; if I was an atheist, I honestly don't know if I could do it. (I mean, geez, what else was Jesus' story all about?)

It certainly does make it harder when said person is really bad at apologies, though. Sigh. Did you see the very-private post I put up the other day, then pulled down again? I ripped into someone, but they apologized, and I couldn't NOT forgive. Things are okay, for now...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

But so many times, caring is worth it. [...] To live as a whole person, I feel like I have to allow for that possibility of joy.

Exactly. I can't see being completely 100% "detached" (with my limited and probably flawed understanding of what the Buddhists mean by that).

And also the possibility of redemption, even of people I don't want to forgive.

Yes. That may be a separate piece for me -- first learn how to let go of the baggage I'm carrying around, and then learn how to recognize the inherent good in others despite their human flaws.

I didn't see the very-private post in question, but I think I know what you mean. An apology can be very powerful.